I would challenge you to find anyone to question whether or not I am an independent woman. I have no desire to "live off" of anyone or be "needy," but it wasn't until very recently that I found out that many people have equated my feminist tendencies with anti-family and were surprised to find out my value system could be considered "traditional." As with almost everything I do, I have to add my own twist, but maybe my lack of vocalizing it has stood in my way.
I had to do a reality check in the past couple of years. People have always asked me about my views on marriage and children and the thought of both used to strike terror in my heart. I could really identify with those men who have a "fear of commitment" and think they will lose their freedom if they get married or "settle down." I could never understand many of my female friends desire to be a "wife."
To be honest marriage and motherhood just didn't seem like fun. When I would look around @ people's lives, they didn't seem happy, so I began to equate marriage and kids with misery. For women in particular it seemed oppressive, stressful, and pretty much a raw deal. All I could see were haggard & weary women trying to work, take care of home, and not having anytime for themselves. They were their sacrifices like a badge of honor. "Look at what I go through for the sake of my family." They seem to revel in their martyrdom. I have never gotten of on self-inflected agony so thanks but no thanks.
I have been called selfish b/c I am 30 almost 31 without any children. It saddens me when b/c no one asks if I am happily married, or in a long-term relationship. It seems like the new expectation is that at some point I'll just "get pregnant" and be a baby's mama and maybe if I am "lucky" find a man to marry me. I think its nuts. I have made it a point "NOT" to become a single parent. That road is to rough to travel voluntarily, and to me unless you make it a point not to engage in unsafe behavior you essentially are just asking for it. No I just plan to create the best possible circumstance for me to become a parent. This involves sufficient support be it financial (once I become a multi-millionare) or find the right person to build something with, and no I will not compromise.
Here's my little secret though. Yes I am an independent woman, but part of that is the ability to choose my life. All of it. I would looooove to have a family. However, I didn't want to be the traditional working mom, most of my friends grew up with. I want to be available to my children, and that means I have to call the shots. I work on my terms. It seems like many women just traded a controlling husband for a controlling boss. Instead of having to ask their husbands for money and working like a slave at home, they go out and slave for some company to get a little change in their pocket. Is one better than the other? Honestly, I think as a nation working mothers have hurt the fabric of families b/c the children have suffered. No its not the women's faults b/c no one should be forced to stay home and have no power over their lives. As my mother told me, you always need to have your "own." My solution was to become an entrepreneur. As the head of my company I set the policy; thumbs up to on-site childcare and flexible schedules.
What's crazy is when I found out that most people I know thought that b/c I was so focused on building my business, I wasn't interested in a family. They assume I don't know how to cook or want to be "domestic." Because I articulate that I want a maid, and chef that I wouldn't be a good wife. People honestly decided that I must not want children b/c I don't have any by now.
Hey if being a wife ALWAYS has to mean that you cook, clean and generally serve as the family slave they would be right. I want no parts of it. So I ran away from the concepts of marriage, wife, husband b/c I did not like the roles/responsibilities that came with them.
Now I'm not so militant about it. I know that as long and I am clear about who I am and how I will be in a relationship, I don't have to trip out on labels so much. The thing is, most people are still caught up in what they think a marriage, wife, or husband "should" be, but they aren't my concern. Now instead of vehemently declaring "I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED!" I just ask people what it means to them. It always starts a great conversation and sets the stage for change.
I will always be an independent woman, strike that, independent PERSON. Its important to keep things in balance. No one, man or woman should be a slave. You should always have the option to walk away from a situation that is unfavorable to you be it work or romance. When someone has complete control of your existence, you leave yourself open to possible exploitation. Always have an exit strategy. Usually if everyone knows its there, you never have to use it. If more employers felt that their staff could "peace out" at anytime, they would treat them better. Just like they emphasize good customer service b/c consumers have choices about what business to patronize, employers would have better employee policies b/c people could choose whether or not they want to work or not. Yeah this is radical thought, but just think how much better the world would be if we could choose our lives, not just live them.
If you treat me right, I'll be there for you. I'll go to the mat for you. I'll make all your dreams come true, but if you take me for granted and act a fool, you will look up and I'll be in the wind.
Believe it.
For the record
