Cracked Up

I had the Ipod going as I drove home from the festival and Al Green's "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" came on. No big deal, but when I went to sleep my mind betrayed me :-(
I felt the lyrics to the song deeply. I mean I was in tears, just thinking "How am I going to do this? How can I start again? Will I be able to do it?" No, no one has actually broken my heart romantically (I would have to actually date someone in for that to happen), but over the past few years it has taken quite a beating in many other areas. I have given so much myself for the past 7 years and as I break up with Detroit I realize my heart is truly hurt. I feel like have been dating a selfish, ignorant, immoral, hateful man and been used and abused and am trying to love again.

I am both angry and grateful, if that makes any sense, because while it hasn't been fun, I have grown tremendously. At the same time my ego has taken a beating. I went through a period of severe depression and self-doubt. I though that my lack of "success" was due to my incompetency or lack of talent, skill, etc. I see how someone can be in an abusive relationship and stay there b/c you can't believe its happening. You think it must be you and that if you could only be different than everything would be better.

It also has to do with the fact that I am so determined to be in control of my life. I think that if work hard enough I can change any situation. I still think that's true, BUT you also have to follow the direction of the universe. I can't say I am done with Detroit forever, b/c I know there is work to be done here, but I was directed over 2 years ago to leave this city and build my empire elsewhere. I know that sometimes you have to leave home b/f you can change it. I was being stubborn and wanted to do it MY WAY! So here's what you MY WAY got me. Broken hearted and on the road to recovery.

As much as I hate to say it, my breaking point didn't come from within. It took an outsiders off-hand comment about this city to help me really see that this problem was bigger than me. I finally got that I didn't deserve to be tired, frustrated, angry, sad, and BROKE. My situtation has nothing to do with my level of dedication, skill, preparedness, or insight. It's just that the culture here is not ready for me and what I do.

So I'm on my way to a more progressive city. Chicago my new love. What I have to do is make sure I give this relationship my whole self and not let what happened in the D scar me. I have to be bold, brash, focused, and optimistic. I can't take no for an answer or belive that its too hard or too impossible. I have to be willing to try anything and stick with it until there is nothing left.

Oh if it were only that simple. But it is. As I finish my laundry and prepare to go pick up the moving truck tomorrow I vow to give it me all and not let any of the negative experiences I had here stop me from at least trying there. I only ask that anyone who calls themselves my friend feel free to give me soft kick in the pants if I ever get stuck in the past. I say soft b/c if you kick too hard, I'm liable to turn around and slap you!

Chippendales Failed :-(

Okay, but really. I was all excited (well maybe not excited, but eagerly anticipating, but I guess that's the definition of excited right? whatever) about going to see the men of Chippendale's at Casino Windsor for Valentine's Day. Now I didn't have a Valentine's so I thought this would be fun.

For the record I am not a big fan of male dancers/strippers. Yes I know I teach Exotic Dance, but in my limited experience there is just not enough sensuality or showmanship to make me really get into it. I did think however that b/c Chippendales is world renown that I was going to be in for a real treat.

WRONG!!

I will give them this, they looked good. Damn Good! I mean there were abs, pec, and biceps for days. But first of all there were no chocolate honey's. I am an equal opportunity woman, but I do have special love for the brothas and there was not a one on the team.

Secondly, this must have been the B or maybe even C squad b/c the dancing was a little shady. It was choppy, lacked flow and there was almost no sychronicity (is that even a word?).

Then, the music was WACK!! Everything was this superfast techno bull shit with little to know bass. If you are trying to get women hot, you don't just start out at turbo speed and stay there. An Exotic Dance should be like sex. You need to start out slow and sensual and then build up to the climax. Jeez you can't just start out banging (well I guess a lot of men do and that's why there are soooo many unhappy women).

Finally, the MC was a little to vulgar. Maybe its the midwest girl in me, but he just was not hyping me up.

I needed to see more ass, more sensual dancing, and hear some better music. I didn't have to be R&B, I like a lot of Pop & Rock, but all techno? Come on.

Chippendale's didn't deliver totallly on my Valentine's wish, but it didn't cost me anything and I did see some good-looking men, something we are sorely lacking in the "D". Then of course I had a great meal, Casino food ROCKS!!

Life's Not Fair, What R U Gonna Due?

I hate to say it, but life sucks sometimes, checkout Afroerotik's post

Hmm I really feel you and as a matter of fact just had a similar conversation with friends earlier today. I'll be honest with you, positivity, integrity, and good works do not payoff quickly. You would think they do, but the world we live in is screwed up. You have choices you can make to get a quick result. There are people to sleep with, morals to compromise, and ways you can sell out to get there faster. The secret to success is MARKETING. Tell them what they want to hear. If you don't know what that is, find someone who does. I have a history of putting together a superior product and ending up with squat when my competitor produces crap and sells out. MARKETING MARKETING MARKETING. Its not fair and no one said it would be. Life makes no promises to us that things will work out well so don't expect it. Instead, think about this whatever is meant to be will be. You can only continue to stay focused and have faith.

Regarding relationships, keep in mind that those people in "relationships" are not neccessarily happy. Most people settle in life. You have decided to go for the gusto and try to live BIG, most people aren't on that same path. So by becoming a well developed individual you have make your pool of suitors very small. The upside is that when u find him/her/ whoever you will be pleased, but the downside is that it is hard to find them. Its a numbers game. It sucks and I feel your pain, but what are you going to do about it?

It may sound mean, but you just have to suck it up and keep on going. Think about making some small compromises until you have the power to do things exactly the way you want.