Simplicity

Wow, I totally get it. It's not hard. By that I mean love & relationships. I made it hard by listening to all the lovely advice from friends and well-meaning but misinformed people. It is simple, be clear about what you want and when you are not getting it, communicate and then choose! So I met this guy, and he is pretty cool. Like anyone he had his stuff, but at the end of the day he's great. The exception would be how he is with me! By that I mean, I know how I want to be treated in a relationship and for this guy it just didn't work. I tried my best to make it work and be patient and hope that we could work it out b/c there is SOOOOO MUCH POTENTIAL! What I see now is that no amount of waiting and hoping will bring about anything. You have to communicate what you want and then if you don't get it, either choose to go without it or call it one! It took me 5 months, but last night it was clear that we don't work right now. So it's done and it's all good.

The possibility I have created is that of easy lovability! I know that's not a real word, but I am making it one. I am going to make it really easy to love me and whoever chooses to do it will be receive a reward that will make him very happy. GAME ON!!

Only Broken-hearted, Life's Not Over

Lol, so here I am again. Silly me, I thought we were "getting to know each other'" for the purpose of seeing if we wanted to do the relationship thing. It seems that I made a choice, friendship or romance. I have to be honest, I wasn't aware the two were mutually exclusive.

He asked me "what are we doing' I said "getting to know each other and becoming friends" he took that to mean I wasn't interested romance...or so he says. I don't think he's a liar persay, but something about this whole situation just isn't sitting right with me. I am inclined to agree with my BFF, it's a cop out. I think he's scared, but I really don't understand why.

I can't seem to get a straight answer about why he doesn't want to date me. He just keeps saying he thought I just wanted to be friends. I'm like well now that you know that's not the case, what is the problem? He's like so "are you asking me out" and I am wondering what does that mean? We were already "out" at a restaurant eating dinner, and I asked him to meet him there. He starts going on about how there is this distinction of "dating" and that we weren't doing that. I want to know what the difference is exactly. For me it all starts from the same place.

I really thought I was okay with how things turned out and was okay with being friends until someone else comes along and/or he figures out that I'm the real deal, but I got an email from a long-time friend with pictures of his recent nuptials in Mexico and I have to admit it made me sad. Then I am working at this non-profit that services pregnant women and mothers and it is all hitting me that I may never have a family or husband and I just don't like it.

It's not so much that I need it, but I feel like I haven't been allowed really choose not to have it. I understand that if marriage was my top priority I would have done more to make sure I snagged a fellow, but I guess I never really believed that it was really all that complicated. I really thought I just needed to be a good person and that it would happen naturally. But after this latest "Kania you are wonderful, but..." situation I am really getting pissed off.

I am sure it will pass, but right now today I am angry, frustrated, and confused. It's not the first time, but I hope it's the last. I am renewing my commitment to understanding how to navigate the waters of romantic relations. I was even willing to take the time to stroke the male ego and let him "save" me from time to time to make him feel good, but it seems there is even more to it than that!

Now I have to look internally and see why I keep being attracted to these guys who are ultimately unavailable. I thought it (my attraction) was based on personality and common interest and goals, but there is also this underlying issue of fear and insecurity they seem to wrestle with, or they have some sort of disease, or they are still dealing with their last break up.

On the other hand, there are a plethora of really boring guys just clamoring for my attention. No, not "nice" guys but really boring people who it is torturuous for me to spend time with and/or try to hold a conversation with. I'll ask what they are up to or what's new in their life and they have nothing to say except "same old, same old." Their idea of a fun evening seems to consist of sitting at my house or theirs and watching DVDs! Now there is nothing wrong with a night in with your honey, but not on the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd date! Call me crazy but I'm not going to spend time alone with a strange man watching movies. However, have them tell it, I'm being paranoid and difficult.

Then the interesting ones I meet only seem to want to date crazy women! I don't think I am boring, but I am certainly not psycho. I don't get angry and scream and shout. I am not jealous and prone to have fits of rage. I do have great conversation, opinions and lots of cool things going on in my life to share. I have hobbies, interests, and like to go out and try new things. My best friend's husband tells me I am a "hard catch" I was like I am trying my best to be caught, but I keep getting thrown back in the ocean! He thinks guys don't know how to deal with me b/c most women are on stupid shit and about playing games and I'm not.

I know I don't do this whole playing hard to get thing well. It's like either I like you or I don't. If I like you I make myself available, if I don't I don't. I don't have to pretend to be busy b/c I often am! Sometimes I have to work on Fri/Sat nights or have plans with my friends so I can't go out with my guy. Yes I need you to let me know in advance if you want to hang with me, not b/c I am playing by "the rules" but b/c my schedule gets packed.

I know it's just one more guy to put in the "didn't work out category," but I was really hoping to be done this time. Like I said, I'm only broken-hearted, life's not over

Rules for Dating A. Diva

1. Be on time and if you can't, call and let A.Diva know you will be late, can't make it, need to get a raincheck etc. Not showing up or showing up more than 10 minutes late is a deal breaker.
2. In the beginning always ask A. Diva out 2-3 days in advance. A. Diva has shit to do and most likely is not going to be available at the last minute. If you wait till that last minute you will most likely never spend time with A. Diva. Not because A. Diva is not interested, not because she is playing by "the rule," but that she knows better than to drop important things in her life for someone she barely knows and since she doesn't like to sit around bored, she usually has activities scheduled in advance.
3. Be a gentleman. If you are unclear about what that means you probably should not try to date A. Diva. A. Diva is not in the business of teaching men how to be grown. If your mama and daddy did not teach you, please take the time to research it on your own and then you may be ready to date A. Diva
   
4. Be creative and make plans. A. Diva appreciates a man who can show her new things and expand her world. If A. Diva always has to plan everything she will find you boring and look for someone more interesting to spend her time with.
5. Be open to new things. A. Diva likes to keep things fresh and exciting. The thought of doing the same thing everyday is not acceptable. A. Diva will suggest all sorts of activities and adventures to get into, you should be open to a lot if not all of them
   
6. Know how or being willing to learn to dance. A. Diva's all time favorite past-time is dancing and A. Diva loves to partner dance. If you do not already know how to dance with a partner, you should learn and/or be willing to take lessons with A. Diva. If you are not willing, do not try to date A. Diva, she will go out without you and you will be upset when she dances with other men. A. Diva will not stop going out dancing just because she is dating you so it is best that you like to go out too.
   

Sex Object

For the most part, I have always dated with a single purpose, "the possibility of a long-term relationship (LTR) with another person." Not necessarily marriage, but with the intention to create a friendship that last for more than a couple of week or months. The exception to this would be a brief fling after my last long relationship drought.

Fast forward to the present. After about another 2-yr relationship break, I have feel the need for companionship which could or could not include sexual relations. While optimally, I would love to meet someone with true Long-Term potential, I have decided to also be open to a little summer fling. Just a quick dalliance to fulfill this longing for closeness to another human being as I continue to ready myself for Mr. Fantastic! With this in mind I decided I would be willing to overlook some known deal-breakers in exchange for a brief affair.

With my priorities shifted, instead of looking for someone with similar long-term goals, and intellectual/spiritual compatibility, I decided to find a cutie-pie whose personality is not too bad to hang-out with and kick it with for a while (read: until those known deal-breakers start to grate on my nerves so much I need him to go away forever!). I felt okay with this b/c from what I have seen most men are not really interested in relationships and would appreciate my new perspective. Then, I had a convo with my sister about a mutual acquaintance who is without a car right now so he is dating women for the sole purpose of using their cars to get around. That got me to thinking about dating for motives other than love, friendship and companionship such as: sex, money, financial security, free meals, status, etc.. I really felt it was unethical for him to raise these women's expectations up knowing full well that if had his own car he would never even go out with them at all.

So this morning as I showered and contemplated calling one of my "fling potentials" it hit me that perhaps I was being unethical too! If I am reasonably sure that the guy I am going to hang out with will never become more than a funny story to share after I move on, is it wrong to start anything in the first place. I try to live by the golden rule of "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," and I wouldn't want anyone to agree to see me under that premise.

So I ask the question" When dating, do we need to be upfront about what our intentions are?"

Success

eye Affirmations for Success:

I desire the highest and best in life, and I now draw to myself the highest and best. The right use of my mind is the key to healthy, happy, prosperous, successful living.

I experience peace, health, and plenty in my world. I develop the power of prosperous thinking and reap a harvest of prosperous results.

Everything I touch turns to gold.

It's Official - The Rules are In!

I will accept that no matter how much I want it to be different there are real dating rules that I am going to have to follow in order to get these men to straighten up and fly right.

It seems men really want to be manipulated and seduced into treating a women like a human being. Please note I am asking for what I see as the basics of consideration, but apparently when you are romantically interested in someone common courtesy goes out the window in place of a complex set of rules and guidelines.

It seems that as the woman, I am not allowed to call the man if I want to talk to him. Doing so will turn him off b/c he now does not have to chase me. It doesn't matter that what I want is someone to talk to, I cannot call him. Then when he does finally call me, I have to be sure to end the conversation quickly. It does not matter that I may like to talk longer, I have to adhere to the time limit so that he is left "wanting more."

Apparently men are not attracted to smart, funny, easy going, fun, beautiful, charming, poised, confident , independent women. Instead they are attracted to women whom seem too busy to spend time with them and/or talk with them for long periods of time. Men have to feel like they are overcoming an obstacle and it must always remain this way or he will take you for granted and be and ass.

So despite the fact that I man want a confident, trusted advisor, companion, and lover, the only real role he can play is that of a lover b/c the others would require us to spend lots of time together talking which would result in him feeling smothered and not being challenged. So the fact that I need to feel emotionally and psychologically close to someone before I have sex is not a factor, b/c the things that I need to happen to build that trust and familiarity will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship b/c I will no longer be a mystery or challenge. The fact that we can talk for hours and have fun doing things together and building a future don't seem to count for much.

With all this in mind, I am back to feeling like there is no real point in dating b/c I can't seem to get what I want.

Passion, Freedom, & Full Self-Expression

These are the three principals by which I have decided to live my life. With that in mind, I have taken a leap of faith and am excited, scared, enthusiastic, and exuberant about! I have been all around the world trying to figure out where my life is heading. I have prayed, meditatied, reasoned, and therapied myself to death to get clarity about my path, purpose, and potential.

I will be working on the transformation of my community and living my dreams. How is that different than before. In some ways not at all, but in others, tremendously. I worked with Junior Achievemen for the past few months and learned a ridiculous amount about what it takes to run a successful and effective not for profit organization.

Moreover, they have provided the missing link in an intiative I have wanted to launch since 2006. Come July 18th I will be working full-time on the behalf of youth in the Chicagoland area with plans to affect the entire nation!

The Transformed Teens program (www.transformedteens.com) is ground-breaking and inspirational. I will be soliciting the support of each and every individual I know to take part in the transformation of our youth into positive powerful achievers. Words cannot adequately expression the joy with which I take on this massive endeavour. I know it will be hard. I know that teens are "special" but I also know that I love each and every one of them b/c the represent unlimited possibility that just needs to be coached and nurtured into existence.

We will be a well-funded organization with a staff of responsible dedicated people working as a community for our youth.

I am finally moving into my own place! As much as I have enjoyed my roommate, full of surprises and and all around great guy, I miss my stuff and feeling truly "at home." It's been quite awhile since I've had that feeling even before I moved I felt I was in a very temporary situation. I think since about 2003 actually. It also happens to be the last time I was in a real relationship, think there is any correlation?

I guess we'll see b/c I plan to enjoy the rest of this summer raising money, making connections, and yes I plan to have a summer romance. It may just be a fling, but sometimes that is just what you need to get the ball rolling again!

Friends First then Lovers?

I am being confronted in my social life. I decided I would do this dating thing and be open to finding love and I truly believe I have been giving it a go, but none of this makes any sense to me. Sometimes I think I may be too logical, but it is who I am and I really don't want to change it.

When I meet a guy I may or may not been immediately attracted to him physically. It is just rare that I meet the "perfect" man strictly from a physical standpoint and even in the rare case that someone who is like my ultimate fantasy shows up, I'm still not going to have relations immediately. I find random sex to be nasty. Sorry, it's just how I see it. I can't imagine getting intimate with a complete stranger.

So when I meet a fellow who I think has the potential to be something more than just an acquaintance or even a friend,meaning, I like his style, his personality seems cool, yes he is attractive, and dammit yes his body of off the hook! I want to know if everything I think about him is true. I want to see if we can be friends before I move into a physical relationship with him. I don't think this is strange, but I am getting major resistance from grown men who claim to be ready to have "real" relationships and not just hook ups/jump offs/ etc..

So why does my behavior seem to be so strange to them? Call me crazy, but I think it is obvious that sex complicates things. It can overshadow the opportunity to create a real friendship b/c rather than spending time creating a true relationship, you often spend a lot of time having sex. Sex is good, I like it, it's lots of fun, but I know at that it takes more than a physical connection to create a relationship.

I would like to where my other grown ups weigh in on this topic. When you are looking for a serious relationship, do you hold off on physical intimacy or does it matter? If you do wait, how long does it take before you do the do? Do you need to be friends first if you want to be more than just lovers?

Being Happy

I wrapping up my latest read, A New Earth: Awakening Your Life's Purpose by Ekhart Tolle (AKA the Oprah Book) and it has me thinking. This is a good thing. I like things that make me think, and get me wondering about how I am approaching this thing we call life. While the book is not thick, it is quite dense and it is taking me a while to get through it all. On the one hand it's simple, but at the same time quite complicated.

It talks about happiness as a simple choice, but it just doesn't seem that easy to me. Today the last thing that had me stop to contemplate was this passage.

"Nonresistance, non-judgement, and non-attachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living." pg. 225

I get it theoretically, but what I am struggling with is how you can passionate about something yet be unattached? I just finished a personal development workshop where we focused on the concept of commitment vs. attachment and I am still struggling to find that balance.

I guess my question is this, if true happiness is being at peace and the key to peace is non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment and its very difficult to live by these three tenets, does that mean it is difficult to be happy?

No Call, No Show

Here's the scenario: We have plans to go out. We set them 2 days ago. We talk at noon and plan to meet @ 3p, he never shows. 2 weeks, no call, no communication. I ask the question "Why?" He says, "Something came up and he knew I would be upset, plus he wasn't sure if I was feeling him." I say, "It doesn't matter, if you couldn't make it you should have called, and if something came up, when things settled down you should have called to apologize and explain." He apologizes and asks for a second chance.

I think no way, some people say make him pay, others say walk away, what do you think? I've been told I'm too hard on men, but I really think that a "no call no show" is a deal-breaker. I get that life happens and things can come up that may prevent you from canceling plans beforehand, but to not show up and then not call afterwards to say "I apologize for wasting your time, here is what happened, and how can I make it up to you," shows untrustworthiness, inconsideration, disrespect, or cowardice, all of which are major character flaws that are unacceptable in a partner. The men I ask all say I should give him another chance, and the women say, please, he's a sucker, walk away now b/c he just showed you what he's all about.

I wanna know what some other's think. If we all know that a "no call, no show" is one of the worst infractions you can commit at a job (it can even get you fired if you don't have a good enough explanation), why should it be different in our interpersonal relationships? Am I really wrong to think that if he'd do this this early on in the "getting to know you" phase of a potential relationship, that it is more than likely to happen in the future once things have gotten "comfortable"? What would be the logic in giving him another chance? Please understand that the upset-ness is not so much around the "no show," but around the "no call." I truly think that giving him another chance is saying, "It's okay to waste my time and treat me with no regard."

Gentlemen, honestly, what would you think of the woman who would still go out with you after you stood her up? Doesn't that reek of desperation? Doesn't it seem like she'll go for anything? Wouldn't you be tempted to see what else you could get away with? Maybe I'm off base. I really don't think so, but I am open to seeing this scenario from a perspective.

Talk to me!

Fog

1/14/08

The sadness just sort of slips in. Slowly stealthily like a fog. I just look up and it's upon me and I don't know how to shake it. I just want to wrap up and stay there until it goes away, but I have things to do and people I am accountable to, so I put one foot in front of the other and keep trudging along.

What set it off was the realization that I have to cut some people loose and make some really tough decisions. It hit me at once and I just am not excited about it. The talk, the conversations, the reality of it all hit me as I walked in and has settled on me like wet blanket.

It's always the same and I want something different. I want enthusiasm and harmony. I want clarity and synergy. I want us all to work together towards one goal. It seems like what I want doesn't matter, and I don't like it one bit.

2/13/08

But what's the point in complaining? I get tired of hearing my own shit, so why would I expect someone else to listen? Today I have the pre-valentines blues. It came on me all of a sudden just like last month, and no it has nothing to do with my cycle thank you very much!

Today was an excellent day. I hadn't been nor have I been lamenting my single status. Most of the time it's just whatever, but two things happened. After a long day of doing a job I am loving, and taking care of some business, I decided to go out to dinner rather than cook. As I sat in the restaurant, it hit me, I am alone. I don't have anyone I want to call to eat dinner with me. Now don't misunderstand, I have options, but choose not to exercise them. I don't want a warm body, I want passion and romance. I want to feel something other than gratefulness that I am not dining alone.

Then I got in the car to head home and turned on the radio ( I never usually listen to the radio) but this lady was on crying about how much she loved her boyfriend and how he didn't trust her. The DJ was allowing her to dedicate a song. They played Sade "By My Side." I swear I was transported back to the concert that I went to with one of the most fantastic guys I have ever dated. I remember how excited I was when he told me he had tickets. It was one of our first dates! India Arie opened and the show was excellent. I called him when I got in (we're still in touch) and it was nice to hear his voice.

I shared with him my memory and he clowned me b/c I recently chastised him for the same thing. We know our time has passed, but as we both sit in the present, unsatisfied with what is, we sometimes reflect on what was ,and think about what could have been. He told me before I moved away that the song "Rocket Love" by Stevie Wonder makes him think of me. When I checked out the lyrics I was shocked. Our break-up wasn't dramatic, but I hate to hear I made someone feel that way. I was young and didn't know how to express my feelings. Then I thought of another fellow who views me in that same light. I would not change anything about how things went down with the guy from tonight's conversation, but with the other I would do almost anything to go back and fix things. He was my last true Valentine and I love and miss him.

While our time has passed too, as I sit here lonely dreading tomorrow, I wonder if I have missed my chance at a deep passionate enduring love. How many chances do you get? I have grown sooo much from those days of fear and uncertainty, but now it seems next to impossible to find someone who ignites any type of excitement in my heart. Was it the fact that we were young? I feel like I still have it in me, but everyone I meet seems so "dead." I am yearning for a kindred spirit who is ready to go out and take on the world without holding back. A man with a vision and the drive to go for it. A man of action, taking steps right now to create the life he wants. A man who will cherish, adore, respect, and appreciate me. Where are they?

Working 9 to 5

Haven't done this in a minute. There's been a lot going on. Since my last post, I've gotten a job, started the job, and considered quitting the job! A lot in a little over a month right? I was offered a position December 11, 2007 with a non-profit in Chicago. I get to work on behalf of youth and I love it! The job falls perfectly in line with the purpose I have chosen for my life, but the challenge of being back in the workforce is present as well.

I told myself I always had options, but what I found in the past 2 years is that there are things I am simply not willing to do again. Having been down that road, I have no desire to return, so now what? This is my first time since college working for a major corporation. I was having flashbacks of my time as an engineering intern and General Motors and wanted to run screaming from the building. The thought of a life of cubicles, water cooler gossip, and all the bullshit that goes along with a JOB got me scared. Then I remembered why I wanted a job in the first place. I missed being with people. I wanted steady income so I could get move forward on some of my other goals like real estate investing and traveling the world.

Yes I have some very real reasons for going back into the workforce and more specifically for working in the youth-focused non-profit sector. I am learning for my next big thing! So despite the fact that I was livid about having to go to work everyday last week when I felt like hell, and being angry that I spent all day today in bed trying to finish recovering, I am still happy about my new life as an employee. Mostly because I get my first check Tuesday.