Simplicity

Wow, I totally get it. It's not hard. By that I mean love & relationships. I made it hard by listening to all the lovely advice from friends and well-meaning but misinformed people. It is simple, be clear about what you want and when you are not getting it, communicate and then choose! So I met this guy, and he is pretty cool. Like anyone he had his stuff, but at the end of the day he's great. The exception would be how he is with me! By that I mean, I know how I want to be treated in a relationship and for this guy it just didn't work. I tried my best to make it work and be patient and hope that we could work it out b/c there is SOOOOO MUCH POTENTIAL! What I see now is that no amount of waiting and hoping will bring about anything. You have to communicate what you want and then if you don't get it, either choose to go without it or call it one! It took me 5 months, but last night it was clear that we don't work right now. So it's done and it's all good.

The possibility I have created is that of easy lovability! I know that's not a real word, but I am making it one. I am going to make it really easy to love me and whoever chooses to do it will be receive a reward that will make him very happy. GAME ON!!

It's Official - The Rules are In!

I will accept that no matter how much I want it to be different there are real dating rules that I am going to have to follow in order to get these men to straighten up and fly right.

It seems men really want to be manipulated and seduced into treating a women like a human being. Please note I am asking for what I see as the basics of consideration, but apparently when you are romantically interested in someone common courtesy goes out the window in place of a complex set of rules and guidelines.

It seems that as the woman, I am not allowed to call the man if I want to talk to him. Doing so will turn him off b/c he now does not have to chase me. It doesn't matter that what I want is someone to talk to, I cannot call him. Then when he does finally call me, I have to be sure to end the conversation quickly. It does not matter that I may like to talk longer, I have to adhere to the time limit so that he is left "wanting more."

Apparently men are not attracted to smart, funny, easy going, fun, beautiful, charming, poised, confident , independent women. Instead they are attracted to women whom seem too busy to spend time with them and/or talk with them for long periods of time. Men have to feel like they are overcoming an obstacle and it must always remain this way or he will take you for granted and be and ass.

So despite the fact that I man want a confident, trusted advisor, companion, and lover, the only real role he can play is that of a lover b/c the others would require us to spend lots of time together talking which would result in him feeling smothered and not being challenged. So the fact that I need to feel emotionally and psychologically close to someone before I have sex is not a factor, b/c the things that I need to happen to build that trust and familiarity will ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship b/c I will no longer be a mystery or challenge. The fact that we can talk for hours and have fun doing things together and building a future don't seem to count for much.

With all this in mind, I am back to feeling like there is no real point in dating b/c I can't seem to get what I want.

Teach me how to love

So many complaints and so many people wanting to find love, why can't we seem to connect? No one really wants to be alone, yet we can't seem to stay together either. An friend of mine recently expressed his desire to find "the one" I had to ask what he meant by that. With aaaaallllll the dynamic single women I know I just don't understand how a man who sincerely wants to be attached would have that much trouble finding his princess. But when I started asking him the same questions I ask my girlfriends who want to be partnered, I think he was truly stumped. Now perhaps he just didn't want to share his innermost desires with me, but my gut says he hadn't really given it a lot of thought.

To his credit, he gave it a good effort and in reality most of my girl's can't answer me either, so I was struck with this realization that while we feel at the deepest level of our being that we need companionship and to be "with" someone, I don't think we really know why or how.

The reasons are varied. We all have read the stats on the number single parent households so we should be able to agree that most people haven't seen long-term male/female relationships modeled. So if you've never seen it in real life, what do you base your expectations on?

I was then listening to that Musiq song "Teach Me" and I got a little further insight that maybe the reason so many men are disappointing me in their treatment of me is that that really truly don't know anything else. I used to be so offended when me would approach me with details of how much money that had or only touched me when they wanted to get a little action. I felt that they were purposely insinuating that my only value of them was their wallet and that the only thing about me that valued was my usefulness for sex.

I considered that maybe I wasn't a good conversationalist. Or maybe I wasn't well-rounded enough to make them want to talk to me about anything other sex or things relationship-related. I couldn't understand why me a person who is well-read, insightful, cultured, and open-minded could not a find a man to have an enjoyable evening with. I was confused about why I couldn't seem to go on a proper date. I wasn't dressing provocatively or speaking un-intelligently, so I couldn't fathom how men were relating to me and/or what they were bringing to the table as a proposed way of being in a relationship.

BUT... if you grew up in a household were men where evaluated on their ability to help you cover the bills/make end meet or were expected to pay for hair, nails, clothes wouldn't you think providing those things were important? If you didn't see Mommy and Daddy being silly and affectionate with each other for no other reason that they were in love why would you know that sometimes all a woman wants is to be kissed, hugged, pinched, winked at, caressed, or swatted with affection that acknowledges that she is beautiful and desirable with no expectation or attempt at sex?

If all you saw was Mama get money or things from men and then perform domestic and/or intimate acts wouldn't you think that's how people interact. If you didn't see them walking down the street holding hands or snuggled up in front of the fireplace drinking hot chocolate sharing the days happenings with each other and their kids, would you think to do it? If your Daddy never made it a practice to bring your mother and his daughters little treats, "just because" would it strike you to show up one day with a little trinket that says "I was thinking of you?" If you heard your mom clowning your dad or her boyfriend for getting her a "cheap" gift for Valentine's or Sweetest Day perhaps you wouldn't think its the thought that counts and be okay with giving her a card, a kiss, and a massage if that was all you could afford and know that she would appreciate the effort and understand that you're doing the best that you can and love you for it.

This goes for women too. I know many many many well-educated women who are stuck in this mode of expecting a man to buy and do for her even though she can do for herself. She never saw her mom work to support her dad while he pursued his dream to make life better for everyone and be okay with having his back for awhile b/c she knows that he will have hers. Maybe she can't be a poor man or an artists b/c she really does equivocate manhood with wealth.

I see it all, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand how to relate to many people with these alternate views of relationships. I don't know how to expect or accept a man giving me money for things that I can take care of myself when he won't event take the time to talk to me. It's not that I don't like gifts (who doesn't?), but what I really want is his time. I want to connect on a mental and spiritual level so that when we connect physically it is explosive! I want to explain that you could take me to McDonald's and we can sit an talk all night rather than go to the most expensive restaurant in town and have nothing to say.

I would take a poor man who will give me his heart over a rich man who will give me the world any day! But how do you get the poor man who thinks he is not worthy of love b/c he has no gifts to give to understand that his greatest gift is his love, respect, adoration, and consideration? How do you teach people to love with a love that is deep and abiding and long-lasting when all they know is of selfish, superficial love based on things that perish, break or can be stolen away?

Cracked Up

I had the Ipod going as I drove home from the festival and Al Green's "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" came on. No big deal, but when I went to sleep my mind betrayed me :-(
I felt the lyrics to the song deeply. I mean I was in tears, just thinking "How am I going to do this? How can I start again? Will I be able to do it?" No, no one has actually broken my heart romantically (I would have to actually date someone in for that to happen), but over the past few years it has taken quite a beating in many other areas. I have given so much myself for the past 7 years and as I break up with Detroit I realize my heart is truly hurt. I feel like have been dating a selfish, ignorant, immoral, hateful man and been used and abused and am trying to love again.

I am both angry and grateful, if that makes any sense, because while it hasn't been fun, I have grown tremendously. At the same time my ego has taken a beating. I went through a period of severe depression and self-doubt. I though that my lack of "success" was due to my incompetency or lack of talent, skill, etc. I see how someone can be in an abusive relationship and stay there b/c you can't believe its happening. You think it must be you and that if you could only be different than everything would be better.

It also has to do with the fact that I am so determined to be in control of my life. I think that if work hard enough I can change any situation. I still think that's true, BUT you also have to follow the direction of the universe. I can't say I am done with Detroit forever, b/c I know there is work to be done here, but I was directed over 2 years ago to leave this city and build my empire elsewhere. I know that sometimes you have to leave home b/f you can change it. I was being stubborn and wanted to do it MY WAY! So here's what you MY WAY got me. Broken hearted and on the road to recovery.

As much as I hate to say it, my breaking point didn't come from within. It took an outsiders off-hand comment about this city to help me really see that this problem was bigger than me. I finally got that I didn't deserve to be tired, frustrated, angry, sad, and BROKE. My situtation has nothing to do with my level of dedication, skill, preparedness, or insight. It's just that the culture here is not ready for me and what I do.

So I'm on my way to a more progressive city. Chicago my new love. What I have to do is make sure I give this relationship my whole self and not let what happened in the D scar me. I have to be bold, brash, focused, and optimistic. I can't take no for an answer or belive that its too hard or too impossible. I have to be willing to try anything and stick with it until there is nothing left.

Oh if it were only that simple. But it is. As I finish my laundry and prepare to go pick up the moving truck tomorrow I vow to give it me all and not let any of the negative experiences I had here stop me from at least trying there. I only ask that anyone who calls themselves my friend feel free to give me soft kick in the pants if I ever get stuck in the past. I say soft b/c if you kick too hard, I'm liable to turn around and slap you!

POOF!

I met someone and while things seemed to be going well in an instant he was gone! Its strange b/c it felt good, but then again perhaps my spidey sense was a little off b/c its been awhile since I really connected with anyone. A few great evenings together, long talks about shared interests, and romantic strolls along the riverfront peppered with kisses, hugs, and talks of enjoying the moment, had me starting to feel little giddy and thinking that maybe all was not lost.

It must be noted that this gentleman has a lot on his plate emotionally which is why I tredded lightlly in this engagement and explains why while I am dissapointed, I am not devastated by this strange situation. I would characterize my feeling as that of puzzlement. I really would like to understand why men seem to run from a throughly pleasant experience and then come back months, years later lamenting their decision to leave me for "something else" and expect me to take them back with open arms?

Benefitting from a healthy dose of self-love and a couple years of therapy I get that its not me, at least not in a negative way, but that knowledge doesn't take away the frustration and sadness that there may be no alternative to the occasional FB, lots of platonic friends, and electronic stimulation. So what's A Diva to do?

I know a few things about men. Not a whole lot, but a few things I am 100% convinced of.
a) you cannot make anyone love/like you
b) if a man wants to be with you and is ready, all you have to do is let him know that you are open, and he will come running
c) while it is easy to get into a man's pants, it takes a lot to get into his heart and mind
d) a good looking woman never has to want for male company

So what does this knowledge do to help me in my quest against continual singledom? Not a lot b/c while I can always convice someone to take me out, I cannot make him open his heart if he has decided not to. Moreover, I can't make him stay when he gets scared b/c he's starting to fall for me, and thinks that being open and vulnerable is unacceptable b/c in the past he has only dealt with damaged women.

So when he returns like they all do at some point to tell me that there has never been another like me. Or that they now realize that I am "the one." I simply give them a sweet smile and say thank you, but cannot bring myself to open my heart again to one who threw it away to carelessly when I offered it to him. I don't think that make me bitter b/c I am open to new suitors, just not recycling old ones.

So the current Mr. POOF has officially moved on to the catergory of "another wounded soul" who can't handle me. If he happens to read this, yes I am talking about you luv. I'm not hurt so much as learning from the past that if you are running this soon, you need to work a little more on you before you try to hang with me b/c I don't play games and am not interested in playing hide and seek with you!

marriage

I don't want to compete with you
I just want to build with you
I don't want to stand behind you
Can't I just walk next to you?

We're reflections of each other see
I look @ you I just see me
Together we can change the world
but you must make me your only girl

I'll treat you like the king you are
bring you the sun moon & the stars
I want your strength, respect, and love
As is below, the same above

When this are hard you lean on me
I got your back, just trust in me
Give me your heart you will find joy
I'll give you a girl and a boy

A love like this inspires life
I need you to make me your wife
We'll make a home that's safe and warm
and find comfort in each other's arms

when life is tough to you I come
with your love i'll overcome
what challenges may come to me
you make me feel divine and free

we'll laugh, love, play and live life
true meaning of husband and wife
i love you to the end of time
i and praise the day you became mine

Sigh... A change is coming

Have you ever had your worst nightmare come true? Nonetheless I'm going to keep this positive so its about what will happen vs. what is right now.

I have faith that the man I find attractive, stimulating, and fun, who desires me for more than my womb, vagina, cooking and cleaning skills, physique, and "prettiness" is on his way in the next 3 months. This man who loves my ambition, drive, intelligence, community focus, wit, insight, and sense of adventure will enter my life and we will spend the rest of our lives living, laughing, growing and developing together. We will have a family of both birth and adopted children b/c he will understand that whether or not a child carries his genes, its important that black people of means provide loving homes for the many orphaned black children.

We will travel the world, visit amazing places, have great adventures, spend many nights snuggled on the couch watching random TV, and look forward to seeing one another when we are apart. We will go out dancing, dining, and date until we die b/c we enjoy so many of the same things that we always have fun together.

We will transform the world around us with our joy and passion. He is there and I will feel cherished, adored, respected, appreciated, considered, and complete with him. He will not feel the need to compete with me b/c he will understand that what is meant for him is in no way related to what is meant for me. We will support one another in pursuit of our dreams. I will be able to treat him royally and be his every fantasy as he is mine.

This dream relationship, is coming and every one will be amazed at how much love I have in my life and know that it is always worth waiting for b/c when you get what is meant for you it is soo sweet that any heartache, loneliness, and despair you ever felt will be erased.

Howling in the theatre

I took a little trip to the movies tonight and saw "Daddy's Little Girls." I strongly suggest every single professional black woman go see this and be prepared to laugh until you cry. I swear it was hilarious on so many levels. Now I don't want to spoil it for anyone (so stop reading if you haven't seen it), but I felt like someone was sitting in on my many many many conversations with my girls and decided to write a movie.

My favorite comment had to be when the G Union character "Julia" was on the phone with her girls lamenting the randomness of men. She was like "If I see another man over the age of 30 in a throwback jersey, i'm going to scream." I swear my girls and I have had many a conversation about this very topic.

Then the famous date scene with the cat in the shiny blue suit with the wack game, had me rolling as well. I swear I have been on that date. You are just like "NO this can't be happening to me. No one can be this ridiculous!"

For real though, I don't think I'm as uptight as this character (but who knows how others see me) but (okay side bar, is this movie "Black Snake Moan" with Christina Ricci and Samuel Jackson for real? WHATEVER) but I truly identified with her. I don't know if I could have gotten past the three kids, Baby Mama Drama, and other "surprises" to see the good man there, but I will say to all my 6-figure earning, ultra-educated, yet single and no prospect having amigas, KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

The movie is funny, laugh out loud in the theatre, stomp your feet, and have tears rolling down your face funny, especially if you don't mind laughing at yourself a little bit.

(Okay and why is this "College Hill" mess on BET so random? Maybe I'm getting old, but I can't take the Real World anymore.)

Sheesh its V-Day

So it is weird that for once I am not sad about not having a Valentine? Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind one, but there is no funky feeling of being left out b/c no one is bringing me flowers, jewelry, chocolate, or a video game (the one gift I always wanted, but never got). I think my work could a have a bit of a bad influence on me as it relates to relationships.

I have all these fabulous women coming to my classes wanting to learn Exotic Dance, but I am really surprised by some of the reasons. When I first started this, I marketed it as empowering and transformative. I got some reaction, but it always seemed to come back to "I need to make my man happy" or some variant thereof. They don't care about the health benefits. They don't care about loving their bodies and really enjoying being sensual. Its all about trying to catch or keep a man.

On the other hand there are constant complaints about how they are not happy in the relationship. He doesn't do this, he doesn't do that. I need to get away from him & the kids, yet at the same time you're doing this for him?

I don't get it. Many people find it hard to believe that I don't dance for any man/men. I get asked by men & women alike, what's the point, if there is no one to appreciate it? Its funny b/c dancing has always been about ME!!

I love the feeling of freedom and exhilaration I feel when I'm really feeling the music. I love Exotic Dance b/c it just releases such positive energy in me that I spontaneous break out into movement when a fabulous song comes on. I often dance by myself in the middle of the floor with no one else around, just so I have a lot of space to express myself. To be really honest I don't really like a dance partner, unless we're partner dancing. I'm all about the Ballroom, Step, & Bop, but when I'm free styling unless I'm really feeling you, FALL BACK, please b/c you're messing up my groove.

So this valentine's I'm heading to see the Chippendale Male Revenue. They are performing in Canada and my sister suggested we check it out. I have only seen male dancers a couple of times and I have yet to be impressed or aroused, but seeing as they are world renown, perhaps these guys will do it.

But back to the original topic. It really seems like having a valentine, just isn't what it used to be. Half of my ladies say their honey (husband, boyfriend, whatever) hasn't even planned anything special. I don't want to say that romance is dead, but come on fellas. Can a girl get one day?

Some people wonder why I'm still holding out for knock you off your feet, deep soulful connection, intellectually & spiritually compatible love, but I can't see its worth settling for anything else right now.

If I'm still single at 35, 40 or beyond perhaps I'll consider it, but the way I look at it, if you settle now, you'll never have a chance for true happiness. (Unless of course you get a boyfriend on the side!).

Long-live Valentine's day, but I really celebrate true love!

Every Girl Needs a Daddy!

AfroerotiK: Who's Your Daddy?


As I get older and wiser I see how much of a blessing it was to have a Daddy. A real Daddy, a shonuff take you sledding, to the thanksgiving parade, teach you to change a tire/oil/brake pads, always bring you a gift on Valentines/Sweetest/Birthday, pick you up from Nursery School, even a a grown-ass woman always have your back, Daddy. I used to think everyone got it, and I finally understand that the sad fact is that the majority of Black folks didn't have it. This does explain why its so hard for me to find a man to treat me like a queen b/c most of them never saw their Dad treat their Mom that way. I get how these guys just walk away from their kids, b/c their Father's dipped on them. I see why soooo many of my sistahs let me treat them like crap, b/c they have never been the apple of their Daddy's eye and don't know to expect/demand more.

On the flip side, I guess I'm spoiled b/c I can't settle for anything less. No I don't need a man to buy me expensive stuff and "take care" of me financially, but he does have to dote on me, take me dancing, remember the "special" days and generally worship the ground I walk on. The really good thing for him is that I am willing and really want to do the same if not more in return.

My Daddy was so fabulous that when my Mom got sick w/ MS and b/c an invalid he stuck by her side and cared for her until we were forced to put her in a nursing home. To this day he gets tears in his eyes thinking about his true love.

I need man to love me that way and treat my children with the kind of love I have received. I can't have it any other way, but damn if I'm not have a tough time finding the man who will step up.