Fog

1/14/08

The sadness just sort of slips in. Slowly stealthily like a fog. I just look up and it's upon me and I don't know how to shake it. I just want to wrap up and stay there until it goes away, but I have things to do and people I am accountable to, so I put one foot in front of the other and keep trudging along.

What set it off was the realization that I have to cut some people loose and make some really tough decisions. It hit me at once and I just am not excited about it. The talk, the conversations, the reality of it all hit me as I walked in and has settled on me like wet blanket.

It's always the same and I want something different. I want enthusiasm and harmony. I want clarity and synergy. I want us all to work together towards one goal. It seems like what I want doesn't matter, and I don't like it one bit.

2/13/08

But what's the point in complaining? I get tired of hearing my own shit, so why would I expect someone else to listen? Today I have the pre-valentines blues. It came on me all of a sudden just like last month, and no it has nothing to do with my cycle thank you very much!

Today was an excellent day. I hadn't been nor have I been lamenting my single status. Most of the time it's just whatever, but two things happened. After a long day of doing a job I am loving, and taking care of some business, I decided to go out to dinner rather than cook. As I sat in the restaurant, it hit me, I am alone. I don't have anyone I want to call to eat dinner with me. Now don't misunderstand, I have options, but choose not to exercise them. I don't want a warm body, I want passion and romance. I want to feel something other than gratefulness that I am not dining alone.

Then I got in the car to head home and turned on the radio ( I never usually listen to the radio) but this lady was on crying about how much she loved her boyfriend and how he didn't trust her. The DJ was allowing her to dedicate a song. They played Sade "By My Side." I swear I was transported back to the concert that I went to with one of the most fantastic guys I have ever dated. I remember how excited I was when he told me he had tickets. It was one of our first dates! India Arie opened and the show was excellent. I called him when I got in (we're still in touch) and it was nice to hear his voice.

I shared with him my memory and he clowned me b/c I recently chastised him for the same thing. We know our time has passed, but as we both sit in the present, unsatisfied with what is, we sometimes reflect on what was ,and think about what could have been. He told me before I moved away that the song "Rocket Love" by Stevie Wonder makes him think of me. When I checked out the lyrics I was shocked. Our break-up wasn't dramatic, but I hate to hear I made someone feel that way. I was young and didn't know how to express my feelings. Then I thought of another fellow who views me in that same light. I would not change anything about how things went down with the guy from tonight's conversation, but with the other I would do almost anything to go back and fix things. He was my last true Valentine and I love and miss him.

While our time has passed too, as I sit here lonely dreading tomorrow, I wonder if I have missed my chance at a deep passionate enduring love. How many chances do you get? I have grown sooo much from those days of fear and uncertainty, but now it seems next to impossible to find someone who ignites any type of excitement in my heart. Was it the fact that we were young? I feel like I still have it in me, but everyone I meet seems so "dead." I am yearning for a kindred spirit who is ready to go out and take on the world without holding back. A man with a vision and the drive to go for it. A man of action, taking steps right now to create the life he wants. A man who will cherish, adore, respect, and appreciate me. Where are they?

Holiday Blah

I am happy to see my Dad, I am on the fence about my sister, but what I do know is that I miss home. Not Detroit, not the house I grew up in, but that good feeling of love and laughter and togetherness. I'm on the train as I write this heading back from the Chi back to see the family, but that good feeling isn't there.

I know what it is, but that doesn't fix anything, it just means I get it. My life changed fundamental when my mother first got really sick. She was the organizer of the family. She put together the reunions, arranged holiday get togethers and kept all the sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, and grand kids in touch. For the past I guess 15 years since she wasn't able to walk or be independent things have been different.

Not one to get stuck in defeat, my sister and I made an effort to re-kindle the flame of family and love, but for the past two years since I quit my job and focused on my business, its been back to before :-(

I have a surrogate family consisting of my best friend from high school and her family, but this year they are in NC with other family so I am on my own. My relationship with my sister is strained and my other aunts and cousins are in Atlanta. All in all I'm feeling a little blue this Thanksgiving. This year has been one of tremendous changed. I moved to Chicago, my friends moved to Atlanta, I sold my studio/event space, and I am looking for job.

You can't dwell in the past, nor re-create it. I look forward to creating my own holiday traditions with friends and a family of my own, but then that gets me to wondering if that will ever happen. I love the whole domestic thing, cooking, decorating, playing hostess and would love to have a honey to share my life with, but things are looking kinda bleak on that front. Part of reason I am job hunting is that with my work I am surrounded by women all the time and its hard to meet men. I look forward to having more discretionary income to go out, travel, pursue my non-professional interests. I don't want to be restricted to my home and/or free/inexpensive events b/c my cash is low. Nor do I want to be forced to go out with gentlemen I am not interested in, just to get a free meal and get out the house.

I miss my days of financial Independence and the ability to do things I want to do, not just survive. When I look back into my heyday of dating fabulous menfolk I realized it was when I was just out there doing me! So as part of my new life in the Chi, I am excited about what will happen, as I get my money right! This diva is all about the renewed hustle for 2008 b/c this being fiscally challenged thing is for the birds. I'm a superstar dammit and that means money is not a thing!

I'll always remember this Thanksgiving b/c I vow to never ever repeat it. I would rather be going to a spa to relax and renew than feeling like a homeless vagrant.

Christmas Just Ain't Christmas

It really hasn't been right for many years, but I think this the first time I gave in to the feeling. Or lack thereof.

1. I miss my mom
2. I miss Christmas with my entire family
3. I miss playing Christmas carols on the piano & singing along (yeah we really did that)
4. I miss wrapping presents in front of the fireplace
5. I miss picking out the tree with my dad & decorating it with my sister & mom
6. my extended family isn't close
7. my close family is fractured
8. my mom was the glue that held it together and its all fallen apart
9. I work hard to distract me from my sadness
10. I feel unloveable b/c I am too independent
11. I can't be needy
12. I am confused
13. I love my friends but hate my social life
    
14. When I slow down I start to feel lost
15. All I want for Christmas is peace of mind
16. Why are most men sooooo random?
17. When I was single, you weren't interested, now I'm not and you want to push up?
18. Again why are men SOOOOOO random?
19. I understand why mom wouldn't let us watch Good Times
20. It is funny though
21. I don't want to go visiting tomorrow (technically later today it is almost 6am)
    
22. I'll feel guilty if I don't
23. I have no gifts to give (pa rum pum pum pum)
24. No drum either
    
25. They say it doesn't matter, but I'm not okay with my financial situation
26. If I give up, I'll fee guilty, depressed, and like a punk
27. Its hard to stay focused
28. My guard to waaay up
29. My perspective is distorted
30. Maybe I should've have been a video girl when I had the chance
    
31. I don't want to explain my lifestyle anymore
32. It's hard to share your feelings
33. Why do the weirdos love me?
34. How can I fix it?
35. It seems to overwhelming?
36. Why is he being an ass?
37. Why do men love bitches?
38. Why is hard for me to be a bitch?
39. According to most of the world I am, but not when it counts apparently
40. He said Proposal 2 was good for us
41. I have to believe he was playing Devil's advocate
42. 2007 and beyond will be better
43. I can do it all, but I really don't want to
44. It's hard to find good people
45. Why are most people soooo random?
46. Our priorities are f*cked up
47. What's the point of being enlightened if everyone around you is still in the dark
48. I used to think I was crazy
49. Now I know I'm just "special"
50. I can't believe its been 12 years, when does it get better?