Damn U Anthony!

So, I'm trying go to sleep and this song keeps running through my head. I hadn't thought about it in a couple of years and then he (my favorite internet playboy) decides to quote it in his latest post. It's Erykah Badu's "Orange Moon." It was "our song," no not me and my playboy, but me and, well I guess my "Sun." read the cause of this flash back

It was one of those relationships people just didn't get. He wasn't the best looking guy, didn't have much money, or half of the things that I have on my list of "wants," but most of what I had on my "needs" list. We used to talk for hours and hours about any and everything. He had dreams and a beautiful spirit that I adored. It's been at least four years, but really more like 16. I first met him in high school.

Down at the ethnic festival in downtown Detroit. My girls and I were hanging out and he was working a toe ring booth. Now I've never been really flirtatious or forward, but sometimes when you meet someone you just know. It was like that. I was super shy, just as fly as I wanted to be, but I had yet to come into my full AfroDiva-ness so I didn't what to do.


Couple of years later, after graduation, I got my first "real" job working at the movie theatre at the mall. I worked the concession stand and guess who worked in "Oak Tree" (lol yeah if you remember Oak Tree, Coda, and Merry Go Round you're pushing 30 or higher, but it's all good).
I knew I was a little cute then and used to get my flirt on! We went to the movies and I wore my fly red tennis skirt and everything. I never heard from him. Strange b/c I just knew he was feeling me.

Fast forward to 2002-2003 . I had graduated from undergrad, enrolled in B-School, managing a bar downtown and heavy into my Event Planning business. I threw a party called "Caribbean Nights" just prior to a trip to Toronto, Canada for the Caribana festival in August. It was hot, and just as the DJ put on a little Jamiroquai, per my request, and I was getting my dance on, guess who slides up next to me on the dance floor?! It was on! We grooved through Jamiroquai, Micheal Jackson, Jill Scott, Al Green, and Marvin Gaye. We were inseparable after that!

That night we had one of those great spur of the moment dates. He waited for me to close up and we went to breakfast at an all-night diner. From there a walk along the riverfront with great conversation and powerful vibes. We ended the night watching the Sunrise as we sat next to the water, trying to figure out why he kept letting me pass him by all those years ago. (sigh)

I can honestly say this was one of the best relationships of my life. Now my man was a little cash poor. He had a daughter to support and although at the time I swore I would never date a man with kids I made and exception for him. It never has been and never will be about the money. I just don't do Baby Mama Drama. Hell I don't do drama period, its too stressful. She was cool though, caught up in her own relationship so life was good.

He was a thinker, a reader and a music lover. Just my type of guy. We traded CD's, debated on religion, life, politics and everything else. He was a bit stingy with the covers, but hey no one's perfect right? We both had previous plans to go the Erykah Badu concert, so we met there and I chilled with him on the lawn. That's when we decided that "Orange Moon" was our song. It just seemed to fit us so perfectly! Things were fabulous, I would get off work from the bar and he would have my bath waiting for me. We played video games together, and just had good times in general. It was easy & nice.

So what happened you say? Well life and foolishness happened. Now we had been dating for a little while, and I was considering having relations with him. It felt right, like it would be a true connection (Yeah TJ, relationship sex is always much much better than random hooking up). But before anything could happen we had to have the talk. I have always been very responsible so before we could move forward to being truly intimate we needed to get some things out in the air. I wasn't quite sure how to bring it up, but it turns out I didn't have to.

All of a sudden he started acting up. I mean he had a serious 'tude. I didn't know what the hell was up until one night in my apt sitting on the futon he turns to me as says "We need to talk" (Yeah those words NEVER mean anything good). He looks away and starts to share his story. Essentially it came down to this, he had an STD, one that was incurable and didn't feel comfortable taking things to the next level without sharing this information with me. While it is possible to catch and STD while having safe sex its much more likey for a woman to catch it from a man rather than vice versa, so I asked him if he got it before or after the birth of his daughter. He said after. I asked if he had been using protection and he said HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN CONDOMS!

WTF!!! I was like, "Didn't you learn your lesson after the first unwanted pregnancy? Here he was always complaining about how 25% of his gross income had to go towards child support and yet his actions were just begging for another "mistake" or worse. Oh he went on about how he regretted some of the choices he made, but stated that he "Is a Natural Man" thus could not use manufactured protection. At some point I couldn't take anymore and needless to say the mood was ruined. He went home alone that night and things were never the same again.

I couldn't see myself being intimate with someone with such little sense about something as serious as sexual transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy. I had no intention of knowingly exposing myself to any disease and of course would require condom use regardless. We had reached and impasse and things just fizzled from there. Eventually we had to admit it wasn't working and we broke up right after my best friends wedding reception.

I was really angry for a long time. I just didn't seem fair to me, but I learned early on that life isn't fair (If it was, my mother would still be here right?). Years later we're still cool. I must say that I really respect and appreciate him for being upfront and honest with me. Of course he says sometimes he wishes he never said anything b/c what we had was so "real" but in the couldn't have done me like that. Needless to say he has another child now, maybe two more I'm not sure and the girl, UGHH. I'm not hating, he admits that she is not fabulous, and even called me hoping I could talk to her and help her get it together. Again I say WTF??!! First, there can never be another me, I am singular and no I am not going to coach your Baby Mama in the basic lessons of AfroDiva-ness.

I always have these fabulous connections with men only to have something random ruin it. Whether its and ex of 6 years coming back into the picture to accept the proposal she initially turned down, him feeling like b/c I have a degree from Duke, my own business, and a general fabulousness about me, him just being a random irresponsible idiot like Mr. Man in the above tale, or him having serious pyschological issues (read bi-polar and refusing to take his meds) I just can't seem to win. What is it? Is it something I'm doing? It's like there are two extremes total randomness or kismet with a bunch of issues.

I think of Mr. Basketball who started showing up at the bar wondering why he got married to the ex when we were so "connected." He liked to quote Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime." Then there's Toronto who had me up on such a pedestal, he just didn't feel worthy of me until he could provide me with the kind of life I deserved. WTF?!! All I want is to be loved, cherished, respected, stimulated, and entertained. None of the above requires a fat bank account. Now he's got a new baby and a random Baby's Mama to go along with it.

WILL SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS???? Okay now that I have it out of my head on posted for the world to see, perhaps I can get some sleep. Again I say damn you Anthony, I don't like thinking about this shit b/c there is NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT !At least that's how I feel, but maybe I'm wrong. Any thoughts?