What's Next

It has to be more than talking about "it." I feel like people weren't hearing Russell Simmons who talked about the root of the problem. While I am not a fan of the gangsta rap and ghetto foolishness I understand that the music is just a symptom of a bigger problem. To some extent its economic, but it is also psychological, emotional and spiritual.

I have said that my people here suffer from chronic low self-esteem. We don't love ourselves so as a result we treat one another like dirt. We call each other niggers, bitches, hoes and all other sorts of things. No I'm not surprised Don Imus said it, but no it doesn't make it right.

In these discussions we jump from slavery to rap music and there is a whole lot in between. Slavery and segregation planted the seeds of negativity and self-hate, but this issue has grown into a full-grown weed. Forcing rappers and musicians to change their lyrics and firing people like don imus is like cutting of the top of the weed. We all know it will just come back again and again unless you get the root.

So how do we collectively address poor self-image, low self-esteem, lack of integrity, hopelessness, desperation, and depression? It's caused by environment. I grew up in Detroit, MI and I can tell you first hand what an impoverished depressed environment can do to a people.

I feel like some people point the finger at people like Oprah and say look she came from a poor environment and now she's a mogul, but we all know she is the exception and not the rule. There are some people who are born superstars. They are visionaries and are able to overcome any adversity put in their path, but most people are not. However, if given a positive environment and a fair chance these people would become productive members of society.

My mom was like Oprah. She didn't come from a privileged home, but she was a striver nonetheless. She wanted more for herself and raised me to be the same way. She exposed my sister and I to a variety of things and taught us that we could be ANYTHING we wanted if we simply worked hard. She taught us to believe in ourselves by showing us she had confidence in us and accepting nothing less than our best.

I am a product of my environment and while I am not an Oprah I am a superstar in my own right. I own my own business, finished college, and shining example of a strong beautiful positive black woman, so tell me why and I seen as the exception and not the rule? Why are people shocked to find out I have a college degree and no children at 31? Why was it the same at 21?

We have to love on our youth and help them transcend their environment. We have to help them believe in themselves and help them find the strength to dream of being more than a street hustle or baby mama. Every affluent black family should adopt at least one black orphan and every black person should be a mentor.

We, the sophisticated, educated, privileged, and affluent, are failing our community everyday by not living amongst ourselves or at a minimum spending time among the less fortunate. Its not about clothing drives or food baskets around the holiday season, its about driving your BMW into the "hood" and letting these boys know that they can have a tight whip without selling drugs, being a professional athlete, or being a rapper. It's letting little girls know that they can be executives, business owners, teachers, doctors, massage therapists and more than a welfare queen. It's letting them see examples of black families with husbands, wives, and children at every income level.

It struck me a couple of years ago that my childhood was unique in that I grew up in a two parent home, was a product of planned parent-hood and saw a loving relationship modeled for me. I am so unique that most men and women think my criteria for being in a relationship and having children is weird. The guys who want to date me think I am "high maintenance" because I require you to treat me like a queen. I don't know anything else b/c that is what I saw everyday in my home growing up. My father loved my mother and even though she passed away over ten years ago, he still tears up at the mention of her name.

No we can't fix the broken homes, but we can open our arms to these children and let them see that there is another way. It's a shame that many black children think black folks don't get married or have good credit. So many people say to me, "you don't plan to have kids, it just happens." We have to show them that you make life happen instead of it happening to you.

In summary, those of us who are able to participate in town hall meetings and have great esoteric discussions need to stop philosophizing and start doing. For all these single professional women sad about never having found a man, gotten married, and having a family should become mothers, aunties, and big sisters to all these youth out here without parents or fools for parents. These teenage moms need the guidance of older women to help them be good parents. We need retired teachers to come together and create after school programs to help these kids with homework and supplement the joke that is the public school system.

Let's stop talking and start doing. Oprah we need some schools here in Detroit b/c the Detroit Public School system is dropping the ball big time. Bill Cosby, but your money where your mouth is and let's start some parenting and life skills programs for the youth. To all my executives, senior managers, factory workers, and skilled-tradesmen let's start volunteering, mentoring, and participating. Spend less time shopping for shoes and going to the club and more time giving back to your community. Let's praise them and raise our youth and watch how our community begins to flourish.

So What About Oprah?

Ms. O did a town hall today on the fall out of the Imus issue today and although its been overshadowed by the foolishness at Virginia Tech I would love to get some feedback. I know a lot of people think she is out of touch and doubted whether or not she would use her show as a platform for this topic. So now that she has what else is there to say?

Oprah gets a lot of hate from some members of the black community b/c she super successful, single and childless. Sound ridiculous I know, but sadly its true. I have had men actually say that they hate her b/c they see her as a competitor b/c she hasn't had any children! I admire Ms. O b/c she embodies excellence, style, grace, and benevolence. Despite what some say, I have yet to hear anything about her to truly make me question my respect for her. Sure she is a tough lady, and I doubt she lets anyone get away with anything, but what else do you expect. If she did anything less she wouldn't be a billionaire!!

I continue to appreciate her for doing what she does and if anyone ever questioned her "blackness" can we please just leave it alone. EVERYONE in the black community she look to her as an inspiration and example of what you can achieve no matter where you come from!

Regarding the Duke Lacross Case

Yes I'm going to say it, even with the charges being dropped, I don't know if I believe they are innocent. Here's the thing. I went to Duke and I can attest to the lifestyle of the students there and it is one privilege and entitlement. Duke is a wonderful school and I would recommend anyone go there black, white, or other,but Duke is also very much like the real world.

We may never know what really happened that night, but what I do know is this as a Black woman from a working class family who was fortunate enough to experience this world of the elite, I know we(black women) are not valued. Its funny how this came down at the same time as the Imus situation, as it is a clear example of how no matter if you are a collegiate athlete or a stripper at a party you can still be considered a "ho."

Since we arrived in this country, and truth be told before my foremothers left the shores of Africa, white men have felt they have the right to do anything they want to black women (Yes I know that all women have been oppressed over time, but I'm focusing on my community right now). We have been bred, beaten, raped, and abused, and even in 2007 disrespected. So its not hard to think that a group of drunk frat boys who feel they are entitled to whatever they want would assault a stripper, especially a black one.

These young men may be completely innocent, it is also VERY possible that their resources have been used to make this situation "go away." Its an issue of race, gender, class, power, and politics. My gut tells me that something shady went on, but perhaps its my own prejudice influencing me. That nagging belief in my mind that white people just don't respect black people and therefore cannot be trusted to do right by us. I don't think its all intentional, but when you look at how things are how can I think anything else?

Truth is, I shy away from movies and books that tell the history of the atrocities my people have suffered b/c it makes it hard for me to function day to day in this world. When I reflect upon the state of my people, there is so much rage, frustration, and sadness, that my heart feels like it will break and be replaced with a burning desire for revenge. I've done my research and I am a strong warrior for my people, but sometimes I just get sooooo overwhelmed.

Yes I am an angry black women fighting daily to to find peace and channel that energy into good works. Instead of focusing on the wrong that was done, I think on how to move onward and upward. Things like Imus, and the Duke case, just remind me of just how vast this task is and honestly make me question whether or not I can truly make a difference. But, I have to remain hopeful or I think I would lose my will to go on and just sit, forever.

Don't worry I have vowed to make a difference and will not stop until I do or I am no more.

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???Nappy Headed Hos???

First off, this shows just how out of the loop I've been. I hadn't heard anything about this foolishness until I talked with my line-sister yesterday. After catching up on each other's lives she asked my opinion on the IMUS situation. I had no idea what she was referring to. I don't watch too much TV and don't listen to the radio much either (I can't stand most commercial music) so I admit, sometimes I miss out on important news items (I have subscribe to a mail service now that will come to my inbox). After turning to CNN and MSNBC and doing the requisite Google I got the gist of what was happening. First I thought this must be some kind of joke, but sadly I knew it wasn't.

My outrage is on soo many levels I don't know if I can organize my thoughts coherently, but I'll try.

First I am upset that anyone would try to defend this by bringing up rap music. I am not a fan of a lot of rap b/c I do not like all the references to ho's and bitches, but and this is the thing none of those songs are directed at anyone specfically.

One the other hand, if any MC's were confused or thought that their excessive use of these terms were not having an impact here is your proof. For some reason or another this crazy man thought it would be okay to refer to the black women on this team as ho's. Is anyone unaware that ho is short for WHORE!!! WTF!! On top of that some other crazy white folk are trying to say that b/c rappers and other artists constantly use ho in place of girl, woman, etc and have black women in their videos that ho is synonymous with black woman. GRRRRR, I just want to scream.

Then I have heard the argument that if a black man had said the same thing it would not be as big a deal. WRONG!! If Tavis Smiley or Barack Obama or Snoop Dogg has said this I would be livid as well. As a matter of fact, I had a discussion with a group of my students a couple of weeks ago and one woman related a story about and informal get together of professional black men and women. They were discussing relationships and one man when talking about his significant other (who was not present) said "blah blah blah and this ho blah blah blah!" Of course when he was checked by ALL the women in the room she said he seemed genuinely surprised at their reaction.

Has everyone lost their damn minds? Can it really be like this? I just cannot understand b/c for every street walker, hoochie mama, and gold digger represented we have plenty of teachers, lawyers, doctors, and other educated professional respectable black women.

Then the nappyheaded comment just took it to a whole other level. But hey let's not front, how many black people still aren't down with natural hair? How man men would really "prefer" that women like me just get a damn relaxer? I have heard it many times and I just shake my head in disgust. This post is random, but I just don't know what to say.

Yes he needs to be fired and yes I am keeping track of who defends him, continues to advertise on his show and who doesn't. When its all said and done yes we need to rally against this idiot, but what we really need to do is take a look at ourselves and get it together.

Sometimes I think its my imagination or that I am just over thinking things when I worry about how black women are perceived in this world. I felt like we are still put into these boxes of mammy, whore, or sapphire, but wondered if I was wrong. Sometimes it seems like a waste of time to be a virtuous woman b/c no matter what you do and how you present yourself you ultimately are characterized in a negative light. When will Black woman be seen as Goddesses too? When will be held up for admiration outside of how bodacious our booties are?

I'm not surprised by that ignorant old white man's comments. He came up in an era when black people couldn't vote, sit at the same counter and all that nonsense, what really concerns me is how man younger people still hold these same ignorant views.

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So Much To Do...

Its times like these I just can't figure myself out. I sit here with all this greatness in front of me, but I just am not feeling it. Perhaps its the sore throat that's been lingering for the last week or maybe its something more.

I never set up for it to be this way, but somehow I ended up here and I'm confused. Where did it all get off track? Realistically was if ever really on track? I'm just not sure. I had a very simple goal when I set out, but jeez it just isn't working out the way I thought.

If anyone had told me that I would be penalized for my intelligence, honestly, integrity, and ambition, I would have called them a liar. However as I reflect upon where I am vs. where I thought I would be I feel like that's what's up.

I have had several jobs, even started on a "career path" or two, but each time I put all my effort into doing the best job possible, it seems to back fire on me! I ask people to put in effort and rather than work hard they walk away. I go the extra mile, I get ostracized, down-sized, or straight clowned.

Right now I am missing my motivation and I just don't know where it can come from. It would be nice to have someone in my corner to look out for me, yet I feel like I'm expected to be self-sufficient. Even when I plainly state "I need help, I'm feeling overwhelmed" its like they don't hear me or it just doesn't register. I feel like the people around me really think that no matter what I am going to make it happen and that they can just hang around and watch. But I know that I'm feeling so crazy that there is a possibility things will all fall apart.

I wonder if my mother felt like this? She was also the "go to" person. The one everyone counted on to make things right, jeeze she didn't even make it to 50. I'm so not trying to go out like that, but what am I supposed to do? They keep calling and asking and expecting, but NEVER OFFERING TO HELP!! When they're feeling sick I'm on it, asking how can I help, what can I do to make you feel better, bringing over food, medicine, whatever. But me, hah I'm here and no one offers to do shit. They call to ask me to do things for them and when I say no I'm not feeling well, its just like "oh." You may ask, why don't you say anything? I do, and the ball consistently gets dropped. Its sooo frustrating. I don't know what's worse trying to it all and feeling overwhelmed or trying to delegate and build a team and not getting shit done?

At times like these I want to look around and be grateful. I want to give thanks for all my blessings. I am grateful, but I am also confused? I honestly feel like I am doing a good thing here, I am a good person, and deserve good stuff in return, but something is off. I am not attracting the right kind of people to me, so what to do? I feel compelled to move geographically, but is it to a new place in this area or to a new region of the country? Is it a little bit of both?

I have been feeling the itch for something new for a while, but what's up with the haze? Do I need to meditate more? Is it depression? If so how do I make it go away? Should I give up? Should I relax my standards? How do I change my approach so that people aren't so intimidated? BTW I hate that word. If I hear it one more time to describe me I'll scream! I am simply someone who goes after what she wants. I don't settle for bullshit from myself so I push and push. What's so intimidating about that? Why are most people willing to just get by? That's what I don't get. I find most people disgustingly lazy. They complain and complain yet do nothing about it. On the other hand, they are the ones that keep jobs, don't get fired, and are at least content if not happy.

I know that I have so many things to do before I leave this world, but right now I just don't know how I'm going to get off the couch and make it happen. :-(

The New Man

I wrote an entry titled The New Woman and I went on and on about how we are liberated and want to be valued and blah blah blah. The thing is, we've heard it all before. So I thought about it, and came to this conclusion, there is a lot on conversation about feminism and the changing roles of women, but what about the men?

After my Saturday Pole Position class, we got to chatting and as all the women expressed their frustration and confusion about dealing with men it hit me. It's obvious that men must not know how to act. Now some may really just choose to be idiots, but for others its true ignorance. The truth is women finding their voice and being more independent and pursuing their own happiness really effects men.

Sexism and male chauvinism was developed by men for men and now that we're challenging it, it means the gentlemen in our lives have to make some adjustments. Some think it makes life harder, but ultimately it could lead to everyone being happier.

My ultimate desire is for people to be able to decide who they are and what role the play in society and in their relationships for themselves. Just a women are choosing to redefine the definition of being a woman, men should be free to do the same. Unfortunately I just don't see that happening. I should say that my reference point is the black community. I cannot speak for men of other ethnic backgrounds, but I can say the majority of Black men I encounter continue to define themselves against these traditional gender roles.

Following is an article written about making changes in definitions of masculinity read it think on it and see if it relates to you.

Birth of a new man:
the politics of masculinity.
Chris Brazier argues that in giving up their power
over women men may just find themselves. -Original Article found in New Internationalists

My grandfather died as I was putting this issue together. He was 84 and illness had led us to expect the worst. And I knew when I visited him the weekend before his death that I was speaking to him for the last time. As I stood beside the bed he looked shrunken into himself, helpless and weak though still mentally alert. He seemed like a little boy, lost inside a withered frame. I couldn't say anything meaningful to him - about whether he was afraid at the prospect of death, perhaps - since neither his own wife nor his son, my father, were able to have such conversations with him.

But then it had always been so. Intimate talk about anything that went much deeper than the surface level of work and everyday happenings always made him profoundly uncomfortable. In this he was typical of many men, though there is no such thing as 'a typical man'. And as I meditated at his funeral on what he had meant to me I kept coming back unavoidably to this one image of him standing by the fireplace, his hand jangling the coins in his pocket as a way of absorbing his embarrassment at the experience of one-to-one communication. Once I remember he and my father stood together at the fireplace talking, both of them jangling the coins in their pockets. And I promised myself that I'd never be like that with my father or my sons, that I'd work to change the patterns of masculinity laid down for the male members of my family.

* * *

I hope women and gay men will understand if I address this article (and indeed most of this magazine) to heterosexual men like myself. We, after all, are the ones who need to get our act together.

I'm trying to imagine your first reactions on seeing that this issue of the NI is about Masculinity. A little fascinated, possibly. Perhaps even a little threatened? This would be hardly surprising, since 'masculinity' is itself something of a taboo area in our culture. True, it is a culture dominated by men, and we will sound off endlessly about most things under the sun. But, as Simone de Beauvoir once pointed out, men are always the subject rather than the object of discussion. We never talk about what it is actually like to be a man. Instead we simply react when forced to by the urging of our female partner or a feminist at work. We wait for women to raise the issue and then adjust accordingly. This is why almost all heterosexual men who have thought seriously about masculinity have been obliged to do so by entering a relationship with a feminist - at which point they are doing it for the sake of their own comfort.

This is understandable but it is time we stopped seeing 'women's concerns' as only being relevant to us when they smack us in the face. Women have enough trouble dealing with their own problems in a sexist world without having to take all the responsibility for changing men, too. It's time we stopped relying on their emotional strength, their knowledge of relationships and built up some of our own.

But we can't begin to do that until we recognize that masculinity as it is currently constructed is oppressive to women. The distressing statistics on Page 16 are evidence of this. We earn 90 per cent of the world's income and own 99 per cent of its property.1 We commit around 90 per cent of crimes of violence2 and 100 per cent of rapes.

When I say 'we' do these things you may think I strike a false note. After all, it is probable that you, like me, have only a modest income and little or no property; that you have never committed a violent crime, let alone a rape. Why should we be equated with men who run countries and corporations, men who rape and kill?

We can ask women not to lump us indiscriminately together with hostile men. But in return we need to recognize that we benefit from sexism every day of our lives, whether we like it or not. There is, for instance, the way that male-dominated workplaces tend to reproduce themselves by appointing more men. The way even sympathetic men leave more of the burden of childcare and housework on women. But there are also more everyday, less obvious benefits, such as the confidence and power we can feel in public situations because they are populated and defined mainly by men.

This is true even when we walk down a street, especially at night. On rare occasions we might find this frightening - when we have to pass a group of aggressive or drunken men, for example. But a woman is likely to experience this feeling as an almost everyday experience. Some don't go out at night at all. Others make elaborate transport arrangements to avoid walking alone. Those who do will often have a nagging fear in the back of their minds - trying not to think about the shadows, worrying about those male footsteps echoing behind her which just might be those of an attacker. This might seem exaggerated. But if so it probably only shows how safe we feel by comparison. The echoing footsteps are quite likely to be ours, after all. We know that nothing is farther from our minds than rape or attack. But the woman ahead of us does not. By simply crossing the street or waiting we could put her mind at rest.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. If we manage to get past our initial threatened reaction, this is often the next phase - despair sets in. If anything from walking along the street to taking a job in an already male-dominated setting can be seen as a contribution to the problem, then aren't we all hopeless cases?

I don't believe this for a moment. Guilt is a negative emotion which paralyses us, makes us feel worthless and incapable. And a lot of the early writing and thinking done by anti-sexist men in the 1970s was redolent of this guilt. But there is so much we can do and so much to be done if we are serious. True, there are also a lot of things we should do our honest best to avoid doing - and Page 25 offers both some ground rules and some tips which might help you take action here and now. In order to be usefully anti-sexist we have to listen to what women are saying and take political action to help their cause. But we must also be prepared to change ourselves, often in quite painful ways. This is a tough business. But it might also be a great adventure. To understand why, we need to go back to the beginning.

* * *
Like father like son. John Wayne Junior steps into some celebrated macho shoes.
Photo: Camera Press

Imagine you're encountering someone else's baby for the first time. You look at the strange, scrunched-up little face, you push your finger into its grasping hand and your heart melts at the vulnerability of this tiny human being, But something is nagging at you and you feel uneasy until you know one key thing - whether this is a girl or a boy. Why should this be? I think it can only be because we need to slot the baby into a box marked 'male' or 'female' in our minds - and to respond accordingly. This may result in the most imperceptible changes in attitude and behaviour - particularly among those of us who consciously try to be anti-sexist. But I can't see any other reason for that small movement of relief in us when we find out a baby's sex.

The world at large, of course, is much more crass and unashamed in its preconceptions. And the result is that boys and girls are set out along different routes. Some argue that biology has something to do with it. This may well be true but it almost doesn't matter, since it is clear that society and culture, which are human creations, fully capable of change, have an overwhelming influence upon us. If this were not so then you would have to say that Iranian women, for example, were more genetically predisposed than Canadian women to wear veils and be submissively invisible, which is clearly absurd.

Masculinity and femininity are not written down in tablets of stone or of DNA. And that is a message of hope. Because although no parents can exclude all the sexist influences upon their children, they can certainly alter the mix. Indeed every one of us, parents or not, can do our bit to change that mix of influences by our own example. Minute and undiscernible it may be, but this is one area in which we all have an effect.

Boys learn how to behave by hint and example from parent and peer group, television and teacher. They learn to be more interested in activity and competition than in communicating and listening, than in being sensitive to the moods and rhythms of people and places. This is often quite a painful process for them. Very few boys are as rough, tough and unfeeling, for example, as the often violent culture of the playground expects them to be.

Take eight-year-old Michael, the son of a friend, who is torn between the macho boy his school friends expect him to be and the more sensitive creature required at home. We settled down to talk one night as an alternative to a bedtime story and the novelty of having his words recorded helped him respond very well to the challenge of an adult conversation.

I mean there's a bad side of me and a good side of me and sometimes the bad Michael comes out and sometimes the good Michael comes out. Because they're fighting... to come out.

What happens when the bad side comes out?

I just start to fight.

What makes you start to fight?

What my body says to me. It says you've got to do the things that you want to do. When someone does something bad to you you've got to do what you want to do to them. Like if they hurt your feelings you have to do something, not just walk off. You have to do something, tell somebody or just punch them.

Where do you feel more like the real you?

At home.

Do you think one day there'll only be one Michael?

Mmm. Maybe when I'm grown up.

Not all of us would express this so starkly - in the classic terms of the split personality. Nor did most of us, coming as we did from homes and parents with conventional assumptions about boys and girls, have to face up to this conflict quite so early as Michael. But it is a drama we have nevertheless all undergone. Learning to be a man is partly learning how to hide and cover the more sensitive side of ourselves. This, we are taught, we have to do in order to survive in a violent world. We have, as the Sergeant says every week in Hill Street Blues, to 'do it to them before they do it to us'. This helps is to 'get on', to fix our eyes on the far horizon in the interests of 'getting the job done'.

People around us can be damaged by this 'far horizon' approach. But we are damaged by it, too. A man, as Elvis Costello once sang, is 'shot with his own gun'. The same weapons in his personality which protect him in the big wide world also leave him lost in his own personality. Our preoccupation with doing and achieving things is a real hindrance when it comes to understanding our own inner selves or forming and maintaining close relationships. This is why we rely on women to unlock this area for us, and where the common saying arises that a man 'has his rough edges knocked off by a woman'.

Back in the 1970s some men concluded from this that they were just as much victims of their 'sex role' as were women. They conceived the idea of 'men's liberation', when there can't really be any such thing, What they forgot is that men have power over women and not the reverse. It is men who have constructed a world for their own benefit - and men who must be prepared to relinquish their power by supporting women's rights in the home, the workplace and society at large.

But at least these men were putting some serious thought into what had made them men. Most men are still light years away from understanding the issues, let alone from embodying the newly popular marketing image of 'the new man' which is referred to on the tongue-in-cheek cover of this magazine. We could all come up with depressing evidence that we have a long way to go. My own mind goes back to the bar at Johannesburg's Jan Smuts airport last April. I was joined by a white man keen to engage me in conversation. As most of us will, he chose what he thought would be uncontentious shared ground for his opening comment. He said: 'There are some tasty pieces of meat on this flight, aren't there?' What he meant, since you may well be in need of an interpreter, was that he found some of the women sexually attractive.

I should perhaps have answered that I was a vegetarian. I should certainly have done more than splutter apoplectically into my orange juice and then pointedly ignore him. But, like most men, I am often weak when it comes to telling other men that their sexism is unacceptable to this one, at least, of their brothers. I've had some successes along the way too. But somehow it's always easier to opt for a quiet life and keep your head down than to confront that sexist joke at work, that casual aside about a woman's appearance.

I'm sure you know the pressures I mean. Ever since adolescence, socializing with other men has meant being drawn into this kind of banter. Yet another part of learning to be 'a regular guy' in this society is learning the codes of conduct that are acceptable between men, knowing the right prejudiced levers to pull. We joke about straight sex to prove we're healthy redblooded males who lust after women. We joke about gay sex to prove we're not homosexual - and so scared are we of being thought so that when we're in a public toilet we stand in lines, eyes straight ahead in case that man in the next urinal might think we have an abiding interest in his lower anatomy.

I'd be surprised if there was a single man reading this who is genuinely free of complicity in this kind of sexism. We have to be brave and leap in there to pull up other men on their sexist witticisms and remarks, no matter how much social discomfort this causes us. Taking responsibility for our own sexism and that of other men is a bottom line - but it has positive spin-offs too. By accepting responsibility for other men we are holding out the hope of another kind of communication and relation with them, beyond the backslapping banter. At the moment our male friendships too often subsist on a ritualized level - we rarely expose in them our deeper feelings and anxieties, saving those instead for one or two selected women. But our male friends should be worth more to us than this.

There may be a long way to go but I think there are still grounds for hope. Men are already experiencing some of the beneficial effects of feminism, whether they realize it or not. They are finding themselves in more equal relationships with strong, independent women. Such relationships may require painful compromise at first but they ultimately provide a mutual understanding undreamed of in the past And men are also beginning to participate more actively in fatherhood, from their presence at birth through to a more intimate involvement with their children later on.

This renovated fatherhood could be very important. The special feeling of intimacy it offers with small, vulnerable people whose needs and emotions are very much on the surface is a unique experience which might well change men almost of itself. It might make them that bit readier to be gentle, that bit more responsive and sensitive to the other people around them. Certainly there are new frustrations involved. But the joys of a more active kind of parenthood which are beginning to ripple through men's lives are joys which few of their fathers and grandfathers ever knew. And that leads me back to where I began, seeing the changes I manage to effect in my masculinity as something I hold in trust from my father and grandfather for my own sons and daughters.

That is the hopeful message about masculinity. This issue presents a pretty grim picture of man's inhumanity to woman from Kenya to Cairo, from New South Wales to Nova Scotia. But it also shows men who are beginning to change. Believe me, there is no more important task before us than to respond to the challenge feminist women have set before us. And no more exciting one either.

1 UN estimate. Development Issue Paper 12, United Nations Development Programme.
2 Estimate based on US and Australian figures. See under 'violence' in the facts spread

From one set of muscles to another, men are slowly changing. Some still force themselves through the pain barrier towards 'manliness'. Others still rejoice in ancient male uniforms and rituals. And the models for small boys are no less violent. But commerce has sensed something in the wind - and the male body beautiful is being sold to people who don't realize these images were originally gay. The marketing of 'the new man' maybe superficial. And it may leave men, like women, chasing after an impossible ideal of themselves - now we're supposed to cradle babies to muscly frames, to be both tough and tender. But it can't be a bad thing for men to be pictured as sensitive creatures. And straining for an ideal of sensitivity is a sight more constructive than imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Single Saved & Having Sex

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Great Item for discussion, here are my thoughts

Hmm, I might get put on blast for this one, but I don't buy it. I spent most of my life "saved," and it just wasn't worth it. I was unsatisfied, miserable, and confused. Don't get me wrong, I see how someone who spent most of her life running the streets acting a fool can try and back it up, but there is no sense in going to the other extreme b/c you feel guilty about your past.

I was born and raised in a christian household and am one of the few people who really tried to follow all the church doctrines to the hilt. When most people were being "adolescents" and living crazy I was praying and being 'christ-like." While my college roommate had more than her share of gentlemen callers, I remained true to my convictions.

However as I matured in my walk with God I learned, that there is a happy medium and I have found it. I have moved past the evangelical, fanatical phase and found a peaceful place where I have a positive relationship with myself, god, and the rest of the world.

As a single woman who respects her temple, I know that God wants us to be sexual, but safe too. Who we chose to connect with should be done with great discernment and reflection. In the meantime, self-gratification is a safe way to release sexual tension without bonding with those not meant for us. In addition, we need to work on positive ways to get our intimate needs met, such as loving touch (non-sexual) and real frienships b/c you can't wait around for a "relationship." People "back-slide" b/c the outdated rituals and rule books of most churches and religions do not address the very human need to be loved, feel desired, and feel connected with other humans.

Sorry, eventhough Ty Adams is in my home town, I can't get with what I read here.