Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Kwanzaa is a made up holiday

"Kwanzaa is a made up holiday"

I hear it a lot, and its funny to me because all holidays are made up. Really think about it, someone decided to celebrate Easter, Christmas, Hannahka and everything else.
So just b/c the Black or African American culture evolved hundreds of years after other religions, or cultural groups, we are not allowed to makeup our own traditions?

Hmm instead of trying to find fault with a group of displaced, opressed, and generally mis-treated working to create a sense of unity, shared-traditions and cultural pride, why not support it?

Sometimes, the worst ones are the faith-based people who just can't seem to understand that all holidays are not about God. Look at Valentine's. I don't see any ministers trying to disuade people from buying chocolates flowers and gifts. Is just that this is a specific holiday created for black people that makes it so bad to them?

In my cursory study of various cultures, religous groups and cohesive communities, there is always at least a few shared traditions that serve to bring the group together. As black people share a variety of religions from Christianity to Islam to Buddism, we can't rely on religion to unify us.

Yes we need to be unified b/c although we may not act as a single group, when the world looks at us, they see us as one. Most of the time they don't distinguish you as a black christian, black muslim, black atheist, or black jew (yes they exist) they see you as black. We are treated as a group, yet do not function as one.

Kwanzaa may not be the perfect holiday (whatever that means) but I challenge you to find a real problem with it. It simply promotes community values that if we truly worked to embody would propell Black people foward leading to emplowerment and mass success!

I don't celebrate Kwanzaa according to the strict 7-day, plan but you can do something simple like getting your family and friends together at least one night throughout the week to acknowledge the positive aspects of the celebration.

FYI: The Nguzu Saba (Seven Principles of Kwanzaa) are:
more info @ The Official Kwanzaa Web Site>>


























Kwanzaa Symbol - Umoja (unity)
Umoja (Unity)

To strive for and maintain unity in the family, community, nation and race.

Kwanzaa symbol- Kujichagulia (self-determination
Kujichagulia (Self-Determination)

To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves and speak for ourselves.

Kwanzaa Symbol - Ujima (collective work and responsibility)
Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility)

To build and maintain our community together and make our brother's and
sister's problems our problems and to solve them together.


Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics)

To build and maintain our own stores, shops and other businesses and to profit from them together.

Kwanzaa symbols - Nia (purpose)
Nia (Purpose)

To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our
community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Kwanzaa symbol - Kuumba (Creativity)
Kuumba (Creativity)

To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave
our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Kwanzaa symbol - Imani (faith)
Imani (Faith)

To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers,
our leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle




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Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas Just Ain't Christmas

It really hasn't been right for many years, but I think this the first time I gave in to the feeling. Or lack thereof.

  1. I miss my mom
  2. I miss Christmas with my entire family
  3. I miss playing Christmas carols on the piano & singing along (yeah we really did that)
  4. I miss wrapping presents in front of the fireplace
  5. I miss picking out the tree with my dad & decorating it with my sister & mom
  6. my extended family isn't close
  7. my close family is fractured
  8. my mom was the glue that held it together and its all fallen apart
  9. I work hard to distract me from my sadness
  10. I feel unloveable b/c I am too independent
  11. I can't be needy
  12. I am confused
  13. I love my friends but hate my social life
  14. When I slow down I start to feel lost
  15. All I want for Christmas is peace of mind
  16. Why are most men sooooo random?
  17. When I was single, you weren't interested, now I'm not and you want to push up?
  18. Again why are men SOOOOOO random?
  19. I understand why mom wouldn't let us watch Good Times
  20. It is funny though
  21. I don't want to go visiting tomorrow (technically later today it is almost 6am)
  22. I'll feel guilty if I don't
  23. I have no gifts to give (pa rum pum pum pum)
  24. No drum either
  25. They say it doesn't matter, but I'm not okay with my financial situation
  26. If I give up, I'll fee guilty, depressed, and like a punk
  27. Its hard to stay focused
  28. My guard to waaay up
  29. My perspective is distorted
  30. Maybe I should've have been a video girl when I had the chance
  31. I don't want to explain my lifestyle anymore
  32. It's hard to share your feelings
  33. Why do the weirdos love me?
  34. How can I fix it?
  35. It seems to overwhelming?
  36. Why is he being an ass?
  37. Why do men love bitches?
  38. Why is hard for me to be a bitch?
  39. According to most of the world I am, but not when it counts apparently
  40. He said Proposal 2 was good for us
  41. I have to believe he was playing Devil's advocate
  42. 2007 and beyond will be better
  43. I can do it all, but I really don't want to
  44. It's hard to find good people
  45. Why are most people soooo random?
  46. Our priorities are f*cked up
  47. What's the point of being enlightened if everyone around you is still in the dark
  48. I used to think I was crazy
  49. Now I know I'm just "special"
  50. I can't believe its been 12 years, when does it get better?

Friday, December 22, 2006

Settling Down

I don't even like the sound of it. I had a gentlemen send me a message about how he is ready to settle down now and doesn't do the club thing anymore. He's ready to find a wife and start a family. He also said he loves to dance. So I asked him, where he plans to do his dancing, if he isn't doing the club thing anymore (I must add that dancing is one of my FAVORITE past times)?

He wrote back

"Right. I don't do the club scenes meaning that I"m not a regular. IF I go out, it's every blue moon. Never every weekend or every other weekend. It's once every 3 or 4 months......

That's how I am. I'm not missing out on anything. I don't drink or smoke so what is there left to do but dance. I'm not going to close a club down. I did that in College...I have nothing to prove anymore. I turned it out in my day.....SMILE"

I hear what he's saying, but I guess I wish it wasn't either or. He's not alone, I know a lot of people who are saying (in their early 30s) "I'm past that phase in my life. Its time to settle down. I'm not trying to meet anyone, so why go out?"

I don't ever want to settle down. I don't ever settle in life and I don't plan to ever calm down. I agree that your lifestyle has to change a bit when you get older, but I can't image not going out and just being FREE! I have never ever gone out to "meet people" its always been to just have a good time, feel some different energy, and just let loose. I guess I look at my parents and see that even at 63, my dad is still going strong. No he's not out every night, but he knows how to have a good time. When my mom was alive, they would go hanging out with each other a couple other couples for some "grown folks fun." I guess this is what people nowadays call "date nights."

I always just assumed couples made time for one another, but as I got over I found that they let their children and jobs take precedent over one another. I saw my parents in love and that's what I want too. I don't want some man who has decided to settle, I want someone who is so taken with me that he can't see spending his life with anyone else.

I want someone to dance with me, go out and have a good time with me, and build an exciting fun prosperous future with me.

I DON'T EVER PLAN TO SETTLE DOWN!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

29, 30, .....

I'm entering the 4th quarter of my 30th year and of course 2006 is coming to a rapid end. Like most I tend to do my share of reflection assessment and introspection. I have a friend who just hit 29 and as I read his blog and observe his being I am reminded of me at 29. LOL i now it sounds a bit pretentious as that was just a year ago, but I distinctly remember how I felt March of 2005 knowing that in 1 year I would hit another big milestone.

It wasn't dreadful.;I wasn't hating seeing my 20's come to an end; it was inspirational. I had become increasingly dissatisfied with my job. I wasn't seeing things happen and it seemed like no matter how hard I pushed things just weren't moving. So by the time my birthday rolled around I knew somethings had to change.

I took a little trip to visit a friend (much like the one a I took a couple of weeks ago, well not really as there was no "extra" stuff going on) but as usual for me a change in scenery really helps me find focus. I knew that there would be major changes and that some of the people I was aligned with would have to go unless they made some changes. I felt like that by March 16, 2006 things had to be REALLY REALLY different.

Well I did it. By May of '05 I'd quit my job, split from my partners, and moved into a new place. Essentially, I turned my life upside down, but it felt GREAT! As the big 30 loomed ever closer I was moved to kick things into higher gear and take on any and every project that could move me forward. My July my newest and current project was revealed to me and I took it on with great fervor.

When my birthday hit, I threw myself a great celebration. FLIRTY 30 was fabulous and I was great having friends family and associates gathered to wish me well. Things were really really different. I was self-employed, and living my dream (or was it a nightmare? still trying to figure it out). Things weren't perfect, but as I had to remind myself and others who have asked when are they? They weren't perfect when I had a "job" they weren't perfect when I worked for myself. Or maybe that's the way its supposed to be.

This year has been tumultuous and full of excitement. I have impressed myself, but I still find myself driven to do more. There are things I have hesitated on and areas where fear has stopped me, but still I persevere and I vow that by 31, I will have conquered a few more demons (maybe I'll actually trying dating again).

I am staying focused and will push through the pain, revel in the joy, and be content with the in between. I just told a friend not to let anyone talk you out of anything you really want to do. The last thing you want to do is have regrets. As of today I can honestly say I have had adventure, romance, heartbreak, and euphoria, and despair, but this has been and will continue to be a life worth living!

Monday, December 11, 2006

Life's Not Fair, What R U Gonna Due?

I hate to say it, but life sucks sometimes, checkout Afroerotik's post

Hmm I really feel you and as a matter of fact just had a similar conversation with friends earlier today. I'll be honest with you, positivity, integrity, and good works do not payoff quickly. You would think they do, but the world we live in is screwed up. You have choices you can make to get a quick result. There are people to sleep with, morals to compromise, and ways you can sell out to get there faster. The secret to success is MARKETING. Tell them what they want to hear. If you don't know what that is, find someone who does. I have a history of putting together a superior product and ending up with squat when my competitor produces crap and sells out. MARKETING MARKETING MARKETING. Its not fair and no one said it would be. Life makes no promises to us that things will work out well so don't expect it. Instead, think about this whatever is meant to be will be. You can only continue to stay focused and have faith.

Regarding relationships, keep in mind that those people in "relationships" are not neccessarily happy. Most people settle in life. You have decided to go for the gusto and try to live BIG, most people aren't on that same path. So by becoming a well developed individual you have make your pool of suitors very small. The upside is that when u find him/her/ whoever you will be pleased, but the downside is that it is hard to find them. Its a numbers game. It sucks and I feel your pain, but what are you going to do about it?

It may sound mean, but you just have to suck it up and keep on going. Think about making some small compromises until you have the power to do things exactly the way you want.

Friday, December 08, 2006

My Saviors!


So I am forever indebted to the inventor of EAR BAGS or EAR POPS whatever you want to call them. Of all the things I hate about cold weather, its cold ears. People have laughed b/c I will rock ear muffs in a minute. Yes I am a grown ass woman who will wear earmuffs religiously...until I found EAR BAGS last winter. I had the honor of going to a SuperBowl XL Media Party at the Fox Theater last January and on the way out they gave us these little red bags. Lo and behold inside are these little things that fit on your ears. They are insulated, but they POP into place and stay there! You can wear them under hats, they don't mess up your hair. No irritated band to get in the way or anything. They fit in the smallest cutest purse! THEY ARE FABULOUS!!! Now if you're not like me and don't mind cold sore ears or are fortunate enough to live in a warm climate, you won't get how great these are, but for me they are my saviors. When my sister saw me rocking them earlier this week during our first real cold snap she was so impressed she went and found them online. At only $7.50 a pair I think I'm going to get a few just in case I lose one.

Get yours at www.earpops.com

Monday, December 04, 2006

5 Year Plan

In five years I will be 34 years old. I will be in a long-term committed relationship. I will have started my HBCU endowment foundation to improve facilities at Historically Black colleges. I will be managing my successful business empire consisting of Entertainment, Media, Events and Real Estate divisions. I will have the ability to travel the world and continue to generate wealth for myself while on extended vacation. I will be preparing to start a family and have a house or residence on three (3) different continents. I will be fluent in Spanish and working on my third language (no ebonics doesn't count). I will have at least two (2) dream vehicles that are cool to drive & look at, but that are also fuel efficent and environmentally friendly. One of my homes (also environmently friendly) will be isolated near a body of water for when I want to get away from it all and relax. - declared April 1, 2005

April 1 - 3, 2005 I took a 3-Day Real Estate Investment Seminar. This was approximately 1 month before I quit my job and decided to strike out on my own. The plan was to use the Real Estate to supplement my income while I built my Event Planning business. I got scared. FEAR is a muthaf*cker, and can really destroy your life if you let it stop you. Anyhoo, a year and a half later, I am ready to do this, so I pulled out my notes (I keep everything and take copious notes) to review and I found my "5 Year Plan" it was an exercise they had us do in the seminar to help us focus and figure out why we're doing this. My plan hasn't changed much, and I am on track! Its good to put it out here like this because I want to be held accountable to myself. So I officially give anyone who reads this the right to check me and call me out if I start losing focus.

If you don't have a 5-year plan I reccomend you you get one ASAP!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

2 fly 4 u

2 Fly  4 U

can't believe i ever wondered
thought my sh*t wasn't tight
thinking i had it wrong
when its so hella tight

u cant go looking for kings
in a pit full of fools
when u shine this bright
he'll always find you

when i was a young chick
i knew i was bad
never had a doubt
what i wanted i grabbed

messing around with clowns
will f*ck up your head
question your divinity
find yourself mislead

moved passed the fear
dried up the tears
cleared out the haters
keep my luved ones near

get ur shit and get out
if its left its destroyed
the bomb b*tch is back
and killing silly boys

thought i was unsure
for u anything id do
u thought wrong busta
im 2 fly 4 u

real grown and sexy
not playing ur game
handling business
can't just maintain

u wanna play small
can't understand what i do
f*ck that just getting by
im 2 fly 4 u

can't see out those green eyes huh
wish you could elevate
im 2 fly 4 u son
u need a b*tch a** mate

i need a hustla on my team
working side by side
taking shit over
who gets "ride or die"

im 2 fly 4 u boy
i need me a man
who can handle a diva
working his plan

silly little fool
thought u had me beat
im like the phoenix b*tch
i rise from the heat

don't be scared baby
i wont hurt u
this aint about revenge
im just 2 fly 4 u

yeah im a b*tch
2 those who dont know
not on my team
ur a** gotta go

come all gather round
to hear the good news
the queen has proclaimed
im 2 fly for u


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Friday, December 01, 2006

Because sometimes I forget

Hmm, this didn't happen to me, but damn if it hasn't jolted my crazy behind back into reality. A friend of mine just lost someone close to him and while my heart went out to him, her, and her family it wasn't until last night that it really hit me.

My mother died January 20, 1995. I was a sophmore in college when my bestfriend/roommate answered the call from my sister at home. Then much like now, it took me a moment to process things and deal with it. I'm pretty good in a crisis for this reason, but when it hits me, it hits hard. My mother had struggled for years with Multiple Sclerosis, and while her death wasn't unexpected, it didn't hurt any less. Although many people would find it hard to believe b/c I am told I come off as a real tough cookie, I am extremely sensitive. I have to work hard to protect my feelings b/c otherwise I spend my life being hurt, sad and distraught. With that said just hear about losing someone close brings up memories and emotions.

As for me, when I was driving home from my Dad's house last night I got into car accident. It wasn't bad, I'm fine (although the Jeep has looked better), but only by the grace of god. I have been feeling uninspired and eventhough my recent retreat helped put a little pep in my step, things were still a bit off. While I intellectually understood my friend's loss, I distanced myself emotionally b/c I didn't want to go into an "I miss my Mother, why did she have to die?" cycle of sadness. The thing is, its not about that. Its about life and the lessons I got from her before she died and those I continue to get now. So I'm thinking the universe decided to send me a little stronger message, and literally knock some sense into me :-).

So this morning after moving past my anger of getting into the accident I decided to look for the lesson. What I got is that you just never know what is going to happen so don't take anything for granted.
That accident really could have been a lot worse, so that little encounter just reminded me that we don't know how long we have so don't waste a lot of time on bullshit. You have the choice to make each day and your life something special or just let time pass you by.

That got me thinking about TJ's Bravebird so
I took a moment to read some of the posts from this young lady and found out she had a little girl. Then that just made me cry b/c it reminded me of all the lonliness I feel without my Mom being here and made me sad for her little one. Then as I read her sister's farewell post, my heart was encouraged b/c I know she (the little sister) won't let that little cutie want for anything, so she'll be alright. I didn't know this woman, but it seems like she was one of those people who attracted postivity and served to inspire others. My mom was like that and sometimes I think these special souls are destined to to burn bright and move on b/c they have other work to do.

Then back to me and my life. For the most part, I have been living big. Since my mom's death I have vowed to do it big and have no regrets. That sentiment is at odds with most of the world and while I started out with a bang in the past 6 years since being back in Detroit, I have felt my fire beginning to dim. On my recent trip, someone asked isn't it depressing here when I described the city and to be honest I have to say, yes. Now of course one has the choice of whether or not to let their environment dictate their state of mind, but why make it an issue? I have enough battles to fight without trying to negate the affects of a negative city. I have done many things and I have stories for days about adventures and cool things that I did, but I don't want to live in the past. My life isn't over! I came back here in 1999 with specific goals. I said I would stick it out through 2006 to make some things happen, and as we bring the year to a close I know its time to move on. It's been on my heart for a couple of years now, but I let fear and stubborness keep me here. So 2007 is all about making moves both in my life and in my living environment. This will be a year of endings and of course when one thing ends another begins!

I want to say thank you to Miss Rainbow for inspiring me without ever having met me, thank you to the universe for my wakeup call, and thank you to my mother from bringing me into this world and preparing me to take it on. I have blessings overflowing and I am truly grateful for my friends (old and new) and family who continually love and support me.


I know my purpose in life and I promise to stay focused on being a "Passionate, intelligent, woman who will positively affect the state of her community while living a full balanced life that she loves!"

--> K

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Relax Relate Release

Just got back from a little R&R. I needed some new energy and a different space to help clear my head. I've been on the grind for a while now (almost 10 years to be exact) and it got real hard to keep going. I know its not supposed to be easy, but I was to the the top. Scratch that I was over the top and starting to drown it was soo deep.

At the urging of my champions I treated myself to a little retreat and it was good. Did it all go how I wanted it to go? No, but it was as it should be b/c the universe doesn't make mistakes. Sometimes you have to take a step back to see what's really going on and figure out what's next.

This morning as I packed up to head home, I was of mixed emotions. There was a shitload of stuff waiting for me to do and none of the issues had resolved themselves. I still have to figure a lot of stuff out, but as my wonderfull host quoted,"There are two rules of life. 1)Don't sweat the small stuff and 2) It's all small stuff." When I really look at my current situation, I realize its not so bad. So where am I now? Literally, I'm at home in my pj's typing on my laptop :-), but overall, facing the reality of some tough decisions. The difference is that instead of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless I have some clear insights into what I need to make happen.

  1. I have to get some money flowing: I am not meant to be without cash. I don't need a lot of money, but this is foolishness right here. I am too talented and too fabulous to be this fiscally challenged. Plus this worry about finances and feeling deprived is effecting my ability to move forward. I am feeling resentful b/c I can't do what I want or even some of the most basic things. I have pushed this whole sacrifice thing a little too far.

  2. I need to push past my fear of commitment and do it: No this is not about a man. I've been putting off buying property for over a year b/c the thought of a 30 year mortgage scares me. I have opportunity staring me in the face, but my ass is scared to commit to anything. This has to do with relationships too, but that's a whole other post.

  3. Pull out ALL THE STOPS: I have a lot of resources available to me that I haven't tapped and if I am going to blow this up I have to empty my bag of tricks. What's the point of holding back? I don't want to have any excuses so I am going to put it all out there. Whatever happens, I'll live to see another day.

  4. BALANCE BALANCE BALANCE: I have to commit to being a balanced person. I tend to live in extremes and its not working for me anymore. I vow to be well-rounded and live a full life no matter what!
So its on and poppin'. I am going to go all out to be a complete person and blow on up like I need to.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Disillusioned Fan RE: Kramer's Tirade

Kramer's Racist Tirade caught on tape

*Shakes head slowly in disgust*  When I heard about this over dinner tonight I was shocked.  I truly enjoyed him as Kramer on Seinfeld and now the show will never be the same.   

I'm not surprised that racism exists, but it still makes me sad that people can be so ignorant.  I don't want to distrust white people, but it just makes you wonder how many people have thoughts like this just under the surface?  This isn't the first time this has happened and it won't be the last. 

I had it happen to me personally back in highschool and have never been the same sense.  Wake up people, the figh is not over yet.


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Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Independent Woman

I would challenge you to find anyone to question whether or not I am an independent woman. I have no desire to "live off" of anyone or be "needy," but it wasn't until very recently that I found out that many people have equated my feminist tendencies with anti-family and were surprised to find out my value system could be considered "traditional." As with almost everything I do, I have to add my own twist, but maybe my lack of vocalizing it has stood in my way.

I had to do a reality check in the past couple of years. People have always asked me about my views on marriage and children and the thought of both used to strike terror in my heart. I could really identify with those men who have a "fear of commitment" and think they will lose their freedom if they get married or "settle down." I could never understand many of my female friends desire to be a "wife."

To be honest marriage and motherhood just didn't seem like fun. When I would look around @ people's lives, they didn't seem happy, so I began to equate marriage and kids with misery. For women in particular it seemed oppressive, stressful, and pretty much a raw deal. All I could see were haggard & weary women trying to work, take care of home, and not having anytime for themselves. They were their sacrifices like a badge of honor. "Look at what I go through for the sake of my family." They seem to revel in their martyrdom. I have never gotten of on self-inflected agony so thanks but no thanks.

I have been called selfish b/c I am 30 almost 31 without any children. It saddens me when b/c no one asks if I am happily married, or in a long-term relationship. It seems like the new expectation is that at some point I'll just "get pregnant" and be a baby's mama and maybe if I am "lucky" find a man to marry me. I think its nuts. I have made it a point "NOT" to become a single parent. That road is to rough to travel voluntarily, and to me unless you make it a point not to engage in unsafe behavior you essentially are just asking for it. No I just plan to create the best possible circumstance for me to become a parent. This involves sufficient support be it financial (once I become a multi-millionare) or find the right person to build something with, and no I will not compromise.

Here's my little secret though. Yes I am an independent woman, but part of that is the ability to choose my life. All of it. I would looooove to have a family. However, I didn't want to be the traditional working mom, most of my friends grew up with. I want to be available to my children, and that means I have to call the shots. I work on my terms. It seems like many women just traded a controlling husband for a controlling boss. Instead of having to ask their husbands for money and working like a slave at home, they go out and slave for some company to get a little change in their pocket. Is one better than the other? Honestly, I think as a nation working mothers have hurt the fabric of families b/c the children have suffered. No its not the women's faults b/c no one should be forced to stay home and have no power over their lives. As my mother told me, you always need to have your "own." My solution was to become an entrepreneur. As the head of my company I set the policy; thumbs up to on-site childcare and flexible schedules.

What's crazy is when I found out that most people I know thought that b/c I was so focused on building my business, I wasn't interested in a family. They assume I don't know how to cook or want to be "domestic." Because I articulate that I want a maid, and chef that I wouldn't be a good wife. People honestly decided that I must not want children b/c I don't have any by now.
Hey if being a wife ALWAYS has to mean that you cook, clean and generally serve as the family slave they would be right. I want no parts of it. So I ran away from the concepts of marriage, wife, husband b/c I did not like the roles/responsibilities that came with them.

Now I'm not so militant about it. I know that as long and I am clear about who I am and how I will be in a relationship, I don't have to trip out on labels so much. The thing is, most people are still caught up in what they think a marriage, wife, or husband "should" be, but they aren't my concern. Now instead of vehemently declaring "I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED!" I just ask people what it means to them. It always starts a great conversation and sets the stage for change.

I will always be an independent woman, strike that, independent PERSON. Its important to keep things in balance. No one, man or woman should be a slave. You should always have the option to walk away from a situation that is unfavorable to you be it work or romance. When someone has complete control of your existence, you leave yourself open to possible exploitation. Always have an exit strategy. Usually if everyone knows its there, you never have to use it. If more employers felt that their staff could "peace out" at anytime, they would treat them better. Just like they emphasize good customer service b/c consumers have choices about what business to patronize, employers would have better employee policies b/c people could choose whether or not they want to work or not. Yeah this is radical thought, but just think how much better the world would be if we could choose our lives, not just live them.

If you treat me right, I'll be there for you. I'll go to the mat for you. I'll make all your dreams come true, but if you take me for granted and act a fool, you will look up and I'll be in the wind.

Believe it.


For the record

Monday, November 13, 2006

Romance is not dead.

I am happy to say I just heard about one of the most original and romantic proposals ever!  A young soror from my iniation chapter (Lamda Omega @ Duke University) got engaged this past weekend to her long-time boyfriend.  The story follows:



The Story:

Since I live in VA, Brandon and I take turns taking the bus back and

forth. My mom was in NYC for business so I was the one to make the

trip this weekend. As the bus was entering the city I got a text

message from an "anonymous" friend who said that my "boyfriend is

history" and cannot pick me up. However, there will be a black lincoln

towne car waiting for me when I arrive with a gift in the back seat.

It also said I was supposed to have the driver take me to the hotel my

mom was staying at to drop off my stuff. I found the towne car and in

the back seat was Brandon's "Will," which said that I could have all

that is his now and in the future if I agree to love him

unconditionally forever. When the car got to the hotel I went to my

mom's room to drop off my stuff and change quickly. She gave me

another gift and started crying. It was the St. Louis arch (Brandon is

from STL) but when viewed upside down its a "U." I was then taken to

one of his prophytes law firm where I received another gift. It was a

statue of the Virgin "Mary." The last stop was Central Park where

Brandon was waiting for me with a rose (the "Me"). He told the car to

wait and we walked into the park where he proposed by a huge fountain.

I can only say it brought tears to my eyes.  I often lament the lack of thought and consideration of men and here someone just goes and blows me away.  I wish them the best of luck and will use this incident to stay hopeful that someday I'll find someone who thinks enough of me to do something as sweet!


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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Deja Vu

I was planning on writing a long blog about how upset I am about the
fact that proposition 2 passed here in Michigan yesterday and how that
will affect minorities and women in the state, but it all felt
strangely familiar. Then it hit me, I already did this. . . 10 years ago in 1996 when I was a columnist for the Duke University Chronicle.
I hopped online, searched the archives, and BAM!! I found my articles.
After I stopped cheesing (smiling) as I remembered the good old days, I re-read them and was amazed at how on point they were. The first one titled "Swing Toward Conservatism Resurrects Racial History" and the other "Affirmative Action Policies Ensure Fairness in Hiring" still sum up how I feel. While my thoughts were pure conjecture at the time, in 2006 with both California and Texas as proof, I have no doubt that in a few years minorities in Michigan will be under-represented in higher education unless something drastic happens.

I am a proponent of personal responsibility, and I think that minorities, the black community in particular have to do more to level the playing field, but right things are by no means equal. I am not panicked by this proposition, but it does increase my sense of urgency to affect change. I am happy Governer Granholm won again, I am happy the House is now controlled by the Democrats, but none of that is going to fix what is wrong in Michigan (state w/ highest unemployment) Detroit (city with highest unemployment in state) and my community (too many issues to list).

So much to do, we all need to step up our game and make change happen.




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Monday, October 30, 2006

What's a Girl to Do?

When you try to lean on someone and they keep letting you down what are you supposed to do just fall over? I'm not going down like that, ever. You want to "save" me, you want to be "hero" then step to the plate and handle your business. I don't know any woman in her right mind that wants to do it all, but hell if I waited on other people to do things for me I would probably be homeless, hungry, knocked up with 2/3/5 kids and trifling. I'm not going to just do enough to keep my head above water and hope and pray that my knight in shining armor comes along to make it all fabulous. I am all for letting go and letting someone help me out, but only if you have shown me that you can be counted on.

Why the angry rant you ask, I just had a conversation where I am told I am too independent. That the reason I can't keep a man is b/c "I don't make him feel needed. Its important that a man feel like he is more than a companion, he needs to feel like he is "providing" for you," and yes that providing has to be financial.

I guess that's why I keep seeing really intelligent successful men with these random women who are either much younger than them, with little or no education, a bunch of kids and drama, or just plan stupid. Why is your head so jacked up that you have to date someone less affluent, less educated or in dire straights to feel good? Why can't you see that in the hierarchy of needs the basics like food & shelter or not the basis for deep meaningful relationship. Once you get your basic needs met, you look for more meaning, more purpose, and can have a real connection.


It's like life, if you are working hard everyday to just get the bills paid, you rarely have time to read, visit museums, have intellectual conversations, or pursue purely recreational activities. On the other hand, when money is out of the way as an option you can develop hobbies, travel and have new experiences, do charitable work, and take your life to another level. When a man and women can come to the table as equals you can have a different type of relationship. You can pick someone whose personality you enjoy rather then whether or not he can pay your bills. Why are men defining their worth by how much money they make and whether or not they can financially "take care" of someone, but at the same time complain about shallow gold-digging women? Why are you not dating successful independent women b/c they don't "need" your money, but then complain that women just want to be in your pocket? If that is all you have to offer then the only women who is going to value you is someone who needs your money. It just seems like it would be easier and more fulfilling to be in a relationship with someone who likes you b/c of your sense of humor, wit, charm, intelligence, and shared interests, but I guess I'm the crazy one.

Most women I know complain that their emotional and intellectual "needs" are not being met. They wish they had someone to talk to, hang out with, experience life with, or build a family with. They really need these things, but I guess many men just don't see the value in "providing" those kinds of things. Sheesh, I just don't know what to do.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

it's done, we're open, and i'm tired

So I'm back home after the official grand opening of my studio. seeing as my fingers and hands are in pain due to extended use of the staple gun to reupholster two love seats i'll keep this short.

i am estatic albeit exhausted from the work, estatic nonetheless from the turn out. for the first time i actually am really pleased with the outcome of an event. by pleased i am referring to not only my execution, but also attendance, and response. i have done many many many events over the past 10 years and this is hands down the best. i feel like the universe was truly looking out for me, but in reality this was probably the first time i really listened to the universe and followed directions (mostly).

i was a bit worried, but at 6:53, my father (a retired electrician) got the light for the awning to turn on before the doors officially opened at 7p. i didn't see it happen b/c i on the other hand broke out early and went to my apt to transform from mopping, constructing, cleaning diva into superfly uber-sexy afro diva and returned at 7:30 to mix and mingle with guest.

and there were plenty to greet. by the time8:30 rolled around we had a full house. even though my music didn't make it until later, my wireless internet connection through my laptop provided us with groovy background music and life was good.

the place also looked great. all the painting, handing of curtains (while 10 feet up on a ladder I might add), assembly (i love ikea being in michigan, but putting that shit together is no joke), and power bargain shopping really paid off. just as an example we wanted peacock feathers, but they were not cheap, so we accepted that they would come in phase II, then omy sister headed to national wholesale liquidators for some last minute items and lo and behold there are peacock feathers with hot pink stems. wtf!!! like i said, the universe is loving me today.

i think we should hit our goal of 50 students in classes and will be able to pay rent, salaries, and grow the company. this is exciting and i hope at some point everyone gets to experience this great feeling i have!

for those of you here that made it to the event, thanks for the support. for those who couldn't b/c either you are out of town or had other committments thanks for the positive thoughts and well wishes.

i'll say this, when your instince tells you to go with something, do it. its been rough and although i almost had a melt down (until a fabulous friend called to comfort me) it was worth it. i really feel like we are on the road to fabulousness.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Dancing Machine!

I love to dance. I don't claim to be super talented at it, but I love to do it nonetheless. When I am out there I really feel the music and get caught up in the moment. Dancing is one of the few times, my mind is totally empty of all the responsibilities and thoughts that generally cloud my mind. I honestly cannot see myself with a man who will not dance with me. Mostly b/c he will not appreciate me going out to clubs all the time without him so that I can get my dance on. If I go too long without, I actually get depressed.

What really sucks is that as much as I like it, I can only really dance to good music. Back in the day before I realized how powerful words were, I could ignore lyrics and get really caught up in the beat and music. Now I can't even let go if the lyrics are crap b/c I don't want that negativity in my universe. So being here in Detroit, what can sometimes be an entertainment wasteland for someone with my tastes, I often feel starved for musical and dance satisfaction. This of course is why I am opening up my own lounge. Most people open clubs in order to make money. In fact, if they don't understand that they are in the business of selling drinks they will probably go out of business. My spot is selling a lifestyle. It is a secondary venture that I am doing purely for recreational reasons. I am totally committed to only have music and events that I can stomach. There will be no negativity in my space.

I just submitted my application to win a trip for two to LA for the final of Dancing With the Starts. One of my best friends Autwan (fellow dance lover) is my partner. Hopefully we are selected to be one of the top 16 couples to tryout on Tuesday, but either way I am glad we put our hat in the the competition. Too many times people don't even try, you never know what could happen. I could use a 3 day 2 night trip to LA right about now. A sistah needs a VACATION!!!!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

KNOW YOUR ROLE, the discussion

Original Post know-your-role.html

Post 2 know-your-role-2.html

Original Post Comments
Hmm, I hear it, and I agree with it, but what I find hard to believe is that is really hard to find a "virtuous" woman. Instead I would say that most of these sistahs are single and sad because they cannot compete with the "others."

When you are nice to a most men (and perhaps what i am about to say is true b/c we have a whole lotta males and very few men running around), they lose interest. When I say nice I am alluding to all that you listed above. When you are supportive, encouraging, nurturing, and treat your man like a King, you do not get the same in return.

It is my humble opinion that as a community we have deep psychological issues. We have a problem with being treated well. Amongst my friend circle, our number one complaint is that in order to have a man treat us well, we have to be BITCH. I bet if you did a poll of the number of women who follow the above reccomendations you would find that they are taken for granted, and deeply unhappy in their relationships. Until our men start to appreciate a "virtuous" woman, what is the point in being one?

Being treated like a Queen has nothing to do with your man buying you expensive items, it has to do with him cherishing, supporting, respecting, and valuing you. Unfortunately since most do not seem to understand that your "virtuous" women stay single or in unhappy relationships while all the gold-digging, attitudinal, sapphires make out like bandits.

Until men stop being selfish and/or make a decision to deal with all the self-esteem issues that make them run to the harpies, the black family will never recover. While many black women have sought out therapy and/or done lots of personal development work to deal with our personal issues, most of our man have not and refuse to even acknowledge that their issues exist. They don't see that everything from the images in the music & media to our unique history of slavery in this country have cause many of them to view black women in a negative light. They don't understand that always seeing black men portrayed as criminals and deadbeats has screwed with their own self-image and colors their actions. If you ask most black men they still cannot appreciate black women with natural hair unless it happens to be wavy and/or straight. Men complain about the independent black women, and don't appreciate that if it wasn't for her we never would have survived slavery, Jim Crow and now George Bush. No its not all men, but it is a whole lot.

I agree that a woman should be "virtuous" but I'll be damned if she should throw it away on a loser. Stop taking up with these evil women who tend to trade sex or stuff and do the work to be in a real relationship with a woman who not only respects you, but also respects herself!


Part II Comments

I don't think any one definition of a "role" is accurate b/c we are all different. Each woman and each man have their own set of relationship needs. The key is being aware of them, and then being able to find someone who is giving what you need.


The things is, many of don't know what what we need or want, nor do we understand what we have to give in a relationship. Some women want to stay home and be a full-time care-giver. Some men want a dynamic woman who can stand next to him as they move forward as a power couple to take over the world. Some people are homebodies, while others want to run the street together having adventures and living on the edge. Its all good, but you have to find the right fit. Instead of trying to pre-define roles for one another lets find our own strenghts and weaknesses and then seek out our true complement.

The perfect couple to me would work like a well oiled machine. Filling in for each others deficiencies. Switching back and forth with the dominant/submissiveness and all. Holding each other down regardless. Truly having each other's back. The man protects and provides. The woman nutures and supports. Or vice versa.

Essentially it's give and take people. - Teej


I love what you wrote here b/c it acknowledges that nothing is permanent. It says we should go with the flow and do whatever works.

I commented on the original post and I stand by the assertion that until we as a community deal with our psychological issues are relationships will continue to be screwed up.

As for the bigger picture, this debate about the role of men and women has been raging for centuries. There is no one solution, you just have to be the person God created you to be and see what happens next.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

AfroerotiK

AfroerotiK

I am in love with Afroerotik. At last a site that feeds my need for erotica that I can identify with. I highly reccomend you check it out, but be prepared for arousal, intrigue, and stimulation.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Break Up is the TRUTH!!!

I almost didn't go see it. I thought why do I want to see a stupid movie about two people fighting over who gets the condo after a break-up? Especially seeing as I am not in the best place around relationships right now, but last night I couldn't bear to spend another Saturday Night in, I didn't feel like a "party" or club, so I went to the dollar movie for a little escapism.

It was cool, it started off how I expected, showing the buildup to the end of the relationship, but then it got interesting. Warning do not read more if you plan to see the movie, I am about to spoil it. This argument is where he utters the line in the trailer "Who wants to do dishes?" During the argument she also goes on at length about all the things she does for the relationship. She cooks, cleans, accompanies him to sporting events,etc.. then she ask the Vaugh character "What do you do for this relationship" and he responds, "I go to work each day to try and make enough money so that one day you don't have to work." Her exasperated response is "But I want to work!" Aniston's character is an artist who works in an Art Gallery. One can surmise that she likes her job, thus doesn't see it as a burden she needs lifted from her shoulders. After the big fight Aniston's character admits (to a friend) she really didn't want to end it, she just wants to feel cared for, appreciated, and receive a simple "THANK YOU" from time to time.

Hold on.... did you get it? Okay let me explain in case someone didn't read between the lines.

  1. In 2006 IT IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY!!! Really if you are involved with a modern woman who has her own money and a career she really loves, she is not looking for you to save her from it. Your money is not the key to a good relationship. What she wants is to feel like you appreciate and adore her.

  2. You have to STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE. If you want to build a real relationship, you have to be willing to do somethings you may not want to do for the sake of the other person. That means try something new (take a dance class, go to a show, try a new type of food, etc) b/c it makes them happy. Whether or not you really enjoy it, you should find pleasure in the fact that they like and want to share it with you.

  3. NOTICE THE LITTLE THINGS. Look around and try to see the small things that are done for you that make life a little better.
It really shouldn't be this hard to relate, but I swear sometimes I think it must be brain surgery.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

The Wiz

Why is it so hard to connect? I've been told lately that I let people know too much about what I think. I put it out there too much. I guess trying to be open and honest is a bad thing. I don' t like games really. I'm not just saying that to sound deep and mature, I really mean it. If something is on your mind let it out, I do. I guess that's why they say I am mean. Sometimes the truth hurts, but I am not going to lie to you. So I have been working on diplomacy, tact, killing them softly etc, but it just takes sooooo much energy. I wonder if I really could really take what I dish out if someone were to actually be totally honest with me. If everyone is lying to protect each other's feelings, how can we ever know if anything is true?

I've read the 48 Laws of Power, and I actually believe what is says, but I don't like it. Nonetheless, it seems I have to choose. Play the game or get off the field. That is in every eara of life. I just want to know when you get to be real? When does the power struggle end? Why can't it be at home? But there you have the "battle of the sexes" I don't want to battle. This does not have to be a test to see who wins. I just want to "be."

I am in the process of accepting the dynamics of business, commerce, and management. As I gear up again to "sell my dream" I am still nursing old wounds from the last go round. This time out, as I bring the key players to the team I will not forget that I am the captian. I cannot break form and let them see that I am trying to figure it out just like they are. It is when I make myself human that the magic leaves and eventually things fall apart.

Even so, while I know this to be true, I still have this overwhelming urge to be completely honest and tell them that I am no different than they. I don't need to be exhaulted as the guru or HBIC,. I really would like a team of equals, but I guess if they were my equals, they wouldn't need me to motivate and inspire them. So my commitment to myself, my investors, and everyone else to play the game like a champ. I will play the role of "The Shit."

I will be that bad ass chick who is running things and making it happen. Even though I feel like "The Wiz" and that it is wrong to mislead people into believing you can make things happen when you know you are not able. Then again maybe I am looking at things all wrong. Perhaps my ability to dream big, and sell it is all part of the grand design. Technically b/c of the Wiz's command, Dorothy and crew acheived big things, and grew personally by leaps and bounds. Maybe the Wiz was not such a bad guy afterall. If he never put them up to the challenge, the wicked witch would never have been destroyed and the slaves freed to see a "Brand New Day." It is truly a matter of perspective. I still feel like it is all BULLSHIT, but I am 95% ready to accept that it is just how things are.

I am still looking for a safe space to fall when I have my personal doubts. There are no Super-humans. Everyone has fears and doubts. Where do the leaders go to get filled up? I guess that is where my lack of a mother steps in. That unconditional love, support, and belief that you mom tends to have for/in you. I keep looking and looking and trying to get someone to be that but when I am going to accept she cannot be replaced, especially by a man? I find it weird though b/c I have had so many men tell me that I am difficult b/c I am too indepdendent. I won't let them "help" me, but I am always asking for help, just not what they want to give. Perhaps men simply are not capable of being emotionally supportive. If that is the case, I am screwed.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Ills of Vaseline

 HOW TO MOISTURIZE DRY SKIN (The Budget Fashionista)


Yeah I know Vaseline has been in the family for generations. My momma, her momma, and even her momma's momma probably used it. . . but that doesn't mean its good for you. People smoked for years b/f everyone started dying from cancer and we all used to eat Soul Food like crazy, but now we know better. Vaseline and Mineral Oil products like Baby Oil are petroleum based, just like the gas you put in your car. Not a good look for your skin. If you can avoid the vaseline do it, but if not, once you can afford to step it up, make it happen.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Black Men Black Women & Our Issues

I might get into some trouble and some may tell me this is a universal problem not restricted to black men, but this is my blog so i don't care. On the flip side I acknowledge that black woman have issues too, but that is not what this is about. In fact I truly understand the collective psychosis of black people and what we are going to have to do if we plan to survive as a community, but this is a vent about men and how these issues are affecting us (well adjusted black women).

Locally and across the country I have friends, female friends who I talk with and we have the exact same complaint. Therefore I believe this isymptomatic of a bigger problem not something restriced to my geographical area. This is not the first time I have thought about it, but I hate giving it my time, thoughts, and energy b/c its one of those things I don't feel I can control. Nonetheless, we are hurting and after yet another conversation spent trying to console a friend and remind her that she is fabulous and deserving of the kind of love she wants, I just have to get it out.

In a nutshell, my people are depressed and suffer from low self-esteem. No, not every single black person, but as a whole, we are in need of therapy. Therapy does not have to come from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other professional, but we do need something. However, the first step is to recognize that we have issues. Ask the average black person are they depressed and they will say no. WRONG. Of all the groups in this country we may need it the most with native americans close behind or maybe even surpassing us (but that's another story).

First a little background. I am a fan of personal development. Before I ever set foot in a therapist's office I had read many books in an effort to reprogram myself and get on the path to success. One of my first books was Think and Grow Rich. The one I initially read was geared towards black people, but more recently I read/listened to the original. Something that was missing from the black version was the section on personal relationships. Mr. Hill goes on about how important it is to have a "wife." Now the book was written in the 1920s when women were restriced to the background, if you look at the overall theory in essence he is talking about emotional support and intimacy, and how they are crucial to success.

As humans we will always need support and intimacy. When I look at my community I see a distinct lack of both. Instead I see us all trying to do it on our own. We say we don't want to get involved with anyone until we "have our shit together" when in reality you need that complimentary energy to get it together. So while we are avoiding emotional rich relationships, we are getting our groove on, addressing the physical side of intimacy. The thing is, it is not healthy so separate the two. It's like being hungry and only eating potato chips. You can get full, but in the long run you will unhealthy and sick because your body not only needs to be full physically, it also needs to eat foods with vitamins and nutrients so it can operate efficiently.

Yes, there is plenty of sex being had, but sex is not intimacy. Sex is stress relief, it is pleasure, it is a lot of things, but you can have sex all day long but never connect with the person. On the other hand, you can can have intimacy with someone and never have sex. It used to be that women were the caretakers of intimacy. We were taught to hold out on sex until you had formed a relationship, the byproduct of that was intimacy. When you are forced to talk, date, spend time together and develop a relationship, intimacy comes as a result. However as we move on in this quick-fix microwave society, we have all started to cut to the chase, thinking that the ultimate goal was simply sex, and that the rest of it was just filler. Then we wonder why everything is so screwed up.

I realize that I have yet to get to black men and women but its coming in I promise. I just needed to set the stage for what I see as the issue.

So let's add to this quick fix american society a group of people emotional and physiologically scarred by their past. From our origins in this country (abducted, forced into servitude, treated like property, dehumanized, physically and emotionally abused, and systematically conditioned to feel self-hatred, fearful, and inferior) to our current portrayal in media, black people have got it bad. For more insight please reference, the Willie Lynch Essay (while the historical merit is debatable it still has impact), and read Carter G. Woodson's The MIs-Education of the Negro). We have stopped connecting with one another.

Black people were unique because before, we were forced to more equals than most cultures. Among other ethnic groups, women stayed home and played housewife while the man went out and worked. Due to our history in this country, the relationships among Black men and women were different. Black women have always had to go out and help make ends meet b/c society wouldn't give a brotha a chance. Still we managed to create relationships and working families. No we never had the typical nuclear household, but we had community. My father did not have his biological father in the home, but he had a strong community men and women around him who gave him positive direction and helped make him into a man. So what happened to these non-traditional familes who looked out for the youth even if they were not "their own?"

Historically it can be traced it back to the break-down of the civil rights movement. That included the murder of key leaders, the exile and imprisonment of others, and the introduction off drugs into the heart of the community. Prior to then, while black people had always been portrayed as lazy, no good, dangerous, and aggressive, we continued to rise above it all. From emancipation through civil rights, we continued to strive. However, since the late 60's we have been falling apart. Its like they finally found a way to create the ethnic group they always wanted us to be. My parents would talk about how things changed and I see that a big piece of it started with Heroin. We were particularily suseptible to addiction because of our collective depression. Drugs and alcohol are quick escapes from the pain of everyday life and lighter drugs like alcohol, tobacco, and even marijuana tend not to incapacitate, but heroin, crack, and other stuff you find on the street and designed to just screw up your whole mindset.

Starting in the late 60's in unison with the systematic dismantaling of the Civil Rights and Black Power movement, these drugs becase easily available in our community. We began to be afraid of one another b/c of how the drugs made us act. People became violent. They would rob from their neighbors so they could get a quick hit. We began to lock the doors, and make statement like "They are not my responsibility." So we had a generation of kids born into it (70's babies) and now we are all grown up. This generation of no community, in a screwed up society now trying to be adults. It's scary.

I look at many my peers and I feel alien I now realize I am unique. I grew up in a loving household with parents who married and decided after three years that they were ready to start a family then my sister and I were born into love. I don't understand the thought that kids "just happen," to me they are planned. Children are a blessing that you chose in introduce into your union, not a reason for a union to happen. There should be no resentment or feeling of loss around being pregnant b/c you decide to do it when you are ready.
But hey I am told that I am unrealistic, that it just doesn't happen that way. I understand why they say that b/c that is what they have all experienced, but I don't identify.

I also grew up in a community, a black community, in Detroit that was safe. We left our front doors open and we looked out for one another. Mrs. Smith from across the street was a teacher, so she had the summers off and looked out for us when our parents were at work. I knew that if I got into anything, she would let Moms know and that I would get "the business" so I kept my butt in check. I actually identified with the Cosby Show. Don't get it twisted, we weren't rich. There were real lean times, I'm talking powdered milk, government cheese, no electricity times, but we had a strong family and community of support. I come from a tradition of working together to build a life, so I don't understand the sentiment of putting of love and relationships until "you have yourself together." My parents met young, got together and built a life for us. My Mom supported my Dad while he found his life's work and we stayed focused as he went through his apprenticeship and evenutally became a skilled tradesman. Times were tough, but it didn't matter b/c we were a family. No it wasn't all wonderful, there were fights, a short separation, and all kinds of trials and tribulations, but I will say that as my mother was diagnosed with and slowly died from MS, my fathers was always there right by her side. Even 11 years later he can barely talk about her without tearing up b/c he loved her that much. I just want a man to love me like that. I would love to be that ride or die chick for someone as we build our life together, but they just don't get that you have to give a lot to get that kind of love and support from me.

So some people say, its easy for me to be like this b/c I grew up in a regular family, but its not so. We all have our trials and tribulations, but who you ultimately become is based on what you do with your life. I have friends (mostly women) who have come from the straight ghetto and are just like me. For them their personal develope may have been around father issues if he wasn't present in the home, or breaking the cycle of addiction and abuse, who knows. The thing is they recognized that they had issues and took the time to work them out. Some sought out professional help, while others did it on their own. The point is they did it. Why can't we find more Black men who will do it or have done it?


Even with all the benefits I came into this world with, I still had to deal with the fact that I was born black into a racist society. I had to deal with an oppressive religion designed to control me and keep me from expressing my true self. I had to deal with being a woman in a male-dominated society that does not value me and support me embracing my nature. I had to deal with losing my mother emotionally at age 14 and physically at age 19. Hell its taken me 30 years of life, two of which were spent in therapy, and countless hours of meditation, reading, and discussion to get to a point where I can see somewhat clearly. Let's not talk about being a sexual being in a country founded on Puritan principals which are synonymous with sexual repression. I know life is hard, so what, DEAL WITH IT. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So what of people who don't even realize that a problem exists? How on earth am i supposed to relate. How can I and other like me, black women on the path to enlightment find mates when most black men (yes, ideally we still want to be with black men) are still wandering around without a clue that they are sick?

Most black men do not recognize that they have real issues and that they need to address them if they ever plan to make their dreams come true and be happy. As a community we think it makes us weak and when you add the male ego on top of that, it is next to impossible to get a black man to seek professional help. Historically we have gone to church, prayed, orand/or leaned on one another, but with the breakdown in community and the corruption of the church things are getting really bad. Right now we are not equipped to handle the stress and pressures of being black in America and we are starting to breakdown as a result.

I am focused on black men in this blog b/c right now they are my personal problem. Some black women have started getting help and my smal circle of friends are made of women who get it. They are here and support me emotionally and I love them for it. What I cannot seem to find is a collection of black men who really get it. We would like to connect with them, but the constant compaint I and my friend have is that it seems like all the guys we meet are still wrapped up in their issues. I do not want my personal life to be a community service project. I would like to meet someone who is truly on the journey to enlightenment, not someone I have to help find the path. I have been down that road, and you cannot make anyone do anything.

My friend and I were talking about how we tend to see the potential in people, but we want someone living that potential. I think back to physics and the concept of potential vs kinetic energy. When you are atop a building and holding an object about to drop it, it has potential energy, but when you let go and it is in motion it has kinetic energy. As it descends to the ground the potential energy decreases as the kinetic increases. It is a trade off. I feel like my friends and I are in the midst of that transition. We are turning our potential into reality. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I am on my way.You have a set amount of time on earth. You can choose to be safe and always have lots of potential or take on the challenge of making something out of it. Either way,when your time is up its up and either you will have real experiences to show for it, or you'll always have to wonder what could have been. I am in the midst converting my potential into kinetic and I would like someone to join me.

As it relates to black men and women, many of my girls and people like them have decided to look elsewhere for companionship. Some black women have turned to men of other races or nationalities (we have found that men of African descent from other countries can sometimes make better partners than American-born Black men) while others have turned to other women (yeah I said it). Until recently, I didn't believe that someone would "turn gay" but now I get it. I had a woman break down to me the journey from heterosexual to homosexual and why. I do believe there are people born gay, but now I know there is a contingency of women seeking intimacy, connection, and love. The are not getting it from men so they are turning to women. Its sad really, but it only illustrates that human need for love and affection. I think I win b/c I have positive masculine energy in my life thanks to my dad and other people around me. Even though my mom passed away I have nurturing feminine energy in my life thanks to my friends and extended family, but what none of them can give me is the type intimacy that comes from connecting on a sexual and intellectual level. Like many of my friends I have opened the door to men of other races but I will never give up hope that my mahogany prince will show up. I do think he may not be from the USA originally, but honestly I want a man from the African Diaspora. Ultimately, I just want to connect with someone, but being the revolutionary that I am I don't know if a man from another ethnic group will be able to understand my passion for my people.

I love my people and have committed my life to the revolution, but like I said my personal life is not going to be a community service project. I will be with a man who loves me, can connect with me, and will appreciate and honor me, he just may or may not be black. We as a people have issues, I have just finally decided to separate my love life from my need to help my people come up. I wish all my sistahs the best in their search for companionship. I don't have the answers, but I haven't given up hope yet either.

Friday, July 21, 2006

MEN | WOMEN | SEX

I get it, really I do. I always felt that men and women are different, but in the last couple of days I have really had and insight into the fundamental differences that cause sooooooo much drama between the sexes. As I left one of my classes this week I got into a discussion with some of my students about challenges in getting their needs met. I jokingly said I would conduct a seminar teaching men the art of seduction, but they were all ears. As the discussion developed it became more clear that we need to talk.

In multiple conversations, I had different women talk about what they really wanted from their man. Nine times out of ten it was to feel respected, cherished, and adored. Yeah we want to know that you think we are sexy, but we also want to know that you think we are interesting and smart. We want you to want our bodies, but we also want you to want to talk with us.

By "we" I mean well adjusted women with a positive sense of self and tons of self-respect. There are many women out here who have father issues, self-esteem issues, and all other sorts of issues, "we" are not them. We want to love someone with all our heart and demand that we feel loved in return. We are not willing to give and give and give until we are empty. We need to be replenished. We will treat you like a king, but demand that we be treated like queens.

It seems like it should be simple, but what I have found is that most men do not know how to treat you like a queen. They still don't understand that sex is not just intercourse and that what many consider "foreplay" is the cornerstone of what the woman looks forward to. Too many guys seem to think that the breasts, booty, and coochie are the end all and be all to a woman's physique. I guess no one ever schooled them on the small of the back, inner thigh, back of the knee, back of the ear, and collarbone. No one explained that when you take a woman dancing and spin twirl and lead her around the floor you are setting the stage for a night of passion. The list could go on and on and on. Many men do not understand that they can do more with their lips and hands than they could ever do with just their dick. More than all of that, they don't get that if they simply took more time to cater to a woman's needs they could get more of what they want, SEX.

While we want men to care about our needs, I have accepted that most guys are selfish. They only care about making sure they are happy. Therefore, the conversation that needs to be had should be framed in such a way that we (women) explain to them (men) that if they do this (be more attentive to our bodies and minds) that they will get more sex. It's just that simple. Make her feel good and you can get off.

My class may be titled "How to Get Sex Whenever You Want It." Maybe I'm giving away the secret to getting almost any woman to say yes, but I bet that I will get tons of thank yous from both men and women who are finally satisfied. My mission to have hundreds of women getting what they want, so I am working on the course outline now.

Friday, July 14, 2006

You've Got to Get Your Hustle On

" I know you got to get your hustle on" E - Badu, Other side of the Game


I think about
what it takes to "hustle" and succeed and I know the same qualities it takes to illegal activities can be applied to a legit hustle, if you are willing to make it happen. So tell me why don't more people in my community flip it? I have an associate, (I won't name any names) but he paid his way through school by hustlin' and made some great connects through many of his best customers. He always kept it professional and planned to get out and make something of himself. This was years ago, and although I didn't know what was going on, I have always admired his drive and tenacity. Once I found out how he financed his education I was shocked, but sometimes you are faced with no other choices. He now as a very successfully business.

Fast forward to my late 20's early 30's. I know so many people out here struggling, who just have no hustle in them. They don't seem to get that no one is going to give you anything, nor that nothing is guaranteed. Yeah I bought into the hype that all you had to do was get a good education, work hard, and keep your nose clean, but that didn't stop me from being forced out of my last job, nor has it protected the hundreds, no thousands, of white collar workers who are "down-sized" on the regular.

So as the savings ran low and now job materialized I understood that I had to make something happen. It was funny (well more like frustrating) to me b/c as my creditors harassed me for nonpayment they were "get a job" and I was like "I'm trying" but the only jobs that seemed available where hourly labor jobs paying less than $15/hr. Here's the problem, I had $40K expenses and the jobs I was finding would barely keep the rent paid so once basic needs were met I would have nothing left for VISA. I couldn't see the logic in going work everyday to get deeper and deeper into a pit of debt. So I bit the bullet and decided to get my hustle on.

Don't get it twisted I am doing nothing illegal, I developed a business, wrote a plan and now sell products to people and get paid. The thing is, the same qualities have I have to use to make this work are use by street hustlers. So the point is if we could only help them see that they do have the skills to make it perhaps we could have less folks in jail and more getting a good life. Yes it would take a little longer to make it, but isn't that better than jail or maybe even death?

Secondly all the recent college grads and laid off workers need to realize that the jobs they were "promised" or used to just don't exist anymore. This economy favors the business owner/ producer. The days of just showing up, pushing paper, and collecting a check are coming to and end and quickly. The distressing thing is that our educational system is not preparing folks to take care of themselves. We are taught how to go out and work for someone else. We don't know how to be "results based" employees. It takes a different mindset to function knowing that if you don't produce, you don't get paid.

I wonder what's going to happen when everyone realizes that they have been screwed, majorly.
As for me, I work hard everyday. It is stressful being responsible for everything, but it is what it is. I can't be fired, I wake up when I get done sleeping, and the only office politics I have to deal with is what I see on TV. As we turn the corner and start making a profit, I can see myself putting a dent into all the bills that have piled up. I feel confident in my decision b/c I had spent the last 8 months working for $12/hr I would still probably be in the same financial boat, but depressed, angry, and still looking for a "real" job.

LONG LIVE THE HUSTLE!!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Marriage : my thoughts

You can see the full discussion at www.myspace.com/hamlettinternational


Hmm, my take on the whole marriage thing is that there is too much focus on marriage and not enough on relationships, integrity, and commitment. Back in the day of these 40 - 50 year long relationships, people stuck through the good, the bad, and the ugly. It all boils down to commitment (continuing to what you promised to do even though you don't feel like it anymore) and integrity (being a person of your word).

Nowadays people don't take promises seriously, we lie, break agreements, and in general do not respect on another. These actions make for bad relationships in love, business, and friendships.

Marriage is simply a formal legal contract between two people and whatever you decide your marriage is if you have integrity and commitment you should be able to work it out. For some reason though people seem to think it is okay to just renege on their promises.

Then on top of all that, many many many people still hold on to traditional expectations of gender roles in marriage that simply do not fit in with today's lifestyles. I often tell people that I do not want a "husband", I want a partner. I do not want to be a "wife" I want to be a partner. I am not interested in cooking, cleaning, and "taking care" of another adult, which was the role of the traditional wife. I want to be in a long-term committed relationship with a like-minded man who I think is fun to be with, has similar goals, loves and adores me, and is so sexy to me that I look forward to getting freaky with him! Note that I am not looking for someone to pay my bills, take out the garbage, kill bugs, or shovel snow.

If you really talk to many people they still hold on to these values so when they get married and see that A) their partner does not fulfill this traditional role or B) they cannot humanly fulfill this traditional role and be a modern person, problems begin.

People need to go into marriage fully aware of who they plan to be in the relationship, what the other person expects, and what they expect from the other person. If all these things do not line up from the start, DO NOT GET MARRIED!! If they do, you also have to be committed and know that rough patches will come so even when that giddy, mushy, lovey dovey feeling is gone, you stick together and continue to build a life.

Marriage as a concept of two people dedicating their lives to one another is not destined to fail, but it takes a lot of work, honesty, and maturity to really make it a success. I say goodluck to all who are trying and who knows, maybe oneday I'll even give it a whirl!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Being Black Being a Feminist

So lately, I have been feeling angry. But I finally get what it is directed towards. I feel like what I want is next to impossible living in America as a Black woman. I look around me city and see such defeat and desperation, and I wonder if I can really make it over the hump.

So loving the web as I do I search for "angry black woman" and up pops these great blogs. For the past hour I have been enthralled by reading posts of women who accurately give voice to my rage and all the reasons for it.

Add to all of this the fact that I am an alumn of Duke University and teach Exotic Dance classes. I forgot all about my great women's studies classes and how much I enjoy thinking about discussing and debating on issues around race, sex, and class. I feel like my intellectual side has been suppressed and I am slowing dying inside.

When I discuss it people attribute it to getting older, but I know that it's more. I have to get out of her this city is like a wasteland of ignorance, segregation, self-hatred, and depression. I wanted to wait until the end of the year, but I am feeling like packing it all up and making a mad dash. The only question is, to where...?

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

TOO Much

I don't know how many times I have to say it, but its too much for one person to handle. I have tried to make it smaller and smaller, but I feel like I have lost all direction and focus. I am being pulled in a million directions, and everyone wants me to do it all. The thing is, they want to reap the benefits of it and I guess I am offended that they think I am that much of a punk to let that shit happen. You don't want to do anything that you don't like, then I guess you should just stay where the fuck you are in life.

I get up everyday and do shit I really don't want to do. The difference between us is that I know that (or I at least I believe) that if I keep on, things will get better. I am at least trying to make something work, while everyone else is kind of hanging around hoping some of my success will sprinkle on them. These are the same folks who will be angry if I blow up and leave their asses behind. Then it will be like "Oh she's changed now that she has money." Hell yeah, I plan on changing, but I don't need to wait until I have money.

But back to the lack of focus. There are so many directions I can go in, I am having trouble picking one. IT could have something to do with the fact that my house is a mess. Literally there is paper everywhere. There are stacks and stacks of To Do lists, names to enter, calls to return and things to do, and I just don't know where to start. It so overwhelming that I just spent 4 hours sitting in front of the TV looking at random shit. Late night TV is such a waste of time, but I am just not ready to face tomorrow yet.

As the electric company and everyone else calls with threats, this one customer service rep was like go get some help. I was like "What do you mean?" She says there are programs out here for low income people. I guess I never considered myself low income. I honestly believe I am temporarily fiscally challenged. I am not poor, I just don't have a lot of money right now. It's funny b/c if you look at it, my ass is broke as hell. My bank account hovers near $0.00 most of the time and there is no relief in the near future, yet I just don't feel broke. Anyhow, after much deliberation and thought I decided to take advantage of all the programs out there for poor folks, because while this is a temporary situation, right now in this moment, I am in need for real.

So I went to the Dept of Human Services today and that was horrible. I don't know how people can deal with this daily. The people who work in these offices are condescending, rude, and downright ignorant. My sister thinks, I looked to bougie and they were just hating and maybe she is right, but it was enough to make me want to say fuck it. Unfortunately, my situation dictates that I suck it up and deal with the bullshit. Forgive my language, but it is late and I am frustrated.

I call and ask what I need to do to get started. They tell me to complete an application and bring it in M-F 9a- 5p. So I download the application, pull together all the paperwork I need and head over there at 12:30 today. I walk into an empty room, I mean totally empty save the security guard and the workers. She informs me that they only accept application 9a - 12p then proceeds to clown me for not knowing that. I am like how the hell would I know if when I call you tell me 9a - 5p? It was just ridiculous as went back and forth about whether or not it was really possible for me to download the application of the State website vs. me trying to run some kind of scam on them. I just shook my head as I left as I marveled at the fact that they have jobs and I don't. Then again I shouldn't be surprised b/c the gov't agency I worked for fired me for wanting to work too hard and do too much "extra."

Life is just not fair, and while I have understood that and accepted that since my mother first got sick and then died, every once in a while I still get angry b/c I just can't seem to get ahead and I am working really hard.

I feel like I can't get a handle on anything and I know that if I don't nothing is going to work out.