Christmas Just Ain't Christmas

It really hasn't been right for many years, but I think this the first time I gave in to the feeling. Or lack thereof.

1. I miss my mom
2. I miss Christmas with my entire family
3. I miss playing Christmas carols on the piano & singing along (yeah we really did that)
4. I miss wrapping presents in front of the fireplace
5. I miss picking out the tree with my dad & decorating it with my sister & mom
6. my extended family isn't close
7. my close family is fractured
8. my mom was the glue that held it together and its all fallen apart
9. I work hard to distract me from my sadness
10. I feel unloveable b/c I am too independent
11. I can't be needy
12. I am confused
13. I love my friends but hate my social life
    
14. When I slow down I start to feel lost
15. All I want for Christmas is peace of mind
16. Why are most men sooooo random?
17. When I was single, you weren't interested, now I'm not and you want to push up?
18. Again why are men SOOOOOO random?
19. I understand why mom wouldn't let us watch Good Times
20. It is funny though
21. I don't want to go visiting tomorrow (technically later today it is almost 6am)
    
22. I'll feel guilty if I don't
23. I have no gifts to give (pa rum pum pum pum)
24. No drum either
    
25. They say it doesn't matter, but I'm not okay with my financial situation
26. If I give up, I'll fee guilty, depressed, and like a punk
27. Its hard to stay focused
28. My guard to waaay up
29. My perspective is distorted
30. Maybe I should've have been a video girl when I had the chance
    
31. I don't want to explain my lifestyle anymore
32. It's hard to share your feelings
33. Why do the weirdos love me?
34. How can I fix it?
35. It seems to overwhelming?
36. Why is he being an ass?
37. Why do men love bitches?
38. Why is hard for me to be a bitch?
39. According to most of the world I am, but not when it counts apparently
40. He said Proposal 2 was good for us
41. I have to believe he was playing Devil's advocate
42. 2007 and beyond will be better
43. I can do it all, but I really don't want to
44. It's hard to find good people
45. Why are most people soooo random?
46. Our priorities are f*cked up
47. What's the point of being enlightened if everyone around you is still in the dark
48. I used to think I was crazy
49. Now I know I'm just "special"
50. I can't believe its been 12 years, when does it get better?