The Wiz

Why is it so hard to connect? I've been told lately that I let people know too much about what I think. I put it out there too much. I guess trying to be open and honest is a bad thing. I don' t like games really. I'm not just saying that to sound deep and mature, I really mean it. If something is on your mind let it out, I do. I guess that's why they say I am mean. Sometimes the truth hurts, but I am not going to lie to you. So I have been working on diplomacy, tact, killing them softly etc, but it just takes sooooo much energy. I wonder if I really could really take what I dish out if someone were to actually be totally honest with me. If everyone is lying to protect each other's feelings, how can we ever know if anything is true?

I've read the 48 Laws of Power, and I actually believe what is says, but I don't like it. Nonetheless, it seems I have to choose. Play the game or get off the field. That is in every eara of life. I just want to know when you get to be real? When does the power struggle end? Why can't it be at home? But there you have the "battle of the sexes" I don't want to battle. This does not have to be a test to see who wins. I just want to "be."

I am in the process of accepting the dynamics of business, commerce, and management. As I gear up again to "sell my dream" I am still nursing old wounds from the last go round. This time out, as I bring the key players to the team I will not forget that I am the captian. I cannot break form and let them see that I am trying to figure it out just like they are. It is when I make myself human that the magic leaves and eventually things fall apart.

Even so, while I know this to be true, I still have this overwhelming urge to be completely honest and tell them that I am no different than they. I don't need to be exhaulted as the guru or HBIC,. I really would like a team of equals, but I guess if they were my equals, they wouldn't need me to motivate and inspire them. So my commitment to myself, my investors, and everyone else to play the game like a champ. I will play the role of "The Shit."

I will be that bad ass chick who is running things and making it happen. Even though I feel like "The Wiz" and that it is wrong to mislead people into believing you can make things happen when you know you are not able. Then again maybe I am looking at things all wrong. Perhaps my ability to dream big, and sell it is all part of the grand design. Technically b/c of the Wiz's command, Dorothy and crew acheived big things, and grew personally by leaps and bounds. Maybe the Wiz was not such a bad guy afterall. If he never put them up to the challenge, the wicked witch would never have been destroyed and the slaves freed to see a "Brand New Day." It is truly a matter of perspective. I still feel like it is all BULLSHIT, but I am 95% ready to accept that it is just how things are.

I am still looking for a safe space to fall when I have my personal doubts. There are no Super-humans. Everyone has fears and doubts. Where do the leaders go to get filled up? I guess that is where my lack of a mother steps in. That unconditional love, support, and belief that you mom tends to have for/in you. I keep looking and looking and trying to get someone to be that but when I am going to accept she cannot be replaced, especially by a man? I find it weird though b/c I have had so many men tell me that I am difficult b/c I am too indepdendent. I won't let them "help" me, but I am always asking for help, just not what they want to give. Perhaps men simply are not capable of being emotionally supportive. If that is the case, I am screwed.