Only Broken-hearted, Life's Not Over

Lol, so here I am again. Silly me, I thought we were "getting to know each other'" for the purpose of seeing if we wanted to do the relationship thing. It seems that I made a choice, friendship or romance. I have to be honest, I wasn't aware the two were mutually exclusive.

He asked me "what are we doing' I said "getting to know each other and becoming friends" he took that to mean I wasn't interested romance...or so he says. I don't think he's a liar persay, but something about this whole situation just isn't sitting right with me. I am inclined to agree with my BFF, it's a cop out. I think he's scared, but I really don't understand why.

I can't seem to get a straight answer about why he doesn't want to date me. He just keeps saying he thought I just wanted to be friends. I'm like well now that you know that's not the case, what is the problem? He's like so "are you asking me out" and I am wondering what does that mean? We were already "out" at a restaurant eating dinner, and I asked him to meet him there. He starts going on about how there is this distinction of "dating" and that we weren't doing that. I want to know what the difference is exactly. For me it all starts from the same place.

I really thought I was okay with how things turned out and was okay with being friends until someone else comes along and/or he figures out that I'm the real deal, but I got an email from a long-time friend with pictures of his recent nuptials in Mexico and I have to admit it made me sad. Then I am working at this non-profit that services pregnant women and mothers and it is all hitting me that I may never have a family or husband and I just don't like it.

It's not so much that I need it, but I feel like I haven't been allowed really choose not to have it. I understand that if marriage was my top priority I would have done more to make sure I snagged a fellow, but I guess I never really believed that it was really all that complicated. I really thought I just needed to be a good person and that it would happen naturally. But after this latest "Kania you are wonderful, but..." situation I am really getting pissed off.

I am sure it will pass, but right now today I am angry, frustrated, and confused. It's not the first time, but I hope it's the last. I am renewing my commitment to understanding how to navigate the waters of romantic relations. I was even willing to take the time to stroke the male ego and let him "save" me from time to time to make him feel good, but it seems there is even more to it than that!

Now I have to look internally and see why I keep being attracted to these guys who are ultimately unavailable. I thought it (my attraction) was based on personality and common interest and goals, but there is also this underlying issue of fear and insecurity they seem to wrestle with, or they have some sort of disease, or they are still dealing with their last break up.

On the other hand, there are a plethora of really boring guys just clamoring for my attention. No, not "nice" guys but really boring people who it is torturuous for me to spend time with and/or try to hold a conversation with. I'll ask what they are up to or what's new in their life and they have nothing to say except "same old, same old." Their idea of a fun evening seems to consist of sitting at my house or theirs and watching DVDs! Now there is nothing wrong with a night in with your honey, but not on the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd date! Call me crazy but I'm not going to spend time alone with a strange man watching movies. However, have them tell it, I'm being paranoid and difficult.

Then the interesting ones I meet only seem to want to date crazy women! I don't think I am boring, but I am certainly not psycho. I don't get angry and scream and shout. I am not jealous and prone to have fits of rage. I do have great conversation, opinions and lots of cool things going on in my life to share. I have hobbies, interests, and like to go out and try new things. My best friend's husband tells me I am a "hard catch" I was like I am trying my best to be caught, but I keep getting thrown back in the ocean! He thinks guys don't know how to deal with me b/c most women are on stupid shit and about playing games and I'm not.

I know I don't do this whole playing hard to get thing well. It's like either I like you or I don't. If I like you I make myself available, if I don't I don't. I don't have to pretend to be busy b/c I often am! Sometimes I have to work on Fri/Sat nights or have plans with my friends so I can't go out with my guy. Yes I need you to let me know in advance if you want to hang with me, not b/c I am playing by "the rules" but b/c my schedule gets packed.

I know it's just one more guy to put in the "didn't work out category," but I was really hoping to be done this time. Like I said, I'm only broken-hearted, life's not over