God, I couldn't seem to put my finger on it, but I knew it was there. Then last night I had a dream and it became crystal clear. One of my constant complaints is that I don't meet anyone that I am attracted to, but when I share this with people close to me they all say the same thing, "You're too picky." I am not sure if that is possible, but I do think you can be fixated on the wrong things. I hesitate to use the word "wrong" because it carries judgment, so I'll say focused on too many superficial things.
What make something superficial to me is whether or not it is easily changed. Looks for example will change over time. On the other hand, character and intelligence most likely will not. There is nothing wrong with wanting someone good-looking, but I think it should probably just be the tip of the iceberg.
So back to my Eureka moment.
An ongoing theme in my life has been my lack of romance. It's like a hangnail, constantly irritating me, but I cannot find a nail file to fix it. The other areas of my life are moving along, but this one has just been stagnant. I rarely seem to meet anyone who strikes my fancy.
Over the years I have put a lot of thought into what I want in a man. At one point I had a whole list of characteristics. The idea was to put out into the universe exactly what I want so that he could be sent to me. So after dating a few, tall, handsome, creative, adventurous, positive, fun, intelligent, considerate men without long-term success I was confused. I got what I wanted, but things just didn't work out. The problem is that you may not ask for what you really need. In my case, what I needed was to learn a little bit more about myself, so that I would know, what to appreciate in my partner.
Yesterday during a training session for my business which involved a life-coaching session, I got a little more insight into what was lacking in my life (I kinda already knew, but it really helped to work through it with someone else). We determined that my new top priority needed to be fun. I had the business thing down. I am focused dedicated and living my dream, but I wasn't having any fun. As a result, I was starting to lose focus and energy for the business. It's all about having balance in your life, and as much as I love what I do (I mean really love it, would do it for free if I was already rich), I still need to take time out for just me to relax, refresh and rejuvenate!
Well one aspect of fun for me is dating and romance. Sure I will take the time to read for pleasure, and go out to the movies, or try to make a new gourmet recipe from time to time, but for me to really be the "intelligent passionate woman determined to live a full life that I love, who will change her community for the better"person that I say I am, I have to find love too.
So we touched on it a bit in training, but last night I had the oddest dream, it was like something out of a bad sitcom. I dreamt that one of my friends, trying to be helpful of course, set me up on a blind double date with her. When the guys arrived I was pleasantly surprised. From just the physical aspects, he was tall, dark and very handsome. Broad shoulders, beautiful skin, well defined upper arms, just oozing sex appeal. To keep it real, I am about six feet tall, and while it is possible for me to find a shorter man attractive, it is not probable without him having a fabulous personality to compensate (When I say personality, I mean personality, it is not euphemism for a big penis. If you can't tell I have had conversations about this before). It seems that there is a shortage of tall men in the world. Perhaps because people did not eat their vegetable growing up and drank lots of Coke. All I know is that we had a super healthy diet growing up so I am 5'11" and my sister is 5'10". On the other hand, when I head out on the town most of the men seem to either meet me at eye level or fall below my radar, so the fact that this brotha was at least 6'5" was fabulous!
So we head out on the date and this cat is really touchy feely. Normally I find it irritating when someone you barely know decides to be all up your personal space but in this case it was alright b/c I was feeling him. We were getting along very well. Having great conversation and really connecting. The thought in the back of my mind was, "Where did he come from and why had she never mentioned him before?" Something was off, but since I was having soo much fun, I just pushed it out of my mind.
Long story short, we end up at a romantic picnic. Then this guy comes on a little too aggressive for me. Being the outspoken woman I am, I tell him to slow down. After a little discussion, I find out that he is an "escort," and was under the impression that he was expected to "take care of me" this evening. Needless to say, I put a quick end to the evening, and processed to tell my friend exactly what I thought about her quick fix to my "problem."
When I woke up, I was amused because I have a real friend who probably consider something like that b/c she swears all I need to do is get laid and I will feel better. The thing that made me think was this, why was I soo attracted to the escort? Could it be that she was right and that if I just met an attractive man I would be good to go? Nah, I have been there and there is something else. When I thought back to my coaching session yesterday and my impression of the escort in the dream, I got the connection. CONFIDENCE.
I mentioned in my session my desire to find a partner who is confident, supportive, not jealous of me and my success, in addition to being tall, handsome, and intelligent. Then in my dream, the thing about the escort was his air of confidence. Of all the guys I have been involved with since starting my business, the one constant issue that had with me was my drive and determination for my own success. My Eureka moment is that I would like to meet a truly confident man. To me that means he is doing is own thing, thus does not get caught up in what I am doing. We would not be in competition because we would both be doing our own thing.
I want to make a distinction between confidence and arrogance. I have met many people (men and women) who seem confident, but it is a facade that masks insecurity. When we become close they start comparing themselves to me and measuring their progress in their own projects against mine. My favorite phrase is "You do you." That simply means you need to live your life according to your terms and stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. I do me, I am not worried about what you are doing unless you need my help support or insight. I offer these freely b/c if you are my friend I want to see you happy and I just want others to feel the same about me. We are each gifted in our own way and if we would simply embrace our talents and pursue them, we would not find ourselves as envious and dissatisfied. Even if we are in the same business, if you truly believe that the universe will provide for all of us, you will be able to work right along side me and know that what is for me will come to me and what is for you will come to you and that there will be enough for us both.
Confidence is not just what you say, it is what you do and how you are. It is the way you carry yourself, shoulders back, head held high, chest out, ready to take on the world. It is living with purpose and having the courage to step out there and live your passion. Deciding not to play it small, but to get in the game and play big. You do not have to have it all together to be confident, but you do need to believe that you are on the road there.
It is very rare that I meet a confident person. Conceited yes, Arrogant yes, Obnoxious yes, but confident, not so much. It is not too much for me to expect to meet a tall, handsome (he only has to look good to me, I don't really care what everyone else thinks), intelligent, healthy, considerate, open-minded, adventurous, free, CONFIDENT man, and I am confident that if I continue to work hard and pursue my full life it will happen.
