Where I am and Where I wanna be

My whole crew is going skiing in Vail this January for MLK weekend. I love to ski and would love to go to Vail, CO. I have never been there before and we have a phat condo thanks to my BFF's mom's law firm. So here's the deal. I am starting a self-development program that same weekend and I can't miss the first day which is Sat Jan 19th! Everyone is like, why don't you just push the workshop back and go skiing? I am torn. I love my peeps! I miss the babies, and a few days kicking it on the slopes would be nice BUT.... Here's the thing. I am in the midst of transition. I just moved here and I'm still looking for a job, so getting a plane ticket would be a feat. Plus this workshop is all about learning advanced communication skills to build a community of people around you so you can realize your dreams!

If I had to admit one thing I don't seem to be great at, it's building a team of people around me so that my dreams come true! I am great at coming up with projects. I can even get people excited and on board, but time and time again the team has fallen apart when things get going. I get that I have a little trouble with communication, thus, why I am committed to this course. I want to have a massive transformation in my life around my relationships. If I push back the workshop, I would have to wait until March sometime. Moreover, if I go to this weekend, I don't know if I will be able to afford another weekend with more social potential. The previous weekend there is a group of young black professionals going skiing. I feel that that event would be more inline with my current life goals of meeting people and being more social than going to Vail with my long-time. In the past when we have gone skiing on non-black ski weekends, once we get off the slopes there is nothing to do, but just hang out in the rooms, and I found it a little boring, I don't want to experience that again. This exact scenario is what prompted me to start my annual ski weekend King of the Mountain back in 2000.

Everyone is like, I can't believe you're going to miss a weekend with the babies, just to do some workshop. Much like my decision to sell my dance studio and move, I feel like I have to do whatever it takes to create a new life for myself that I am happy in. To me the answer is clear, I am not going to Vail in Jan, but I dread the pressure that will be put upon me to change this decision. All I know is that there are some areas of my life where I am dissatisfied and if anything is going to change, I have to be pro-active, so while I love all my peeps, I am going to have to stay and work on myself and I'll make a special trip down to the ATL to spend with them all!

29, 30, .....

I'm entering the 4th quarter of my 30th year and of course 2006 is coming to a rapid end. Like most I tend to do my share of reflection assessment and introspection. I have a friend who just hit 29 and as I read his blog and observe his being I am reminded of me at 29. LOL i now it sounds a bit pretentious as that was just a year ago, but I distinctly remember how I felt March of 2005 knowing that in 1 year I would hit another big milestone.

It wasn't dreadful.;I wasn't hating seeing my 20's come to an end; it was inspirational. I had become increasingly dissatisfied with my job. I wasn't seeing things happen and it seemed like no matter how hard I pushed things just weren't moving. So by the time my birthday rolled around I knew somethings had to change.

I took a little trip to visit a friend (much like the one a I took a couple of weeks ago, well not really as there was no "extra" stuff going on) but as usual for me a change in scenery really helps me find focus. I knew that there would be major changes and that some of the people I was aligned with would have to go unless they made some changes. I felt like that by March 16, 2006 things had to be REALLY REALLY different.

Well I did it. By May of '05 I'd quit my job, split from my partners, and moved into a new place. Essentially, I turned my life upside down, but it felt GREAT! As the big 30 loomed ever closer I was moved to kick things into higher gear and take on any and every project that could move me forward. My July my newest and current project was revealed to me and I took it on with great fervor.

When my birthday hit, I threw myself a great celebration. FLIRTY 30 was fabulous and I was great having friends family and associates gathered to wish me well. Things were really really different. I was self-employed, and living my dream (or was it a nightmare? still trying to figure it out). Things weren't perfect, but as I had to remind myself and others who have asked when are they? They weren't perfect when I had a "job" they weren't perfect when I worked for myself. Or maybe that's the way its supposed to be.

This year has been tumultuous and full of excitement. I have impressed myself, but I still find myself driven to do more. There are things I have hesitated on and areas where fear has stopped me, but still I persevere and I vow that by 31, I will have conquered a few more demons (maybe I'll actually trying dating again).

I am staying focused and will push through the pain, revel in the joy, and be content with the in between. I just told a friend not to let anyone talk you out of anything you really want to do. The last thing you want to do is have regrets. As of today I can honestly say I have had adventure, romance, heartbreak, and euphoria, and despair, but this has been and will continue to be a life worth living!

Relax Relate Release

Just got back from a little R&R. I needed some new energy and a different space to help clear my head. I've been on the grind for a while now (almost 10 years to be exact) and it got real hard to keep going. I know its not supposed to be easy, but I was to the the top. Scratch that I was over the top and starting to drown it was soo deep.

At the urging of my champions I treated myself to a little retreat and it was good. Did it all go how I wanted it to go? No, but it was as it should be b/c the universe doesn't make mistakes. Sometimes you have to take a step back to see what's really going on and figure out what's next.

This morning as I packed up to head home, I was of mixed emotions. There was a shitload of stuff waiting for me to do and none of the issues had resolved themselves. I still have to figure a lot of stuff out, but as my wonderfull host quoted,"There are two rules of life. 1)Don't sweat the small stuff and 2) It's all small stuff." When I really look at my current situation, I realize its not so bad. So where am I now? Literally, I'm at home in my pj's typing on my laptop :-), but overall, facing the reality of some tough decisions. The difference is that instead of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless I have some clear insights into what I need to make happen.

1. I have to get some money flowing: I am not meant to be without cash. I don't need a lot of money, but this is foolishness right here. I am too talented and too fabulous to be this fiscally challenged. Plus this worry about finances and feeling deprived is effecting my ability to move forward. I am feeling resentful b/c I can't do what I want or even some of the most basic things. I have pushed this whole sacrifice thing a little too far.
   
   
2. I need to push past my fear of commitment and do it: No this is not about a man. I've been putting off buying property for over a year b/c the thought of a 30 year mortgage scares me. I have opportunity staring me in the face, but my ass is scared to commit to anything. This has to do with relationships too, but that's a whole other post.
   
   
3. Pull out ALL THE STOPS: I have a lot of resources available to me that I haven't tapped and if I am going to blow this up I have to empty my bag of tricks. What's the point of holding back? I don't want to have any excuses so I am going to put it all out there. Whatever happens, I'll live to see another day.
   
   
4. BALANCE BALANCE BALANCE: I have to commit to being a balanced person. I tend to live in extremes and its not working for me anymore. I vow to be well-rounded and live a full life no matter what!
   

So its on and poppin'. I am going to go all out to be a complete person and blow on up like I need to.