Simplicity

Wow, I totally get it. It's not hard. By that I mean love & relationships. I made it hard by listening to all the lovely advice from friends and well-meaning but misinformed people. It is simple, be clear about what you want and when you are not getting it, communicate and then choose! So I met this guy, and he is pretty cool. Like anyone he had his stuff, but at the end of the day he's great. The exception would be how he is with me! By that I mean, I know how I want to be treated in a relationship and for this guy it just didn't work. I tried my best to make it work and be patient and hope that we could work it out b/c there is SOOOOO MUCH POTENTIAL! What I see now is that no amount of waiting and hoping will bring about anything. You have to communicate what you want and then if you don't get it, either choose to go without it or call it one! It took me 5 months, but last night it was clear that we don't work right now. So it's done and it's all good.

The possibility I have created is that of easy lovability! I know that's not a real word, but I am making it one. I am going to make it really easy to love me and whoever chooses to do it will be receive a reward that will make him very happy. GAME ON!!

Only Broken-hearted, Life's Not Over

Lol, so here I am again. Silly me, I thought we were "getting to know each other'" for the purpose of seeing if we wanted to do the relationship thing. It seems that I made a choice, friendship or romance. I have to be honest, I wasn't aware the two were mutually exclusive.

He asked me "what are we doing' I said "getting to know each other and becoming friends" he took that to mean I wasn't interested romance...or so he says. I don't think he's a liar persay, but something about this whole situation just isn't sitting right with me. I am inclined to agree with my BFF, it's a cop out. I think he's scared, but I really don't understand why.

I can't seem to get a straight answer about why he doesn't want to date me. He just keeps saying he thought I just wanted to be friends. I'm like well now that you know that's not the case, what is the problem? He's like so "are you asking me out" and I am wondering what does that mean? We were already "out" at a restaurant eating dinner, and I asked him to meet him there. He starts going on about how there is this distinction of "dating" and that we weren't doing that. I want to know what the difference is exactly. For me it all starts from the same place.

I really thought I was okay with how things turned out and was okay with being friends until someone else comes along and/or he figures out that I'm the real deal, but I got an email from a long-time friend with pictures of his recent nuptials in Mexico and I have to admit it made me sad. Then I am working at this non-profit that services pregnant women and mothers and it is all hitting me that I may never have a family or husband and I just don't like it.

It's not so much that I need it, but I feel like I haven't been allowed really choose not to have it. I understand that if marriage was my top priority I would have done more to make sure I snagged a fellow, but I guess I never really believed that it was really all that complicated. I really thought I just needed to be a good person and that it would happen naturally. But after this latest "Kania you are wonderful, but..." situation I am really getting pissed off.

I am sure it will pass, but right now today I am angry, frustrated, and confused. It's not the first time, but I hope it's the last. I am renewing my commitment to understanding how to navigate the waters of romantic relations. I was even willing to take the time to stroke the male ego and let him "save" me from time to time to make him feel good, but it seems there is even more to it than that!

Now I have to look internally and see why I keep being attracted to these guys who are ultimately unavailable. I thought it (my attraction) was based on personality and common interest and goals, but there is also this underlying issue of fear and insecurity they seem to wrestle with, or they have some sort of disease, or they are still dealing with their last break up.

On the other hand, there are a plethora of really boring guys just clamoring for my attention. No, not "nice" guys but really boring people who it is torturuous for me to spend time with and/or try to hold a conversation with. I'll ask what they are up to or what's new in their life and they have nothing to say except "same old, same old." Their idea of a fun evening seems to consist of sitting at my house or theirs and watching DVDs! Now there is nothing wrong with a night in with your honey, but not on the 1st, 2nd or even 3rd date! Call me crazy but I'm not going to spend time alone with a strange man watching movies. However, have them tell it, I'm being paranoid and difficult.

Then the interesting ones I meet only seem to want to date crazy women! I don't think I am boring, but I am certainly not psycho. I don't get angry and scream and shout. I am not jealous and prone to have fits of rage. I do have great conversation, opinions and lots of cool things going on in my life to share. I have hobbies, interests, and like to go out and try new things. My best friend's husband tells me I am a "hard catch" I was like I am trying my best to be caught, but I keep getting thrown back in the ocean! He thinks guys don't know how to deal with me b/c most women are on stupid shit and about playing games and I'm not.

I know I don't do this whole playing hard to get thing well. It's like either I like you or I don't. If I like you I make myself available, if I don't I don't. I don't have to pretend to be busy b/c I often am! Sometimes I have to work on Fri/Sat nights or have plans with my friends so I can't go out with my guy. Yes I need you to let me know in advance if you want to hang with me, not b/c I am playing by "the rules" but b/c my schedule gets packed.

I know it's just one more guy to put in the "didn't work out category," but I was really hoping to be done this time. Like I said, I'm only broken-hearted, life's not over

Rules for Dating A. Diva

1. Be on time and if you can't, call and let A.Diva know you will be late, can't make it, need to get a raincheck etc. Not showing up or showing up more than 10 minutes late is a deal breaker.
2. In the beginning always ask A. Diva out 2-3 days in advance. A. Diva has shit to do and most likely is not going to be available at the last minute. If you wait till that last minute you will most likely never spend time with A. Diva. Not because A. Diva is not interested, not because she is playing by "the rule," but that she knows better than to drop important things in her life for someone she barely knows and since she doesn't like to sit around bored, she usually has activities scheduled in advance.
3. Be a gentleman. If you are unclear about what that means you probably should not try to date A. Diva. A. Diva is not in the business of teaching men how to be grown. If your mama and daddy did not teach you, please take the time to research it on your own and then you may be ready to date A. Diva
   
4. Be creative and make plans. A. Diva appreciates a man who can show her new things and expand her world. If A. Diva always has to plan everything she will find you boring and look for someone more interesting to spend her time with.
5. Be open to new things. A. Diva likes to keep things fresh and exciting. The thought of doing the same thing everyday is not acceptable. A. Diva will suggest all sorts of activities and adventures to get into, you should be open to a lot if not all of them
   
6. Know how or being willing to learn to dance. A. Diva's all time favorite past-time is dancing and A. Diva loves to partner dance. If you do not already know how to dance with a partner, you should learn and/or be willing to take lessons with A. Diva. If you are not willing, do not try to date A. Diva, she will go out without you and you will be upset when she dances with other men. A. Diva will not stop going out dancing just because she is dating you so it is best that you like to go out too.
   

Sex Object

For the most part, I have always dated with a single purpose, "the possibility of a long-term relationship (LTR) with another person." Not necessarily marriage, but with the intention to create a friendship that last for more than a couple of week or months. The exception to this would be a brief fling after my last long relationship drought.

Fast forward to the present. After about another 2-yr relationship break, I have feel the need for companionship which could or could not include sexual relations. While optimally, I would love to meet someone with true Long-Term potential, I have decided to also be open to a little summer fling. Just a quick dalliance to fulfill this longing for closeness to another human being as I continue to ready myself for Mr. Fantastic! With this in mind I decided I would be willing to overlook some known deal-breakers in exchange for a brief affair.

With my priorities shifted, instead of looking for someone with similar long-term goals, and intellectual/spiritual compatibility, I decided to find a cutie-pie whose personality is not too bad to hang-out with and kick it with for a while (read: until those known deal-breakers start to grate on my nerves so much I need him to go away forever!). I felt okay with this b/c from what I have seen most men are not really interested in relationships and would appreciate my new perspective. Then, I had a convo with my sister about a mutual acquaintance who is without a car right now so he is dating women for the sole purpose of using their cars to get around. That got me to thinking about dating for motives other than love, friendship and companionship such as: sex, money, financial security, free meals, status, etc.. I really felt it was unethical for him to raise these women's expectations up knowing full well that if had his own car he would never even go out with them at all.

So this morning as I showered and contemplated calling one of my "fling potentials" it hit me that perhaps I was being unethical too! If I am reasonably sure that the guy I am going to hang out with will never become more than a funny story to share after I move on, is it wrong to start anything in the first place. I try to live by the golden rule of "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," and I wouldn't want anyone to agree to see me under that premise.

So I ask the question" When dating, do we need to be upfront about what our intentions are?"

Success

eye Affirmations for Success:

I desire the highest and best in life, and I now draw to myself the highest and best. The right use of my mind is the key to healthy, happy, prosperous, successful living.

I experience peace, health, and plenty in my world. I develop the power of prosperous thinking and reap a harvest of prosperous results.

Everything I touch turns to gold.

It's Official - The Rules are In!

I will accept that no matter how much I want it to be different there are real dating rules that I am going to have to follow in order to get these men to straighten up and fly right.

It seems men really want to be manipulated and seduced into treating a women like a human being. Please note I am asking for what I see as the basics of consideration, but apparently when you are romantically interested in someone common courtesy goes out the window in place of a complex set of rules and guidelines.

It seems that as the woman, I am not allowed to call the man if I want to talk to him. Doing so will turn him off b/c he now does not have to chase me. It doesn't matter that what I want is someone to talk to, I cannot call him. Then when he does finally call me, I have to be sure to end the conversation quickly. It does not matter that I may like to talk longer, I have to adhere to the time limit so that he is left "wanting more."

Apparently men are not attracted to smart, funny, easy going, fun, beautiful, charming, poised, confident , independent women. Instead they are attracted to women whom seem too busy to spend time with them and/or talk with them for long periods of time. Men have to feel like they are overcoming an obstacle and it must always remain this way or he will take you for granted and be and ass.

So despite the fact that I man want a confident, trusted advisor, companion, and lover, the only real role he can play is that of a lover b/c the others would require us to spend lots of time together talking which would result in him feeling smothered and not being challenged. So the fact that I need to feel emotionally and psychologically close to someone before I have sex is not a factor, b/c the things that I need to happen to build that trust and familiarity will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship b/c I will no longer be a mystery or challenge. The fact that we can talk for hours and have fun doing things together and building a future don't seem to count for much.

With all this in mind, I am back to feeling like there is no real point in dating b/c I can't seem to get what I want.

Passion, Freedom, & Full Self-Expression

These are the three principals by which I have decided to live my life. With that in mind, I have taken a leap of faith and am excited, scared, enthusiastic, and exuberant about! I have been all around the world trying to figure out where my life is heading. I have prayed, meditatied, reasoned, and therapied myself to death to get clarity about my path, purpose, and potential.

I will be working on the transformation of my community and living my dreams. How is that different than before. In some ways not at all, but in others, tremendously. I worked with Junior Achievemen for the past few months and learned a ridiculous amount about what it takes to run a successful and effective not for profit organization.

Moreover, they have provided the missing link in an intiative I have wanted to launch since 2006. Come July 18th I will be working full-time on the behalf of youth in the Chicagoland area with plans to affect the entire nation!

The Transformed Teens program (www.transformedteens.com) is ground-breaking and inspirational. I will be soliciting the support of each and every individual I know to take part in the transformation of our youth into positive powerful achievers. Words cannot adequately expression the joy with which I take on this massive endeavour. I know it will be hard. I know that teens are "special" but I also know that I love each and every one of them b/c the represent unlimited possibility that just needs to be coached and nurtured into existence.

We will be a well-funded organization with a staff of responsible dedicated people working as a community for our youth.

I am finally moving into my own place! As much as I have enjoyed my roommate, full of surprises and and all around great guy, I miss my stuff and feeling truly "at home." It's been quite awhile since I've had that feeling even before I moved I felt I was in a very temporary situation. I think since about 2003 actually. It also happens to be the last time I was in a real relationship, think there is any correlation?

I guess we'll see b/c I plan to enjoy the rest of this summer raising money, making connections, and yes I plan to have a summer romance. It may just be a fling, but sometimes that is just what you need to get the ball rolling again!

Friends First then Lovers?

I am being confronted in my social life. I decided I would do this dating thing and be open to finding love and I truly believe I have been giving it a go, but none of this makes any sense to me. Sometimes I think I may be too logical, but it is who I am and I really don't want to change it.

When I meet a guy I may or may not been immediately attracted to him physically. It is just rare that I meet the "perfect" man strictly from a physical standpoint and even in the rare case that someone who is like my ultimate fantasy shows up, I'm still not going to have relations immediately. I find random sex to be nasty. Sorry, it's just how I see it. I can't imagine getting intimate with a complete stranger.

So when I meet a fellow who I think has the potential to be something more than just an acquaintance or even a friend,meaning, I like his style, his personality seems cool, yes he is attractive, and dammit yes his body of off the hook! I want to know if everything I think about him is true. I want to see if we can be friends before I move into a physical relationship with him. I don't think this is strange, but I am getting major resistance from grown men who claim to be ready to have "real" relationships and not just hook ups/jump offs/ etc..

So why does my behavior seem to be so strange to them? Call me crazy, but I think it is obvious that sex complicates things. It can overshadow the opportunity to create a real friendship b/c rather than spending time creating a true relationship, you often spend a lot of time having sex. Sex is good, I like it, it's lots of fun, but I know at that it takes more than a physical connection to create a relationship.

I would like to where my other grown ups weigh in on this topic. When you are looking for a serious relationship, do you hold off on physical intimacy or does it matter? If you do wait, how long does it take before you do the do? Do you need to be friends first if you want to be more than just lovers?

Being Happy

I wrapping up my latest read, A New Earth: Awakening Your Life's Purpose by Ekhart Tolle (AKA the Oprah Book) and it has me thinking. This is a good thing. I like things that make me think, and get me wondering about how I am approaching this thing we call life. While the book is not thick, it is quite dense and it is taking me a while to get through it all. On the one hand it's simple, but at the same time quite complicated.

It talks about happiness as a simple choice, but it just doesn't seem that easy to me. Today the last thing that had me stop to contemplate was this passage.

"Nonresistance, non-judgement, and non-attachment are the three aspects of true freedom and enlightened living." pg. 225

I get it theoretically, but what I am struggling with is how you can passionate about something yet be unattached? I just finished a personal development workshop where we focused on the concept of commitment vs. attachment and I am still struggling to find that balance.

I guess my question is this, if true happiness is being at peace and the key to peace is non-resistance, non-judgment, and non-attachment and its very difficult to live by these three tenets, does that mean it is difficult to be happy?

No Call, No Show

Here's the scenario: We have plans to go out. We set them 2 days ago. We talk at noon and plan to meet @ 3p, he never shows. 2 weeks, no call, no communication. I ask the question "Why?" He says, "Something came up and he knew I would be upset, plus he wasn't sure if I was feeling him." I say, "It doesn't matter, if you couldn't make it you should have called, and if something came up, when things settled down you should have called to apologize and explain." He apologizes and asks for a second chance.

I think no way, some people say make him pay, others say walk away, what do you think? I've been told I'm too hard on men, but I really think that a "no call no show" is a deal-breaker. I get that life happens and things can come up that may prevent you from canceling plans beforehand, but to not show up and then not call afterwards to say "I apologize for wasting your time, here is what happened, and how can I make it up to you," shows untrustworthiness, inconsideration, disrespect, or cowardice, all of which are major character flaws that are unacceptable in a partner. The men I ask all say I should give him another chance, and the women say, please, he's a sucker, walk away now b/c he just showed you what he's all about.

I wanna know what some other's think. If we all know that a "no call, no show" is one of the worst infractions you can commit at a job (it can even get you fired if you don't have a good enough explanation), why should it be different in our interpersonal relationships? Am I really wrong to think that if he'd do this this early on in the "getting to know you" phase of a potential relationship, that it is more than likely to happen in the future once things have gotten "comfortable"? What would be the logic in giving him another chance? Please understand that the upset-ness is not so much around the "no show," but around the "no call." I truly think that giving him another chance is saying, "It's okay to waste my time and treat me with no regard."

Gentlemen, honestly, what would you think of the woman who would still go out with you after you stood her up? Doesn't that reek of desperation? Doesn't it seem like she'll go for anything? Wouldn't you be tempted to see what else you could get away with? Maybe I'm off base. I really don't think so, but I am open to seeing this scenario from a perspective.

Talk to me!

Fog

1/14/08

The sadness just sort of slips in. Slowly stealthily like a fog. I just look up and it's upon me and I don't know how to shake it. I just want to wrap up and stay there until it goes away, but I have things to do and people I am accountable to, so I put one foot in front of the other and keep trudging along.

What set it off was the realization that I have to cut some people loose and make some really tough decisions. It hit me at once and I just am not excited about it. The talk, the conversations, the reality of it all hit me as I walked in and has settled on me like wet blanket.

It's always the same and I want something different. I want enthusiasm and harmony. I want clarity and synergy. I want us all to work together towards one goal. It seems like what I want doesn't matter, and I don't like it one bit.

2/13/08

But what's the point in complaining? I get tired of hearing my own shit, so why would I expect someone else to listen? Today I have the pre-valentines blues. It came on me all of a sudden just like last month, and no it has nothing to do with my cycle thank you very much!

Today was an excellent day. I hadn't been nor have I been lamenting my single status. Most of the time it's just whatever, but two things happened. After a long day of doing a job I am loving, and taking care of some business, I decided to go out to dinner rather than cook. As I sat in the restaurant, it hit me, I am alone. I don't have anyone I want to call to eat dinner with me. Now don't misunderstand, I have options, but choose not to exercise them. I don't want a warm body, I want passion and romance. I want to feel something other than gratefulness that I am not dining alone.

Then I got in the car to head home and turned on the radio ( I never usually listen to the radio) but this lady was on crying about how much she loved her boyfriend and how he didn't trust her. The DJ was allowing her to dedicate a song. They played Sade "By My Side." I swear I was transported back to the concert that I went to with one of the most fantastic guys I have ever dated. I remember how excited I was when he told me he had tickets. It was one of our first dates! India Arie opened and the show was excellent. I called him when I got in (we're still in touch) and it was nice to hear his voice.

I shared with him my memory and he clowned me b/c I recently chastised him for the same thing. We know our time has passed, but as we both sit in the present, unsatisfied with what is, we sometimes reflect on what was ,and think about what could have been. He told me before I moved away that the song "Rocket Love" by Stevie Wonder makes him think of me. When I checked out the lyrics I was shocked. Our break-up wasn't dramatic, but I hate to hear I made someone feel that way. I was young and didn't know how to express my feelings. Then I thought of another fellow who views me in that same light. I would not change anything about how things went down with the guy from tonight's conversation, but with the other I would do almost anything to go back and fix things. He was my last true Valentine and I love and miss him.

While our time has passed too, as I sit here lonely dreading tomorrow, I wonder if I have missed my chance at a deep passionate enduring love. How many chances do you get? I have grown sooo much from those days of fear and uncertainty, but now it seems next to impossible to find someone who ignites any type of excitement in my heart. Was it the fact that we were young? I feel like I still have it in me, but everyone I meet seems so "dead." I am yearning for a kindred spirit who is ready to go out and take on the world without holding back. A man with a vision and the drive to go for it. A man of action, taking steps right now to create the life he wants. A man who will cherish, adore, respect, and appreciate me. Where are they?

Working 9 to 5

Haven't done this in a minute. There's been a lot going on. Since my last post, I've gotten a job, started the job, and considered quitting the job! A lot in a little over a month right? I was offered a position December 11, 2007 with a non-profit in Chicago. I get to work on behalf of youth and I love it! The job falls perfectly in line with the purpose I have chosen for my life, but the challenge of being back in the workforce is present as well.

I told myself I always had options, but what I found in the past 2 years is that there are things I am simply not willing to do again. Having been down that road, I have no desire to return, so now what? This is my first time since college working for a major corporation. I was having flashbacks of my time as an engineering intern and General Motors and wanted to run screaming from the building. The thought of a life of cubicles, water cooler gossip, and all the bullshit that goes along with a JOB got me scared. Then I remembered why I wanted a job in the first place. I missed being with people. I wanted steady income so I could get move forward on some of my other goals like real estate investing and traveling the world.

Yes I have some very real reasons for going back into the workforce and more specifically for working in the youth-focused non-profit sector. I am learning for my next big thing! So despite the fact that I was livid about having to go to work everyday last week when I felt like hell, and being angry that I spent all day today in bed trying to finish recovering, I am still happy about my new life as an employee. Mostly because I get my first check Tuesday.

Where I am and Where I wanna be

My whole crew is going skiing in Vail this January for MLK weekend. I love to ski and would love to go to Vail, CO. I have never been there before and we have a phat condo thanks to my BFF's mom's law firm. So here's the deal. I am starting a self-development program that same weekend and I can't miss the first day which is Sat Jan 19th! Everyone is like, why don't you just push the workshop back and go skiing? I am torn. I love my peeps! I miss the babies, and a few days kicking it on the slopes would be nice BUT.... Here's the thing. I am in the midst of transition. I just moved here and I'm still looking for a job, so getting a plane ticket would be a feat. Plus this workshop is all about learning advanced communication skills to build a community of people around you so you can realize your dreams!

If I had to admit one thing I don't seem to be great at, it's building a team of people around me so that my dreams come true! I am great at coming up with projects. I can even get people excited and on board, but time and time again the team has fallen apart when things get going. I get that I have a little trouble with communication, thus, why I am committed to this course. I want to have a massive transformation in my life around my relationships. If I push back the workshop, I would have to wait until March sometime. Moreover, if I go to this weekend, I don't know if I will be able to afford another weekend with more social potential. The previous weekend there is a group of young black professionals going skiing. I feel that that event would be more inline with my current life goals of meeting people and being more social than going to Vail with my long-time. In the past when we have gone skiing on non-black ski weekends, once we get off the slopes there is nothing to do, but just hang out in the rooms, and I found it a little boring, I don't want to experience that again. This exact scenario is what prompted me to start my annual ski weekend King of the Mountain back in 2000.

Everyone is like, I can't believe you're going to miss a weekend with the babies, just to do some workshop. Much like my decision to sell my dance studio and move, I feel like I have to do whatever it takes to create a new life for myself that I am happy in. To me the answer is clear, I am not going to Vail in Jan, but I dread the pressure that will be put upon me to change this decision. All I know is that there are some areas of my life where I am dissatisfied and if anything is going to change, I have to be pro-active, so while I love all my peeps, I am going to have to stay and work on myself and I'll make a special trip down to the ATL to spend with them all!

Holiday Blah

I am happy to see my Dad, I am on the fence about my sister, but what I do know is that I miss home. Not Detroit, not the house I grew up in, but that good feeling of love and laughter and togetherness. I'm on the train as I write this heading back from the Chi back to see the family, but that good feeling isn't there.

I know what it is, but that doesn't fix anything, it just means I get it. My life changed fundamental when my mother first got really sick. She was the organizer of the family. She put together the reunions, arranged holiday get togethers and kept all the sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, and grand kids in touch. For the past I guess 15 years since she wasn't able to walk or be independent things have been different.

Not one to get stuck in defeat, my sister and I made an effort to re-kindle the flame of family and love, but for the past two years since I quit my job and focused on my business, its been back to before :-(

I have a surrogate family consisting of my best friend from high school and her family, but this year they are in NC with other family so I am on my own. My relationship with my sister is strained and my other aunts and cousins are in Atlanta. All in all I'm feeling a little blue this Thanksgiving. This year has been one of tremendous changed. I moved to Chicago, my friends moved to Atlanta, I sold my studio/event space, and I am looking for job.

You can't dwell in the past, nor re-create it. I look forward to creating my own holiday traditions with friends and a family of my own, but then that gets me to wondering if that will ever happen. I love the whole domestic thing, cooking, decorating, playing hostess and would love to have a honey to share my life with, but things are looking kinda bleak on that front. Part of reason I am job hunting is that with my work I am surrounded by women all the time and its hard to meet men. I look forward to having more discretionary income to go out, travel, pursue my non-professional interests. I don't want to be restricted to my home and/or free/inexpensive events b/c my cash is low. Nor do I want to be forced to go out with gentlemen I am not interested in, just to get a free meal and get out the house.

I miss my days of financial Independence and the ability to do things I want to do, not just survive. When I look back into my heyday of dating fabulous menfolk I realized it was when I was just out there doing me! So as part of my new life in the Chi, I am excited about what will happen, as I get my money right! This diva is all about the renewed hustle for 2008 b/c this being fiscally challenged thing is for the birds. I'm a superstar dammit and that means money is not a thing!

I'll always remember this Thanksgiving b/c I vow to never ever repeat it. I would rather be going to a spa to relax and renew than feeling like a homeless vagrant.

Light-skinned Girl party, WTF??!!

I am so shamed that this mess went down in Detroit, but even so I still have to call 'em out! I NEVER EVER would have thought a black person would do some mess like this!

Amid furor, DJ cancels party for 'light-skinned' blacks

'I made a mistake,' local party promoter says after Internet backlash.

Oralandar Brand-Williams / The Detroit News

DETROIT -- A local DJ and party promoter retreated Thursday from a plan to sponsor a bash that would let "light-skinned" black women into a downtown club for free.

But the "Light Skin Libra Birthday Bash" at Club APT on Woodward Avenue turned out to be a bashing -- of promoter Ulysses "DJ Lish" Barnes after word of the unusual party spread on the Internet.

"I made a mistake," Barnes said. "I didn't think there would be a backlash."

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Barnes, who said he's been a party promoter for six years, canceled the event.

He said he has gotten angry calls and e-mails from around the country about the party.

"I didn't mean to offend anyone," he said. "I had planned a party for other shades (of black women). We were going to take a shade of color each week. Next week was going to be a party for 'Sexy Chocolate' and the week after that 'Sexy Caramel.' "..... read the entire article here>>

My thoughts

I find it hard to believe that this promoter didn't realize that this concept wouldn't fly. However if it is true, it only shows what a critical state much of our community is in. His willingness to green-light this concept shows a true lack of understanding about the legacy of the color complex in this country. I am reminded of Kanye West's comments about the racially mixed women in the music videos:
"If it wasn't for race mixing there'd be no video girls. Me and most of our friends like mutts a lot. Yeah, in the hood they call 'em mutts". If anyone thought this was no longer an issue, welcome to reality.

Moreover, to play the devil's advocate, if for some strange reason, he still wanted to do this, if he had any sense of consciousness, it would seem that common sense would dictate that you not start with the "light-skinned" girls first. This shows an even deeper disregard for the emotional scars that our melanin-rich sisters carry as they are constantly bombarded with images that say they are not beautiful!


I hope that this young man has learned from this situation and that as a community we can see that it is imperative to educate our youth about our history and culture so that we do not show ourselves to be this ignorant and thoughtless in our endeavors.

To be clear I am 100% in disagreement to this party as a concept considering the history of intra-racial prejudice in our community and suggested that he start with dark-skinned women to simply switch up the all to common deference to less-african looking members of our community, and to give an example of how it would have been taking the sensitive nature of this subject into account.

Where do you weigh in on this issue?

What's the Point in Dating? Part 1 & 2

Part 1
I spent this evening in conversation with a gentleman I've been seeing. It's nothing serious, because I've been trying to "Date." I was told the reason I have not had the best of luck with men and relationships is that I have always taken it too seriously. It was explained to me by retired pimpstress T-Mack that it's a numbers game and that the more men you date the higher the odds you'll find someone great!

So as I began my new adventures here in the Chi, I decided to be open. I would try saying "yes," even if there wasn't any "chemistry." I would follow the thought that maybe he's really a great person or has some really cool friends. For most of my life I always felt that when a guy asks you out there is the implicit understanding that he is interested romantically and that my accepting the date you are implying that there is a possibility b/c on some level you are interested too(yes i agree with you J). However, this new strategy says that just b/c you say yes doesn't require you to be interested, you're just becoming friends.

As I am still looking for a job, I'm not trying to spend a whole lot of money. Normally if I go out with friends I pay for myself, so I wasn't comfortable going out with these fellas when I couldn't pay. It just didn't seem right to let them spend their money when I wasn't interested in romance. But, when I explained this to them as the reason I hadn't called or didn't always want to go out, I was told not to worry b/c they just "enjoyed my company." So why do I continue to feel that they want more from me?

It's not surprising as I am quite fabulous, but I can't help that there is nothing there for me. I like what I like and if they are not it, what can I do? I guess this is just to say that I don't understand the point of dating if you're not trying to move towards something more? I don't do casual sex, so if we're not connecting on the spiritual or intellectual planes I can promise we won't be connecting physically! So if there is no chance you getting some tail and you're not interested in something long-term, what is the point in dating? Do some men just really really enjoy the company of women? Should I stop seeing these guys even though they say they are okay with just being friends? My gut says at some point things will get complicated and that I should just take a little break b/c I just don't understand this whole dating thing nowadays.

Part 2

Then on a different tip, what is with this last minute plans thing? Maybe I'm old school, but if you want to spend time with someone doesn't it make since to make plans to see them? I have been dating since moving into town, but have had a number of guys complain or make off-hand remarks about me being "too busy." I'm confused b/c it can't be that they are really surprised that I am not available to drop everything and go-out with them, can they? Please someone tell me, is them how it is nowadays? You call around 5 or 6 to see if she wants to go out around 7 or 8 and actually expect to get a yes? When did it become a bad thing to have a life?

Now to be honest I was making it mean something else. I figured he must not be seriously interested in me if he called at the last minute to make plans. I just put him into the "something to do if bored" category, and made a note not to get too invested b/c he just wasn't that into me (part of my "Its just dating" philosophy). I was informed by a friend that it wasn't necessarily the case, but that nowadays things are just more casual; people don't plan actual dates days in advance, but simply hook up when their schedules happen to allow. While this is new to me, I can accept that, even though I may not like it.

My question is why not? If you have met someone that you say you really want to get to know better, why not set some time apart in your schedule to spend with them? On the other hand why would these guys I literally just met expect me to rearrange my schedule and/or break my plans to spend time with them? Moreover, could they really really be upset and/or offended by the fact that I decline to do so? Are most women so eager to "go out" that they make it their top priority? Am I being strange? Am I being unreasonable? Someone please give me some insight b/c I am truly perplexed! It's not that I don't want to date. It's not that I don't like men. It just that I don't like being an after-though or being taken for granted. I don't think I'm being over-sensitive but maybe I am. I told my roommate I'm going off men for awhile b/c right now dealing with them is not bringing me any joy and right now I only want joy!

Teach me how to love

So many complaints and so many people wanting to find love, why can't we seem to connect? No one really wants to be alone, yet we can't seem to stay together either. An friend of mine recently expressed his desire to find "the one" I had to ask what he meant by that. With aaaaallllll the dynamic single women I know I just don't understand how a man who sincerely wants to be attached would have that much trouble finding his princess. But when I started asking him the same questions I ask my girlfriends who want to be partnered, I think he was truly stumped. Now perhaps he just didn't want to share his innermost desires with me, but my gut says he hadn't really given it a lot of thought.

To his credit, he gave it a good effort and in reality most of my girl's can't answer me either, so I was struck with this realization that while we feel at the deepest level of our being that we need companionship and to be "with" someone, I don't think we really know why or how.

The reasons are varied. We all have read the stats on the number single parent households so we should be able to agree that most people haven't seen long-term male/female relationships modeled. So if you've never seen it in real life, what do you base your expectations on?

I was then listening to that Musiq song "Teach Me" and I got a little further insight that maybe the reason so many men are disappointing me in their treatment of me is that that really truly don't know anything else. I used to be so offended when me would approach me with details of how much money that had or only touched me when they wanted to get a little action. I felt that they were purposely insinuating that my only value of them was their wallet and that the only thing about me that valued was my usefulness for sex.

I considered that maybe I wasn't a good conversationalist. Or maybe I wasn't well-rounded enough to make them want to talk to me about anything other sex or things relationship-related. I couldn't understand why me a person who is well-read, insightful, cultured, and open-minded could not a find a man to have an enjoyable evening with. I was confused about why I couldn't seem to go on a proper date. I wasn't dressing provocatively or speaking un-intelligently, so I couldn't fathom how men were relating to me and/or what they were bringing to the table as a proposed way of being in a relationship.

BUT... if you grew up in a household were men where evaluated on their ability to help you cover the bills/make end meet or were expected to pay for hair, nails, clothes wouldn't you think providing those things were important? If you didn't see Mommy and Daddy being silly and affectionate with each other for no other reason that they were in love why would you know that sometimes all a woman wants is to be kissed, hugged, pinched, winked at, caressed, or swatted with affection that acknowledges that she is beautiful and desirable with no expectation or attempt at sex?

If all you saw was Mama get money or things from men and then perform domestic and/or intimate acts wouldn't you think that's how people interact. If you didn't see them walking down the street holding hands or snuggled up in front of the fireplace drinking hot chocolate sharing the days happenings with each other and their kids, would you think to do it? If your Daddy never made it a practice to bring your mother and his daughters little treats, "just because" would it strike you to show up one day with a little trinket that says "I was thinking of you?" If you heard your mom clowning your dad or her boyfriend for getting her a "cheap" gift for Valentine's or Sweetest Day perhaps you wouldn't think its the thought that counts and be okay with giving her a card, a kiss, and a massage if that was all you could afford and know that she would appreciate the effort and understand that you're doing the best that you can and love you for it.

This goes for women too. I know many many many well-educated women who are stuck in this mode of expecting a man to buy and do for her even though she can do for herself. She never saw her mom work to support her dad while he pursued his dream to make life better for everyone and be okay with having his back for awhile b/c she knows that he will have hers. Maybe she can't be a poor man or an artists b/c she really does equivocate manhood with wealth.

I see it all, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand how to relate to many people with these alternate views of relationships. I don't know how to expect or accept a man giving me money for things that I can take care of myself when he won't event take the time to talk to me. It's not that I don't like gifts (who doesn't?), but what I really want is his time. I want to connect on a mental and spiritual level so that when we connect physically it is explosive! I want to explain that you could take me to McDonald's and we can sit an talk all night rather than go to the most expensive restaurant in town and have nothing to say.

I would take a poor man who will give me his heart over a rich man who will give me the world any day! But how do you get the poor man who thinks he is not worthy of love b/c he has no gifts to give to understand that his greatest gift is his love, respect, adoration, and consideration? How do you teach people to love with a love that is deep and abiding and long-lasting when all they know is of selfish, superficial love based on things that perish, break or can be stolen away?

Church Redefined

I was talking with my friend Rapture regaling him with my escapades here in the Chi. I mentioned that I went to church and he almost choked. Yes its been a loooooooong time since I went to church, and if you've been hanging out with me you know why. So why after almost 6 years have I not only been at church for the past three weeks, but actually looking forward to it?

Simple I found a place that makes sense to me. I heard about Unity a couple of years ago, but I wasn't quite ready to take on anything having to do with Christianity. I thought it was all corrupt and would take me back to that place of conflicted feelings, confusion, guilt, and dread. It took me a long time to get back on good terms with God and I didn't want to chance becoming separated again.

So when my Aunt gave me this book "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson, I had no idea it would lead to this. The book was great, very inspirational, but it didn't lead me to church. It did help me see that there could another way though.

So fast forward about 3 years. I was preparing for this move to Chicago, and full of fear and anxiety. I had negotiated the sale of my dance studio and was preparing to move out of my loft. The thing is ,I didn't have a job lined up in Chicago, or any guarantees that this whole thing would work out at all. I was in the middle of packing up my loft and this particular Sunday morning I woke up at 9am (early for me on a Sunday) with an overwhelming need to go to Renaissance Unity. I didn't know where it was, what time service started, but I was compelled.

I hopped online and found it. I really tried to resist, but I couldn't. I tried to go back to sleep, I couldn't. I finally gave in, got dressed and went on my way. I got there too late for the service, but the welcome I received was heart warming. I received a complimentary CD of the service as well as overview of what Unity is all about.

The core principles of Unity are as follows:

1. There is only one Presence and one Power active as the universe and as my life, God the Good.
2. Our essence is of God; therefore, we are inherently good. This God essence, called the Christ, was fully expressed in Jesus.
3. We are co-creators with God, creating reality through thoughts held in mind.
4. Through prayer and meditation, we align our heart-mind with God. Denials and affirmations are tools we use.
5. Through thoughts, words and actions, we live the Truth we know.

I am still in my evaluation phase, but I will say this. When I walked into the bookstore at Renaissance I was blown away. It looked just like my personal library of personal growth and spiritual enlightenment texts. There books on meditation, yoga, healthy eating, natural healing, and so much more. There was such diversity in the congregation I couldn't believe it. Then as I walked out of the sanctuary, I ran into my Aunt and cousins. To top it off, it was the day of the church picnic and I came in 3rd place in the Hula Hoop contest!

I had such a good feeling when I left there I couldn't believe. I just left a church and felt nothing but love, openness, and positivity. I did a little research into Unity and found it to be interesting and worth more investigation. I promised myself to look into it more when I got to Chicago.

So I did and I have been to Unity in Chicago each Sunday for the last 3-weeks. The people have been welcoming and I look forward to the next time I can go. There are workshops on prosperity, finding your life's purpose, achieving your heart's desire and more! If its been a while since you've been in a place of worship, or you have a desire to be part of a spiritual community that is not about judgment, I urge you to check out a Unity Church in your area. You don't have to leave your current belief system, b/c every path to God is embraced. If your soul is yearning to connect with other spiritual people, or you just want to hear a positive message that is empowering and uplifting I hope you'll take advantage of this opportunity. I am happy that I followed the direction of the Spirit that Sunday and look forward to what is next on my journey to peach and enlightenment!

Living Just Enough for the City

I've been kickin' it in the Chi for about three weeks and officially loving it! Outside of the fact that I have a tastee roommate, I also have an AMAZING view of Lake Michigan. I literally wake up and look out over this beautiful peaceful blue expanse. Add to that fact this fabulous Indian Summer we have this September and I am in heaven.

I made this move to get a change of scenery and start living the life I want and tonight I did just that. I love the theatre, and one of the reasons Chicago drew me is b/c it has a wonderful theatre district. It's often the first stop many shows make after leaving New York! Tonight I went to see The Color Purple and it was breath-taking. I was a bit worried that it may not live up to the hype, but it surpassed my greatest expectations.

This was the final night of its Chicago run and I bought the ticket on impulse. Yes I know I haven't quite found a job, or established my revenue streams here, but there was no way I was letting that show close without checking it out. So I took myself out on a date. Dinner at a wonderful restaurant, 312 Chicago, where I had this fish I never heard of before but found quite flavorful and popped around the corner to check out the show at the Cadillac Palace Theatre. For the final show of a great run!

I was captivated from the moment I sat down! It was wonderful to see so many people of color at the show and even better to see many other people there as well. Ms. Winfrey gets mad props for putting this production on!

I don't know how to describe it, but what I can say is that I could feel this show. The first big number "Mysterious Ways" was soul-stirring. Like being in church and feeling the spirit come over you. Not a get up and do the holy dance spirit, but like you can feel a presence and it feels good! I would say the number "Hell No" performed by Sophia (the character) was hilarious! All the women in the audience were in stitches. Then Shug Avery showed up on the scene (let me say that Michelle Williams (of Destiny's Child) did an excellent job!) and the show was never the same. I will say that this stage production definitely took the relationship between Celie and Shug a step further than the movie, but more inline with the book.

Everyone knows the story, and if you don't, read the book and rent the move before going to see this production, but seeing it performed live is still full of surprises. I was on my feet by the time the final number was performed and hooted and hollered my appreciation for a fabulous performance during the curtain call. Even though we had very lively audience member who felt the need to shout out and clap and odd moments, I found my this theatrical event to be thoroughly enjoyable and can't wait to see my next production!

When The Color Purple comes to your town, make sure you take the time to see it. This production is on its way to San Fransisco, so if you're looking for a great reason to visit out west, this could be it! We have to support shows like this so we can see more quality theatre that tells stories pertinant to African Americans!

It's not supposed to be this way :-(

That's what I keep telling myself at least. I swear I didn't sign up for this, but somehow here I am. On the one hand I am tickled pink about having made this move and feel excited and anticipatory about what lies ahead. But, on the other hand, I am just tired and wish things were already different. Starting over again is no picnic! This is not where I planned to be at this point in my life, but when you're hard-headed I guess you have to take what you get.

This move was put in my head two years ago, and there was no real reason for me to stay in Detroit and start my business. When I left that retarded job, I had money in the bank, good credit and the spirit to show the world what I could. Now I feel like to some extend I "lost" and had to leave Detroit defeated in hopes that the battle will be more easily won here. The thing is, I don't want to fight. I have never found the fun in having to push push push to make it happen. I love doing everything I have done, but could really do without all the struggle that has accompanied it. I don't mind hard work, long hours, thinking planning, and figuring it out. But all the fighting, trying to explain, justify, or attempt to enlighten has drained me.

I went to church this morning (yes I said church) and the message was "Changing Our Thinking About Positive Thinking." I have to explain that this was a unity church and part of this whole "New Thought" Movement; it's less about worshiping Jesus and more about learning how to live more like him and realize our full potential on earth. Anyway, this is my attempt to apply that message to my life. Yes it's important to be positive and speak in the affirmative in order to manifest the reality you want, but at the same time you have to acknowledge and accept your current state of being.

If you're scared, own it. If you're tired, claim it. If you're sad, mad, irritated, broken-hearted, whatever, take a moment to be there and then work on moving past it. Simply saying, no I'm happy does not make it so. Now this isn't license to wallow in self pity or sit around moping, but it is about figuring out why you're feeling down and then getting some insight into how to get up!

I thought moving would change it all, but I see that there are a host of other things I have to confront. Yes my encounter at the crazy house and with my various partners taught me a lot about the ills of our community and challenges to progress, but I also allowed them to shake my confidence. I have affirmed and believed and positive-thought my way all the way to Chicago, but now that I am here, I am like "Shit, I am terrified and very unsure." I didn't want to admit it b/c there are people in my life who will say "See I told you Chicago isn't a magical place that will make everything better. You should have just kept your ass in Detroit, and got a job." They don't mean any harm, but they truly can't see to understand that while, it may not all be better here, a lot of it is. Yeah it sucks to have to go back to "faking it," but its certainly better than not wanting to do anything at all.

Yes I miss my friends, (but most of them have already escaped Detroit) and it was quite bittersweet to hand over the keys to my studio that I worked hard to open and tried even harder to grow. I will admit that down-sizing from my own spacious loft to one room of a friends apt is a bit jarring. I will even go as far as to say I am mad as hell each time I look at my bank account and compare it to the amount of work I have put in. BUT even with all that, I do not want to return to Detroit. The whole environment reeks of decay, stagnation, and ignorance.

This is me accepting my current state. A little sad, a little lonely, a lot scared, and very tired. I sat in a discussion with a group of women, and one man and the topic strayed to the desire for security. Most of the ladies expressed agreement that it would be nice to have someone to pay all the bills. To not have to work, or worry about is there enough money. I joked about not being hip to the "have a baby by a wealthy or soon to be wealth man" game when I was younger and had the opportunity to snag a few. The truth is that while I do look forward to the day of true wealth, when I am making lots of money without having to work so hard for it, I don't want to get it by being a baby mama, or a kept woman. What I really want is fulfillment. I want job I love, I want my business to thrive, I want a loving relationship. I want to be in a relationship that makes me feel safe enough to want to have children and be confident that I won't end up raising them alone. It may seem like a tall order, but I deserve it.

So at church there was a posting for a job opening for an event coordinator at the church. It's funny b/c its almost exactly what I was doing at the crazy house. Its a full-time position, and what better environment for me to work in? So while at this exact moment I feel a little sad and upset over my financial situation, I already feel a little better having gotten it off my chest, if only via the written word! The next step is to tighten up the resume and cover letter and apply for the job! It's full-time and I would love to have something steady coming in as I get my bearing together here.

I feel like I am all over the place, but my mind is so charged up, I just need to get it empty and since my roommate is holed-up in his room doing who knows what, this forum will have to do. Besides I'm still working on this whole, being able to share my feelings of doubt, fear, sadness, and loneliness with people in the real world thing.

This started off as "it's not supposed to be this way," but maybe things are exactly as they should be, and I just need to accept it.