So Much To Do...

Its times like these I just can't figure myself out. I sit here with all this greatness in front of me, but I just am not feeling it. Perhaps its the sore throat that's been lingering for the last week or maybe its something more.

I never set up for it to be this way, but somehow I ended up here and I'm confused. Where did it all get off track? Realistically was if ever really on track? I'm just not sure. I had a very simple goal when I set out, but jeez it just isn't working out the way I thought.

If anyone had told me that I would be penalized for my intelligence, honestly, integrity, and ambition, I would have called them a liar. However as I reflect upon where I am vs. where I thought I would be I feel like that's what's up.

I have had several jobs, even started on a "career path" or two, but each time I put all my effort into doing the best job possible, it seems to back fire on me! I ask people to put in effort and rather than work hard they walk away. I go the extra mile, I get ostracized, down-sized, or straight clowned.

Right now I am missing my motivation and I just don't know where it can come from. It would be nice to have someone in my corner to look out for me, yet I feel like I'm expected to be self-sufficient. Even when I plainly state "I need help, I'm feeling overwhelmed" its like they don't hear me or it just doesn't register. I feel like the people around me really think that no matter what I am going to make it happen and that they can just hang around and watch. But I know that I'm feeling so crazy that there is a possibility things will all fall apart.

I wonder if my mother felt like this? She was also the "go to" person. The one everyone counted on to make things right, jeeze she didn't even make it to 50. I'm so not trying to go out like that, but what am I supposed to do? They keep calling and asking and expecting, but NEVER OFFERING TO HELP!! When they're feeling sick I'm on it, asking how can I help, what can I do to make you feel better, bringing over food, medicine, whatever. But me, hah I'm here and no one offers to do shit. They call to ask me to do things for them and when I say no I'm not feeling well, its just like "oh." You may ask, why don't you say anything? I do, and the ball consistently gets dropped. Its sooo frustrating. I don't know what's worse trying to it all and feeling overwhelmed or trying to delegate and build a team and not getting shit done?

At times like these I want to look around and be grateful. I want to give thanks for all my blessings. I am grateful, but I am also confused? I honestly feel like I am doing a good thing here, I am a good person, and deserve good stuff in return, but something is off. I am not attracting the right kind of people to me, so what to do? I feel compelled to move geographically, but is it to a new place in this area or to a new region of the country? Is it a little bit of both?

I have been feeling the itch for something new for a while, but what's up with the haze? Do I need to meditate more? Is it depression? If so how do I make it go away? Should I give up? Should I relax my standards? How do I change my approach so that people aren't so intimidated? BTW I hate that word. If I hear it one more time to describe me I'll scream! I am simply someone who goes after what she wants. I don't settle for bullshit from myself so I push and push. What's so intimidating about that? Why are most people willing to just get by? That's what I don't get. I find most people disgustingly lazy. They complain and complain yet do nothing about it. On the other hand, they are the ones that keep jobs, don't get fired, and are at least content if not happy.

I know that I have so many things to do before I leave this world, but right now I just don't know how I'm going to get off the couch and make it happen. :-(