What's a Girl to Do?

When you try to lean on someone and they keep letting you down what are you supposed to do just fall over? I'm not going down like that, ever. You want to "save" me, you want to be "hero" then step to the plate and handle your business. I don't know any woman in her right mind that wants to do it all, but hell if I waited on other people to do things for me I would probably be homeless, hungry, knocked up with 2/3/5 kids and trifling. I'm not going to just do enough to keep my head above water and hope and pray that my knight in shining armor comes along to make it all fabulous. I am all for letting go and letting someone help me out, but only if you have shown me that you can be counted on.

Why the angry rant you ask, I just had a conversation where I am told I am too independent. That the reason I can't keep a man is b/c "I don't make him feel needed. Its important that a man feel like he is more than a companion, he needs to feel like he is "providing" for you," and yes that providing has to be financial.

I guess that's why I keep seeing really intelligent successful men with these random women who are either much younger than them, with little or no education, a bunch of kids and drama, or just plan stupid. Why is your head so jacked up that you have to date someone less affluent, less educated or in dire straights to feel good? Why can't you see that in the hierarchy of needs the basics like food & shelter or not the basis for deep meaningful relationship. Once you get your basic needs met, you look for more meaning, more purpose, and can have a real connection.

It's like life, if you are working hard everyday to just get the bills paid, you rarely have time to read, visit museums, have intellectual conversations, or pursue purely recreational activities. On the other hand, when money is out of the way as an option you can develop hobbies, travel and have new experiences, do charitable work, and take your life to another level. When a man and women can come to the table as equals you can have a different type of relationship. You can pick someone whose personality you enjoy rather then whether or not he can pay your bills. Why are men defining their worth by how much money they make and whether or not they can financially "take care" of someone, but at the same time complain about shallow gold-digging women? Why are you not dating successful independent women b/c they don't "need" your money, but then complain that women just want to be in your pocket? If that is all you have to offer then the only women who is going to value you is someone who needs your money. It just seems like it would be easier and more fulfilling to be in a relationship with someone who likes you b/c of your sense of humor, wit, charm, intelligence, and shared interests, but I guess I'm the crazy one.

Most women I know complain that their emotional and intellectual "needs" are not being met. They wish they had someone to talk to, hang out with, experience life with, or build a family with. They really need these things, but I guess many men just don't see the value in "providing" those kinds of things. Sheesh, I just don't know what to do.

it's done, we're open, and i'm tired

So I'm back home after the official grand opening of my studio. seeing as my fingers and hands are in pain due to extended use of the staple gun to reupholster two love seats i'll keep this short.

i am estatic albeit exhausted from the work, estatic nonetheless from the turn out. for the first time i actually am really pleased with the outcome of an event. by pleased i am referring to not only my execution, but also attendance, and response. i have done many many many events over the past 10 years and this is hands down the best. i feel like the universe was truly looking out for me, but in reality this was probably the first time i really listened to the universe and followed directions (mostly).

i was a bit worried, but at 6:53, my father (a retired electrician) got the light for the awning to turn on before the doors officially opened at 7p. i didn't see it happen b/c i on the other hand broke out early and went to my apt to transform from mopping, constructing, cleaning diva into superfly uber-sexy afro diva and returned at 7:30 to mix and mingle with guest.

and there were plenty to greet. by the time8:30 rolled around we had a full house. even though my music didn't make it until later, my wireless internet connection through my laptop provided us with groovy background music and life was good.

the place also looked great. all the painting, handing of curtains (while 10 feet up on a ladder I might add), assembly (i love ikea being in michigan, but putting that shit together is no joke), and power bargain shopping really paid off. just as an example we wanted peacock feathers, but they were not cheap, so we accepted that they would come in phase II, then omy sister headed to national wholesale liquidators for some last minute items and lo and behold there are peacock feathers with hot pink stems. wtf!!! like i said, the universe is loving me today.

i think we should hit our goal of 50 students in classes and will be able to pay rent, salaries, and grow the company. this is exciting and i hope at some point everyone gets to experience this great feeling i have!

for those of you here that made it to the event, thanks for the support. for those who couldn't b/c either you are out of town or had other committments thanks for the positive thoughts and well wishes.

i'll say this, when your instince tells you to go with something, do it. its been rough and although i almost had a melt down (until a fabulous friend called to comfort me) it was worth it. i really feel like we are on the road to fabulousness.

Dancing Machine!

I love to dance. I don't claim to be super talented at it, but I love to do it nonetheless. When I am out there I really feel the music and get caught up in the moment. Dancing is one of the few times, my mind is totally empty of all the responsibilities and thoughts that generally cloud my mind. I honestly cannot see myself with a man who will not dance with me. Mostly b/c he will not appreciate me going out to clubs all the time without him so that I can get my dance on. If I go too long without, I actually get depressed.

What really sucks is that as much as I like it, I can only really dance to good music. Back in the day before I realized how powerful words were, I could ignore lyrics and get really caught up in the beat and music. Now I can't even let go if the lyrics are crap b/c I don't want that negativity in my universe. So being here in Detroit, what can sometimes be an entertainment wasteland for someone with my tastes, I often feel starved for musical and dance satisfaction. This of course is why I am opening up my own lounge. Most people open clubs in order to make money. In fact, if they don't understand that they are in the business of selling drinks they will probably go out of business. My spot is selling a lifestyle. It is a secondary venture that I am doing purely for recreational reasons. I am totally committed to only have music and events that I can stomach. There will be no negativity in my space.

I just submitted my application to win a trip for two to LA for the final of Dancing With the Starts. One of my best friends Autwan (fellow dance lover) is my partner. Hopefully we are selected to be one of the top 16 couples to tryout on Tuesday, but either way I am glad we put our hat in the the competition. Too many times people don't even try, you never know what could happen. I could use a 3 day 2 night trip to LA right about now. A sistah needs a VACATION!!!!

KNOW YOUR ROLE, the discussion

Original Post know-your-role.html

Post 2 know-your-role-2.html

Original Post Comments
Hmm, I hear it, and I agree with it, but what I find hard to believe is that is really hard to find a "virtuous" woman. Instead I would say that most of these sistahs are single and sad because they cannot compete with the "others."

When you are nice to a most men (and perhaps what i am about to say is true b/c we have a whole lotta males and very few men running around), they lose interest. When I say nice I am alluding to all that you listed above. When you are supportive, encouraging, nurturing, and treat your man like a King, you do not get the same in return.

It is my humble opinion that as a community we have deep psychological issues. We have a problem with being treated well. Amongst my friend circle, our number one complaint is that in order to have a man treat us well, we have to be BITCH. I bet if you did a poll of the number of women who follow the above reccomendations you would find that they are taken for granted, and deeply unhappy in their relationships. Until our men start to appreciate a "virtuous" woman, what is the point in being one?

Being treated like a Queen has nothing to do with your man buying you expensive items, it has to do with him cherishing, supporting, respecting, and valuing you. Unfortunately since most do not seem to understand that your "virtuous" women stay single or in unhappy relationships while all the gold-digging, attitudinal, sapphires make out like bandits.

Until men stop being selfish and/or make a decision to deal with all the self-esteem issues that make them run to the harpies, the black family will never recover. While many black women have sought out therapy and/or done lots of personal development work to deal with our personal issues, most of our man have not and refuse to even acknowledge that their issues exist. They don't see that everything from the images in the music & media to our unique history of slavery in this country have cause many of them to view black women in a negative light. They don't understand that always seeing black men portrayed as criminals and deadbeats has screwed with their own self-image and colors their actions. If you ask most black men they still cannot appreciate black women with natural hair unless it happens to be wavy and/or straight. Men complain about the independent black women, and don't appreciate that if it wasn't for her we never would have survived slavery, Jim Crow and now George Bush. No its not all men, but it is a whole lot.

I agree that a woman should be "virtuous" but I'll be damned if she should throw it away on a loser. Stop taking up with these evil women who tend to trade sex or stuff and do the work to be in a real relationship with a woman who not only respects you, but also respects herself!


Part II Comments

I don't think any one definition of a "role" is accurate b/c we are all different. Each woman and each man have their own set of relationship needs. The key is being aware of them, and then being able to find someone who is giving what you need.


The things is, many of don't know what what we need or want, nor do we understand what we have to give in a relationship. Some women want to stay home and be a full-time care-giver. Some men want a dynamic woman who can stand next to him as they move forward as a power couple to take over the world. Some people are homebodies, while others want to run the street together having adventures and living on the edge. Its all good, but you have to find the right fit. Instead of trying to pre-define roles for one another lets find our own strenghts and weaknesses and then seek out our true complement.

The perfect couple to me would work like a well oiled machine. Filling in for each others deficiencies. Switching back and forth with the dominant/submissiveness and all. Holding each other down regardless. Truly having each other's back. The man protects and provides. The woman nutures and supports. Or vice versa.

Essentially it's give and take people. - Teej

I love what you wrote here b/c it acknowledges that nothing is permanent. It says we should go with the flow and do whatever works.

I commented on the original post and I stand by the assertion that until we as a community deal with our psychological issues are relationships will continue to be screwed up.

As for the bigger picture, this debate about the role of men and women has been raging for centuries. There is no one solution, you just have to be the person God created you to be and see what happens next.