Cracked Up
I had the Ipod going as I drove home from the festival and Al Green's "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" came on. No big deal, but when I went to sleep my mind betrayed me :-(
I felt the lyrics to the song deeply. I mean I was in tears, just thinking "How am I going to do this? How can I start again? Will I be able to do it?" No, no one has actually broken my heart romantically (I would have to actually date someone in for that to happen), but over the past few years it has taken quite a beating in many other areas. I have given so much myself for the past 7 years and as I break up with Detroit I realize my heart is truly hurt. I feel like have been dating a selfish, ignorant, immoral, hateful man and been used and abused and am trying to love again.
I am both angry and grateful, if that makes any sense, because while it hasn't been fun, I have grown tremendously. At the same time my ego has taken a beating. I went through a period of severe depression and self-doubt. I though that my lack of "success" was due to my incompetency or lack of talent, skill, etc. I see how someone can be in an abusive relationship and stay there b/c you can't believe its happening. You think it must be you and that if you could only be different than everything would be better.
It also has to do with the fact that I am so determined to be in control of my life. I think that if work hard enough I can change any situation. I still think that's true, BUT you also have to follow the direction of the universe. I can't say I am done with Detroit forever, b/c I know there is work to be done here, but I was directed over 2 years ago to leave this city and build my empire elsewhere. I know that sometimes you have to leave home b/f you can change it. I was being stubborn and wanted to do it MY WAY! So here's what you MY WAY got me. Broken hearted and on the road to recovery.
As much as I hate to say it, my breaking point didn't come from within. It took an outsiders off-hand comment about this city to help me really see that this problem was bigger than me. I finally got that I didn't deserve to be tired, frustrated, angry, sad, and BROKE. My situtation has nothing to do with my level of dedication, skill, preparedness, or insight. It's just that the culture here is not ready for me and what I do.
So I'm on my way to a more progressive city. Chicago my new love. What I have to do is make sure I give this relationship my whole self and not let what happened in the D scar me. I have to be bold, brash, focused, and optimistic. I can't take no for an answer or belive that its too hard or too impossible. I have to be willing to try anything and stick with it until there is nothing left.
Oh if it were only that simple. But it is. As I finish my laundry and prepare to go pick up the moving truck tomorrow I vow to give it me all and not let any of the negative experiences I had here stop me from at least trying there. I only ask that anyone who calls themselves my friend feel free to give me soft kick in the pants if I ever get stuck in the past. I say soft b/c if you kick too hard, I'm liable to turn around and slap you!
