Because sometimes I forget

Hmm, this didn't happen to me, but damn if it hasn't jolted my crazy behind back into reality. A friend of mine just lost someone close to him and while my heart went out to him, her, and her family it wasn't until last night that it really hit me.

My mother died January 20, 1995. I was a sophmore in college when my bestfriend/roommate answered the call from my sister at home. Then much like now, it took me a moment to process things and deal with it. I'm pretty good in a crisis for this reason, but when it hits me, it hits hard. My mother had struggled for years with Multiple Sclerosis, and while her death wasn't unexpected, it didn't hurt any less. Although many people would find it hard to believe b/c I am told I come off as a real tough cookie, I am extremely sensitive. I have to work hard to protect my feelings b/c otherwise I spend my life being hurt, sad and distraught. With that said just hear about losing someone close brings up memories and emotions.

As for me, when I was driving home from my Dad's house last night I got into car accident. It wasn't bad, I'm fine (although the Jeep has looked better), but only by the grace of god. I have been feeling uninspired and eventhough my recent retreat helped put a little pep in my step, things were still a bit off. While I intellectually understood my friend's loss, I distanced myself emotionally b/c I didn't want to go into an "I miss my Mother, why did she have to die?" cycle of sadness. The thing is, its not about that. Its about life and the lessons I got from her before she died and those I continue to get now. So I'm thinking the universe decided to send me a little stronger message, and literally knock some sense into me :-).

So this morning after moving past my anger of getting into the accident I decided to look for the lesson. What I got is that you just never know what is going to happen so don't take anything for granted. That accident really could have been a lot worse, so that little encounter just reminded me that we don't know how long we have so don't waste a lot of time on bullshit. You have the choice to make each day and your life something special or just let time pass you by.

That got me thinking about TJ's Bravebird so I took a moment to read some of the posts from this young lady and found out she had a little girl. Then that just made me cry b/c it reminded me of all the lonliness I feel without my Mom being here and made me sad for her little one. Then as I read her sister's farewell post, my heart was encouraged b/c I know she (the little sister) won't let that little cutie want for anything, so she'll be alright. I didn't know this woman, but it seems like she was one of those people who attracted postivity and served to inspire others. My mom was like that and sometimes I think these special souls are destined to to burn bright and move on b/c they have other work to do.

Then back to me and my life. For the most part, I have been living big. Since my mom's death I have vowed to do it big and have no regrets. That sentiment is at odds with most of the world and while I started out with a bang in the past 6 years since being back in Detroit, I have felt my fire beginning to dim. On my recent trip, someone asked isn't it depressing here when I described the city and to be honest I have to say, yes. Now of course one has the choice of whether or not to let their environment dictate their state of mind, but why make it an issue? I have enough battles to fight without trying to negate the affects of a negative city. I have done many things and I have stories for days about adventures and cool things that I did, but I don't want to live in the past. My life isn't over! I came back here in 1999 with specific goals. I said I would stick it out through 2006 to make some things happen, and as we bring the year to a close I know its time to move on. It's been on my heart for a couple of years now, but I let fear and stubborness keep me here. So 2007 is all about making moves both in my life and in my living environment. This will be a year of endings and of course when one thing ends another begins!

I want to say thank you to Miss Rainbow for inspiring me without ever having met me, thank you to the universe for my wakeup call, and thank you to my mother from bringing me into this world and preparing me to take it on. I have blessings overflowing and I am truly grateful for my friends (old and new) and family who continually love and support me.

I know my purpose in life and I promise to stay focused on being a "Passionate, intelligent, woman who will positively affect the state of her community while living a full balanced life that she loves!"

--> K