TOO Much

I don't know how many times I have to say it, but its too much for one person to handle. I have tried to make it smaller and smaller, but I feel like I have lost all direction and focus. I am being pulled in a million directions, and everyone wants me to do it all. The thing is, they want to reap the benefits of it and I guess I am offended that they think I am that much of a punk to let that shit happen. You don't want to do anything that you don't like, then I guess you should just stay where the fuck you are in life.

I get up everyday and do shit I really don't want to do. The difference between us is that I know that (or I at least I believe) that if I keep on, things will get better. I am at least trying to make something work, while everyone else is kind of hanging around hoping some of my success will sprinkle on them. These are the same folks who will be angry if I blow up and leave their asses behind. Then it will be like "Oh she's changed now that she has money." Hell yeah, I plan on changing, but I don't need to wait until I have money.

But back to the lack of focus. There are so many directions I can go in, I am having trouble picking one. IT could have something to do with the fact that my house is a mess. Literally there is paper everywhere. There are stacks and stacks of To Do lists, names to enter, calls to return and things to do, and I just don't know where to start. It so overwhelming that I just spent 4 hours sitting in front of the TV looking at random shit. Late night TV is such a waste of time, but I am just not ready to face tomorrow yet.

As the electric company and everyone else calls with threats, this one customer service rep was like go get some help. I was like "What do you mean?" She says there are programs out here for low income people. I guess I never considered myself low income. I honestly believe I am temporarily fiscally challenged. I am not poor, I just don't have a lot of money right now. It's funny b/c if you look at it, my ass is broke as hell. My bank account hovers near $0.00 most of the time and there is no relief in the near future, yet I just don't feel broke. Anyhow, after much deliberation and thought I decided to take advantage of all the programs out there for poor folks, because while this is a temporary situation, right now in this moment, I am in need for real.

So I went to the Dept of Human Services today and that was horrible. I don't know how people can deal with this daily. The people who work in these offices are condescending, rude, and downright ignorant. My sister thinks, I looked to bougie and they were just hating and maybe she is right, but it was enough to make me want to say fuck it. Unfortunately, my situation dictates that I suck it up and deal with the bullshit. Forgive my language, but it is late and I am frustrated.

I call and ask what I need to do to get started. They tell me to complete an application and bring it in M-F 9a- 5p. So I download the application, pull together all the paperwork I need and head over there at 12:30 today. I walk into an empty room, I mean totally empty save the security guard and the workers. She informs me that they only accept application 9a - 12p then proceeds to clown me for not knowing that. I am like how the hell would I know if when I call you tell me 9a - 5p? It was just ridiculous as went back and forth about whether or not it was really possible for me to download the application of the State website vs. me trying to run some kind of scam on them. I just shook my head as I left as I marveled at the fact that they have jobs and I don't. Then again I shouldn't be surprised b/c the gov't agency I worked for fired me for wanting to work too hard and do too much "extra."

Life is just not fair, and while I have understood that and accepted that since my mother first got sick and then died, every once in a while I still get angry b/c I just can't seem to get ahead and I am working really hard.

I feel like I can't get a handle on anything and I know that if I don't nothing is going to work out.