It's not supposed to be this way :-(
That's what I keep telling myself at least. I swear I didn't sign up for this, but somehow here I am. On the one hand I am tickled pink about having made this move and feel excited and anticipatory about what lies ahead. But, on the other hand, I am just tired and wish things were already different. Starting over again is no picnic! This is not where I planned to be at this point in my life, but when you're hard-headed I guess you have to take what you get.
This move was put in my head two years ago, and there was no real reason for me to stay in Detroit and start my business. When I left that retarded job, I had money in the bank, good credit and the spirit to show the world what I could. Now I feel like to some extend I "lost" and had to leave Detroit defeated in hopes that the battle will be more easily won here. The thing is, I don't want to fight. I have never found the fun in having to push push push to make it happen. I love doing everything I have done, but could really do without all the struggle that has accompanied it. I don't mind hard work, long hours, thinking planning, and figuring it out. But all the fighting, trying to explain, justify, or attempt to enlighten has drained me.
I went to church this morning (yes I said church) and the message was "Changing Our Thinking About Positive Thinking." I have to explain that this was a unity church and part of this whole "New Thought" Movement; it's less about worshiping Jesus and more about learning how to live more like him and realize our full potential on earth. Anyway, this is my attempt to apply that message to my life. Yes it's important to be positive and speak in the affirmative in order to manifest the reality you want, but at the same time you have to acknowledge and accept your current state of being.
If you're scared, own it. If you're tired, claim it. If you're sad, mad, irritated, broken-hearted, whatever, take a moment to be there and then work on moving past it. Simply saying, no I'm happy does not make it so. Now this isn't license to wallow in self pity or sit around moping, but it is about figuring out why you're feeling down and then getting some insight into how to get up!
I thought moving would change it all, but I see that there are a host of other things I have to confront. Yes my encounter at the crazy house and with my various partners taught me a lot about the ills of our community and challenges to progress, but I also allowed them to shake my confidence. I have affirmed and believed and positive-thought my way all the way to Chicago, but now that I am here, I am like "Shit, I am terrified and very unsure." I didn't want to admit it b/c there are people in my life who will say "See I told you Chicago isn't a magical place that will make everything better. You should have just kept your ass in Detroit, and got a job." They don't mean any harm, but they truly can't see to understand that while, it may not all be better here, a lot of it is. Yeah it sucks to have to go back to "faking it," but its certainly better than not wanting to do anything at all.
Yes I miss my friends, (but most of them have already escaped Detroit) and it was quite bittersweet to hand over the keys to my studio that I worked hard to open and tried even harder to grow. I will admit that down-sizing from my own spacious loft to one room of a friends apt is a bit jarring. I will even go as far as to say I am mad as hell each time I look at my bank account and compare it to the amount of work I have put in. BUT even with all that, I do not want to return to Detroit. The whole environment reeks of decay, stagnation, and ignorance.
This is me accepting my current state. A little sad, a little lonely, a lot scared, and very tired. I sat in a discussion with a group of women, and one man and the topic strayed to the desire for security. Most of the ladies expressed agreement that it would be nice to have someone to pay all the bills. To not have to work, or worry about is there enough money. I joked about not being hip to the "have a baby by a wealthy or soon to be wealth man" game when I was younger and had the opportunity to snag a few. The truth is that while I do look forward to the day of true wealth, when I am making lots of money without having to work so hard for it, I don't want to get it by being a baby mama, or a kept woman. What I really want is fulfillment. I want job I love, I want my business to thrive, I want a loving relationship. I want to be in a relationship that makes me feel safe enough to want to have children and be confident that I won't end up raising them alone. It may seem like a tall order, but I deserve it.
So at church there was a posting for a job opening for an event coordinator at the church. It's funny b/c its almost exactly what I was doing at the crazy house. Its a full-time position, and what better environment for me to work in? So while at this exact moment I feel a little sad and upset over my financial situation, I already feel a little better having gotten it off my chest, if only via the written word! The next step is to tighten up the resume and cover letter and apply for the job! It's full-time and I would love to have something steady coming in as I get my bearing together here.
I feel like I am all over the place, but my mind is so charged up, I just need to get it empty and since my roommate is holed-up in his room doing who knows what, this forum will have to do. Besides I'm still working on this whole, being able to share my feelings of doubt, fear, sadness, and loneliness with people in the real world thing.
This started off as "it's not supposed to be this way," but maybe things are exactly as they should be, and I just need to accept it.
