Teach me how to love

So many complaints and so many people wanting to find love, why can't we seem to connect? No one really wants to be alone, yet we can't seem to stay together either. An friend of mine recently expressed his desire to find "the one" I had to ask what he meant by that. With aaaaallllll the dynamic single women I know I just don't understand how a man who sincerely wants to be attached would have that much trouble finding his princess. But when I started asking him the same questions I ask my girlfriends who want to be partnered, I think he was truly stumped. Now perhaps he just didn't want to share his innermost desires with me, but my gut says he hadn't really given it a lot of thought.

To his credit, he gave it a good effort and in reality most of my girl's can't answer me either, so I was struck with this realization that while we feel at the deepest level of our being that we need companionship and to be "with" someone, I don't think we really know why or how.

The reasons are varied. We all have read the stats on the number single parent households so we should be able to agree that most people haven't seen long-term male/female relationships modeled. So if you've never seen it in real life, what do you base your expectations on?

I was then listening to that Musiq song "Teach Me" and I got a little further insight that maybe the reason so many men are disappointing me in their treatment of me is that that really truly don't know anything else. I used to be so offended when me would approach me with details of how much money that had or only touched me when they wanted to get a little action. I felt that they were purposely insinuating that my only value of them was their wallet and that the only thing about me that valued was my usefulness for sex.

I considered that maybe I wasn't a good conversationalist. Or maybe I wasn't well-rounded enough to make them want to talk to me about anything other sex or things relationship-related. I couldn't understand why me a person who is well-read, insightful, cultured, and open-minded could not a find a man to have an enjoyable evening with. I was confused about why I couldn't seem to go on a proper date. I wasn't dressing provocatively or speaking un-intelligently, so I couldn't fathom how men were relating to me and/or what they were bringing to the table as a proposed way of being in a relationship.

BUT... if you grew up in a household were men where evaluated on their ability to help you cover the bills/make end meet or were expected to pay for hair, nails, clothes wouldn't you think providing those things were important? If you didn't see Mommy and Daddy being silly and affectionate with each other for no other reason that they were in love why would you know that sometimes all a woman wants is to be kissed, hugged, pinched, winked at, caressed, or swatted with affection that acknowledges that she is beautiful and desirable with no expectation or attempt at sex?

If all you saw was Mama get money or things from men and then perform domestic and/or intimate acts wouldn't you think that's how people interact. If you didn't see them walking down the street holding hands or snuggled up in front of the fireplace drinking hot chocolate sharing the days happenings with each other and their kids, would you think to do it? If your Daddy never made it a practice to bring your mother and his daughters little treats, "just because" would it strike you to show up one day with a little trinket that says "I was thinking of you?" If you heard your mom clowning your dad or her boyfriend for getting her a "cheap" gift for Valentine's or Sweetest Day perhaps you wouldn't think its the thought that counts and be okay with giving her a card, a kiss, and a massage if that was all you could afford and know that she would appreciate the effort and understand that you're doing the best that you can and love you for it.

This goes for women too. I know many many many well-educated women who are stuck in this mode of expecting a man to buy and do for her even though she can do for herself. She never saw her mom work to support her dad while he pursued his dream to make life better for everyone and be okay with having his back for awhile b/c she knows that he will have hers. Maybe she can't be a poor man or an artists b/c she really does equivocate manhood with wealth.

I see it all, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand how to relate to many people with these alternate views of relationships. I don't know how to expect or accept a man giving me money for things that I can take care of myself when he won't event take the time to talk to me. It's not that I don't like gifts (who doesn't?), but what I really want is his time. I want to connect on a mental and spiritual level so that when we connect physically it is explosive! I want to explain that you could take me to McDonald's and we can sit an talk all night rather than go to the most expensive restaurant in town and have nothing to say.

I would take a poor man who will give me his heart over a rich man who will give me the world any day! But how do you get the poor man who thinks he is not worthy of love b/c he has no gifts to give to understand that his greatest gift is his love, respect, adoration, and consideration? How do you teach people to love with a love that is deep and abiding and long-lasting when all they know is of selfish, superficial love based on things that perish, break or can be stolen away?