How to catch a man

I swear if I hear another story about a seemingly intelligent, educated, well-spoken black man becoming a reluctant Baby Daddy to some hoochie I am going to hurt someone. It seems though this is the only way to catch one of them though. I would like to hear more about loving relationships turing into marriages and planned families, but instead all I get is, OOPS.

From what I can tell the way to catch a man is to just get pregnant and hound him into a relationship based on guilt or some sense of responsibility. Or you can pretty much count on being alone and/or childless.

I know some many educated, sweet, attractive, women who would love to be married, take care of their husband & children and build a great life together, but can't find anyone to do that with. I bet though if they stopped demanding guys use protection, stopped trying to build a trusting mutual beneficial relationship, and got knocked up, they would snag a dude.

Sounds pretty Machiavellian right, but I just realized that, that's the game everyone else is playing. We've been trying to be nice and play by the rules and we're losing, big time. Here's the thing, you also open yourself up to disease and tons of other bull shit, but no system is perfect right?


Yeah, I can't even put this out here seriously, but I really am frustrated. It just doesn't seem to pay to be ambitious, self-respecting, and responsible.

Because sometimes I forget

Hmm, this didn't happen to me, but damn if it hasn't jolted my crazy behind back into reality. A friend of mine just lost someone close to him and while my heart went out to him, her, and her family it wasn't until last night that it really hit me.

My mother died January 20, 1995. I was a sophmore in college when my bestfriend/roommate answered the call from my sister at home. Then much like now, it took me a moment to process things and deal with it. I'm pretty good in a crisis for this reason, but when it hits me, it hits hard. My mother had struggled for years with Multiple Sclerosis, and while her death wasn't unexpected, it didn't hurt any less. Although many people would find it hard to believe b/c I am told I come off as a real tough cookie, I am extremely sensitive. I have to work hard to protect my feelings b/c otherwise I spend my life being hurt, sad and distraught. With that said just hear about losing someone close brings up memories and emotions.

As for me, when I was driving home from my Dad's house last night I got into car accident. It wasn't bad, I'm fine (although the Jeep has looked better), but only by the grace of god. I have been feeling uninspired and eventhough my recent retreat helped put a little pep in my step, things were still a bit off. While I intellectually understood my friend's loss, I distanced myself emotionally b/c I didn't want to go into an "I miss my Mother, why did she have to die?" cycle of sadness. The thing is, its not about that. Its about life and the lessons I got from her before she died and those I continue to get now. So I'm thinking the universe decided to send me a little stronger message, and literally knock some sense into me :-).

So this morning after moving past my anger of getting into the accident I decided to look for the lesson. What I got is that you just never know what is going to happen so don't take anything for granted. That accident really could have been a lot worse, so that little encounter just reminded me that we don't know how long we have so don't waste a lot of time on bullshit. You have the choice to make each day and your life something special or just let time pass you by.

That got me thinking about TJ's Bravebird so I took a moment to read some of the posts from this young lady and found out she had a little girl. Then that just made me cry b/c it reminded me of all the lonliness I feel without my Mom being here and made me sad for her little one. Then as I read her sister's farewell post, my heart was encouraged b/c I know she (the little sister) won't let that little cutie want for anything, so she'll be alright. I didn't know this woman, but it seems like she was one of those people who attracted postivity and served to inspire others. My mom was like that and sometimes I think these special souls are destined to to burn bright and move on b/c they have other work to do.

Then back to me and my life. For the most part, I have been living big. Since my mom's death I have vowed to do it big and have no regrets. That sentiment is at odds with most of the world and while I started out with a bang in the past 6 years since being back in Detroit, I have felt my fire beginning to dim. On my recent trip, someone asked isn't it depressing here when I described the city and to be honest I have to say, yes. Now of course one has the choice of whether or not to let their environment dictate their state of mind, but why make it an issue? I have enough battles to fight without trying to negate the affects of a negative city. I have done many things and I have stories for days about adventures and cool things that I did, but I don't want to live in the past. My life isn't over! I came back here in 1999 with specific goals. I said I would stick it out through 2006 to make some things happen, and as we bring the year to a close I know its time to move on. It's been on my heart for a couple of years now, but I let fear and stubborness keep me here. So 2007 is all about making moves both in my life and in my living environment. This will be a year of endings and of course when one thing ends another begins!

I want to say thank you to Miss Rainbow for inspiring me without ever having met me, thank you to the universe for my wakeup call, and thank you to my mother from bringing me into this world and preparing me to take it on. I have blessings overflowing and I am truly grateful for my friends (old and new) and family who continually love and support me.

I know my purpose in life and I promise to stay focused on being a "Passionate, intelligent, woman who will positively affect the state of her community while living a full balanced life that she loves!"

--> K

Relax Relate Release

Just got back from a little R&R. I needed some new energy and a different space to help clear my head. I've been on the grind for a while now (almost 10 years to be exact) and it got real hard to keep going. I know its not supposed to be easy, but I was to the the top. Scratch that I was over the top and starting to drown it was soo deep.

At the urging of my champions I treated myself to a little retreat and it was good. Did it all go how I wanted it to go? No, but it was as it should be b/c the universe doesn't make mistakes. Sometimes you have to take a step back to see what's really going on and figure out what's next.

This morning as I packed up to head home, I was of mixed emotions. There was a shitload of stuff waiting for me to do and none of the issues had resolved themselves. I still have to figure a lot of stuff out, but as my wonderfull host quoted,"There are two rules of life. 1)Don't sweat the small stuff and 2) It's all small stuff." When I really look at my current situation, I realize its not so bad. So where am I now? Literally, I'm at home in my pj's typing on my laptop :-), but overall, facing the reality of some tough decisions. The difference is that instead of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless I have some clear insights into what I need to make happen.

1. I have to get some money flowing: I am not meant to be without cash. I don't need a lot of money, but this is foolishness right here. I am too talented and too fabulous to be this fiscally challenged. Plus this worry about finances and feeling deprived is effecting my ability to move forward. I am feeling resentful b/c I can't do what I want or even some of the most basic things. I have pushed this whole sacrifice thing a little too far.
   
   
2. I need to push past my fear of commitment and do it: No this is not about a man. I've been putting off buying property for over a year b/c the thought of a 30 year mortgage scares me. I have opportunity staring me in the face, but my ass is scared to commit to anything. This has to do with relationships too, but that's a whole other post.
   
   
3. Pull out ALL THE STOPS: I have a lot of resources available to me that I haven't tapped and if I am going to blow this up I have to empty my bag of tricks. What's the point of holding back? I don't want to have any excuses so I am going to put it all out there. Whatever happens, I'll live to see another day.
   
   
4. BALANCE BALANCE BALANCE: I have to commit to being a balanced person. I tend to live in extremes and its not working for me anymore. I vow to be well-rounded and live a full life no matter what!
   

So its on and poppin'. I am going to go all out to be a complete person and blow on up like I need to.