What's the Point in Dating? Part 1 & 2

Part 1
I spent this evening in conversation with a gentleman I've been seeing. It's nothing serious, because I've been trying to "Date." I was told the reason I have not had the best of luck with men and relationships is that I have always taken it too seriously. It was explained to me by retired pimpstress T-Mack that it's a numbers game and that the more men you date the higher the odds you'll find someone great!

So as I began my new adventures here in the Chi, I decided to be open. I would try saying "yes," even if there wasn't any "chemistry." I would follow the thought that maybe he's really a great person or has some really cool friends. For most of my life I always felt that when a guy asks you out there is the implicit understanding that he is interested romantically and that my accepting the date you are implying that there is a possibility b/c on some level you are interested too(yes i agree with you J). However, this new strategy says that just b/c you say yes doesn't require you to be interested, you're just becoming friends.

As I am still looking for a job, I'm not trying to spend a whole lot of money. Normally if I go out with friends I pay for myself, so I wasn't comfortable going out with these fellas when I couldn't pay. It just didn't seem right to let them spend their money when I wasn't interested in romance. But, when I explained this to them as the reason I hadn't called or didn't always want to go out, I was told not to worry b/c they just "enjoyed my company." So why do I continue to feel that they want more from me?

It's not surprising as I am quite fabulous, but I can't help that there is nothing there for me. I like what I like and if they are not it, what can I do? I guess this is just to say that I don't understand the point of dating if you're not trying to move towards something more? I don't do casual sex, so if we're not connecting on the spiritual or intellectual planes I can promise we won't be connecting physically! So if there is no chance you getting some tail and you're not interested in something long-term, what is the point in dating? Do some men just really really enjoy the company of women? Should I stop seeing these guys even though they say they are okay with just being friends? My gut says at some point things will get complicated and that I should just take a little break b/c I just don't understand this whole dating thing nowadays.

Part 2

Then on a different tip, what is with this last minute plans thing? Maybe I'm old school, but if you want to spend time with someone doesn't it make since to make plans to see them? I have been dating since moving into town, but have had a number of guys complain or make off-hand remarks about me being "too busy." I'm confused b/c it can't be that they are really surprised that I am not available to drop everything and go-out with them, can they? Please someone tell me, is them how it is nowadays? You call around 5 or 6 to see if she wants to go out around 7 or 8 and actually expect to get a yes? When did it become a bad thing to have a life?

Now to be honest I was making it mean something else. I figured he must not be seriously interested in me if he called at the last minute to make plans. I just put him into the "something to do if bored" category, and made a note not to get too invested b/c he just wasn't that into me (part of my "Its just dating" philosophy). I was informed by a friend that it wasn't necessarily the case, but that nowadays things are just more casual; people don't plan actual dates days in advance, but simply hook up when their schedules happen to allow. While this is new to me, I can accept that, even though I may not like it.

My question is why not? If you have met someone that you say you really want to get to know better, why not set some time apart in your schedule to spend with them? On the other hand why would these guys I literally just met expect me to rearrange my schedule and/or break my plans to spend time with them? Moreover, could they really really be upset and/or offended by the fact that I decline to do so? Are most women so eager to "go out" that they make it their top priority? Am I being strange? Am I being unreasonable? Someone please give me some insight b/c I am truly perplexed! It's not that I don't want to date. It's not that I don't like men. It just that I don't like being an after-though or being taken for granted. I don't think I'm being over-sensitive but maybe I am. I told my roommate I'm going off men for awhile b/c right now dealing with them is not bringing me any joy and right now I only want joy!

Teach me how to love

So many complaints and so many people wanting to find love, why can't we seem to connect? No one really wants to be alone, yet we can't seem to stay together either. An friend of mine recently expressed his desire to find "the one" I had to ask what he meant by that. With aaaaallllll the dynamic single women I know I just don't understand how a man who sincerely wants to be attached would have that much trouble finding his princess. But when I started asking him the same questions I ask my girlfriends who want to be partnered, I think he was truly stumped. Now perhaps he just didn't want to share his innermost desires with me, but my gut says he hadn't really given it a lot of thought.

To his credit, he gave it a good effort and in reality most of my girl's can't answer me either, so I was struck with this realization that while we feel at the deepest level of our being that we need companionship and to be "with" someone, I don't think we really know why or how.

The reasons are varied. We all have read the stats on the number single parent households so we should be able to agree that most people haven't seen long-term male/female relationships modeled. So if you've never seen it in real life, what do you base your expectations on?

I was then listening to that Musiq song "Teach Me" and I got a little further insight that maybe the reason so many men are disappointing me in their treatment of me is that that really truly don't know anything else. I used to be so offended when me would approach me with details of how much money that had or only touched me when they wanted to get a little action. I felt that they were purposely insinuating that my only value of them was their wallet and that the only thing about me that valued was my usefulness for sex.

I considered that maybe I wasn't a good conversationalist. Or maybe I wasn't well-rounded enough to make them want to talk to me about anything other sex or things relationship-related. I couldn't understand why me a person who is well-read, insightful, cultured, and open-minded could not a find a man to have an enjoyable evening with. I was confused about why I couldn't seem to go on a proper date. I wasn't dressing provocatively or speaking un-intelligently, so I couldn't fathom how men were relating to me and/or what they were bringing to the table as a proposed way of being in a relationship.

BUT... if you grew up in a household were men where evaluated on their ability to help you cover the bills/make end meet or were expected to pay for hair, nails, clothes wouldn't you think providing those things were important? If you didn't see Mommy and Daddy being silly and affectionate with each other for no other reason that they were in love why would you know that sometimes all a woman wants is to be kissed, hugged, pinched, winked at, caressed, or swatted with affection that acknowledges that she is beautiful and desirable with no expectation or attempt at sex?

If all you saw was Mama get money or things from men and then perform domestic and/or intimate acts wouldn't you think that's how people interact. If you didn't see them walking down the street holding hands or snuggled up in front of the fireplace drinking hot chocolate sharing the days happenings with each other and their kids, would you think to do it? If your Daddy never made it a practice to bring your mother and his daughters little treats, "just because" would it strike you to show up one day with a little trinket that says "I was thinking of you?" If you heard your mom clowning your dad or her boyfriend for getting her a "cheap" gift for Valentine's or Sweetest Day perhaps you wouldn't think its the thought that counts and be okay with giving her a card, a kiss, and a massage if that was all you could afford and know that she would appreciate the effort and understand that you're doing the best that you can and love you for it.

This goes for women too. I know many many many well-educated women who are stuck in this mode of expecting a man to buy and do for her even though she can do for herself. She never saw her mom work to support her dad while he pursued his dream to make life better for everyone and be okay with having his back for awhile b/c she knows that he will have hers. Maybe she can't be a poor man or an artists b/c she really does equivocate manhood with wealth.

I see it all, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand how to relate to many people with these alternate views of relationships. I don't know how to expect or accept a man giving me money for things that I can take care of myself when he won't event take the time to talk to me. It's not that I don't like gifts (who doesn't?), but what I really want is his time. I want to connect on a mental and spiritual level so that when we connect physically it is explosive! I want to explain that you could take me to McDonald's and we can sit an talk all night rather than go to the most expensive restaurant in town and have nothing to say.

I would take a poor man who will give me his heart over a rich man who will give me the world any day! But how do you get the poor man who thinks he is not worthy of love b/c he has no gifts to give to understand that his greatest gift is his love, respect, adoration, and consideration? How do you teach people to love with a love that is deep and abiding and long-lasting when all they know is of selfish, superficial love based on things that perish, break or can be stolen away?

Church Redefined

I was talking with my friend Rapture regaling him with my escapades here in the Chi. I mentioned that I went to church and he almost choked. Yes its been a loooooooong time since I went to church, and if you've been hanging out with me you know why. So why after almost 6 years have I not only been at church for the past three weeks, but actually looking forward to it?

Simple I found a place that makes sense to me. I heard about Unity a couple of years ago, but I wasn't quite ready to take on anything having to do with Christianity. I thought it was all corrupt and would take me back to that place of conflicted feelings, confusion, guilt, and dread. It took me a long time to get back on good terms with God and I didn't want to chance becoming separated again.

So when my Aunt gave me this book "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson, I had no idea it would lead to this. The book was great, very inspirational, but it didn't lead me to church. It did help me see that there could another way though.

So fast forward about 3 years. I was preparing for this move to Chicago, and full of fear and anxiety. I had negotiated the sale of my dance studio and was preparing to move out of my loft. The thing is ,I didn't have a job lined up in Chicago, or any guarantees that this whole thing would work out at all. I was in the middle of packing up my loft and this particular Sunday morning I woke up at 9am (early for me on a Sunday) with an overwhelming need to go to Renaissance Unity. I didn't know where it was, what time service started, but I was compelled.

I hopped online and found it. I really tried to resist, but I couldn't. I tried to go back to sleep, I couldn't. I finally gave in, got dressed and went on my way. I got there too late for the service, but the welcome I received was heart warming. I received a complimentary CD of the service as well as overview of what Unity is all about.

The core principles of Unity are as follows:

1. There is only one Presence and one Power active as the universe and as my life, God the Good.
2. Our essence is of God; therefore, we are inherently good. This God essence, called the Christ, was fully expressed in Jesus.
3. We are co-creators with God, creating reality through thoughts held in mind.
4. Through prayer and meditation, we align our heart-mind with God. Denials and affirmations are tools we use.
5. Through thoughts, words and actions, we live the Truth we know.

I am still in my evaluation phase, but I will say this. When I walked into the bookstore at Renaissance I was blown away. It looked just like my personal library of personal growth and spiritual enlightenment texts. There books on meditation, yoga, healthy eating, natural healing, and so much more. There was such diversity in the congregation I couldn't believe it. Then as I walked out of the sanctuary, I ran into my Aunt and cousins. To top it off, it was the day of the church picnic and I came in 3rd place in the Hula Hoop contest!

I had such a good feeling when I left there I couldn't believe. I just left a church and felt nothing but love, openness, and positivity. I did a little research into Unity and found it to be interesting and worth more investigation. I promised myself to look into it more when I got to Chicago.

So I did and I have been to Unity in Chicago each Sunday for the last 3-weeks. The people have been welcoming and I look forward to the next time I can go. There are workshops on prosperity, finding your life's purpose, achieving your heart's desire and more! If its been a while since you've been in a place of worship, or you have a desire to be part of a spiritual community that is not about judgment, I urge you to check out a Unity Church in your area. You don't have to leave your current belief system, b/c every path to God is embraced. If your soul is yearning to connect with other spiritual people, or you just want to hear a positive message that is empowering and uplifting I hope you'll take advantage of this opportunity. I am happy that I followed the direction of the Spirit that Sunday and look forward to what is next on my journey to peach and enlightenment!

Living Just Enough for the City

I've been kickin' it in the Chi for about three weeks and officially loving it! Outside of the fact that I have a tastee roommate, I also have an AMAZING view of Lake Michigan. I literally wake up and look out over this beautiful peaceful blue expanse. Add to that fact this fabulous Indian Summer we have this September and I am in heaven.

I made this move to get a change of scenery and start living the life I want and tonight I did just that. I love the theatre, and one of the reasons Chicago drew me is b/c it has a wonderful theatre district. It's often the first stop many shows make after leaving New York! Tonight I went to see The Color Purple and it was breath-taking. I was a bit worried that it may not live up to the hype, but it surpassed my greatest expectations.

This was the final night of its Chicago run and I bought the ticket on impulse. Yes I know I haven't quite found a job, or established my revenue streams here, but there was no way I was letting that show close without checking it out. So I took myself out on a date. Dinner at a wonderful restaurant, 312 Chicago, where I had this fish I never heard of before but found quite flavorful and popped around the corner to check out the show at the Cadillac Palace Theatre. For the final show of a great run!

I was captivated from the moment I sat down! It was wonderful to see so many people of color at the show and even better to see many other people there as well. Ms. Winfrey gets mad props for putting this production on!

I don't know how to describe it, but what I can say is that I could feel this show. The first big number "Mysterious Ways" was soul-stirring. Like being in church and feeling the spirit come over you. Not a get up and do the holy dance spirit, but like you can feel a presence and it feels good! I would say the number "Hell No" performed by Sophia (the character) was hilarious! All the women in the audience were in stitches. Then Shug Avery showed up on the scene (let me say that Michelle Williams (of Destiny's Child) did an excellent job!) and the show was never the same. I will say that this stage production definitely took the relationship between Celie and Shug a step further than the movie, but more inline with the book.

Everyone knows the story, and if you don't, read the book and rent the move before going to see this production, but seeing it performed live is still full of surprises. I was on my feet by the time the final number was performed and hooted and hollered my appreciation for a fabulous performance during the curtain call. Even though we had very lively audience member who felt the need to shout out and clap and odd moments, I found my this theatrical event to be thoroughly enjoyable and can't wait to see my next production!

When The Color Purple comes to your town, make sure you take the time to see it. This production is on its way to San Fransisco, so if you're looking for a great reason to visit out west, this could be it! We have to support shows like this so we can see more quality theatre that tells stories pertinant to African Americans!