Cracked Up

I had the Ipod going as I drove home from the festival and Al Green's "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" came on. No big deal, but when I went to sleep my mind betrayed me :-(
I felt the lyrics to the song deeply. I mean I was in tears, just thinking "How am I going to do this? How can I start again? Will I be able to do it?" No, no one has actually broken my heart romantically (I would have to actually date someone in for that to happen), but over the past few years it has taken quite a beating in many other areas. I have given so much myself for the past 7 years and as I break up with Detroit I realize my heart is truly hurt. I feel like have been dating a selfish, ignorant, immoral, hateful man and been used and abused and am trying to love again.

I am both angry and grateful, if that makes any sense, because while it hasn't been fun, I have grown tremendously. At the same time my ego has taken a beating. I went through a period of severe depression and self-doubt. I though that my lack of "success" was due to my incompetency or lack of talent, skill, etc. I see how someone can be in an abusive relationship and stay there b/c you can't believe its happening. You think it must be you and that if you could only be different than everything would be better.

It also has to do with the fact that I am so determined to be in control of my life. I think that if work hard enough I can change any situation. I still think that's true, BUT you also have to follow the direction of the universe. I can't say I am done with Detroit forever, b/c I know there is work to be done here, but I was directed over 2 years ago to leave this city and build my empire elsewhere. I know that sometimes you have to leave home b/f you can change it. I was being stubborn and wanted to do it MY WAY! So here's what you MY WAY got me. Broken hearted and on the road to recovery.

As much as I hate to say it, my breaking point didn't come from within. It took an outsiders off-hand comment about this city to help me really see that this problem was bigger than me. I finally got that I didn't deserve to be tired, frustrated, angry, sad, and BROKE. My situtation has nothing to do with my level of dedication, skill, preparedness, or insight. It's just that the culture here is not ready for me and what I do.

So I'm on my way to a more progressive city. Chicago my new love. What I have to do is make sure I give this relationship my whole self and not let what happened in the D scar me. I have to be bold, brash, focused, and optimistic. I can't take no for an answer or belive that its too hard or too impossible. I have to be willing to try anything and stick with it until there is nothing left.

Oh if it were only that simple. But it is. As I finish my laundry and prepare to go pick up the moving truck tomorrow I vow to give it me all and not let any of the negative experiences I had here stop me from at least trying there. I only ask that anyone who calls themselves my friend feel free to give me soft kick in the pants if I ever get stuck in the past. I say soft b/c if you kick too hard, I'm liable to turn around and slap you!

POOF!

I met someone and while things seemed to be going well in an instant he was gone! Its strange b/c it felt good, but then again perhaps my spidey sense was a little off b/c its been awhile since I really connected with anyone. A few great evenings together, long talks about shared interests, and romantic strolls along the riverfront peppered with kisses, hugs, and talks of enjoying the moment, had me starting to feel little giddy and thinking that maybe all was not lost.

It must be noted that this gentleman has a lot on his plate emotionally which is why I tredded lightlly in this engagement and explains why while I am dissapointed, I am not devastated by this strange situation. I would characterize my feeling as that of puzzlement. I really would like to understand why men seem to run from a throughly pleasant experience and then come back months, years later lamenting their decision to leave me for "something else" and expect me to take them back with open arms?

Benefitting from a healthy dose of self-love and a couple years of therapy I get that its not me, at least not in a negative way, but that knowledge doesn't take away the frustration and sadness that there may be no alternative to the occasional FB, lots of platonic friends, and electronic stimulation. So what's A Diva to do?

I know a few things about men. Not a whole lot, but a few things I am 100% convinced of.
a) you cannot make anyone love/like you
b) if a man wants to be with you and is ready, all you have to do is let him know that you are open, and he will come running
c) while it is easy to get into a man's pants, it takes a lot to get into his heart and mind
d) a good looking woman never has to want for male company

So what does this knowledge do to help me in my quest against continual singledom? Not a lot b/c while I can always convice someone to take me out, I cannot make him open his heart if he has decided not to. Moreover, I can't make him stay when he gets scared b/c he's starting to fall for me, and thinks that being open and vulnerable is unacceptable b/c in the past he has only dealt with damaged women.

So when he returns like they all do at some point to tell me that there has never been another like me. Or that they now realize that I am "the one." I simply give them a sweet smile and say thank you, but cannot bring myself to open my heart again to one who threw it away to carelessly when I offered it to him. I don't think that make me bitter b/c I am open to new suitors, just not recycling old ones.

So the current Mr. POOF has officially moved on to the catergory of "another wounded soul" who can't handle me. If he happens to read this, yes I am talking about you luv. I'm not hurt so much as learning from the past that if you are running this soon, you need to work a little more on you before you try to hang with me b/c I don't play games and am not interested in playing hide and seek with you!