Where I am and Where I wanna be

My whole crew is going skiing in Vail this January for MLK weekend. I love to ski and would love to go to Vail, CO. I have never been there before and we have a phat condo thanks to my BFF's mom's law firm. So here's the deal. I am starting a self-development program that same weekend and I can't miss the first day which is Sat Jan 19th! Everyone is like, why don't you just push the workshop back and go skiing? I am torn. I love my peeps! I miss the babies, and a few days kicking it on the slopes would be nice BUT.... Here's the thing. I am in the midst of transition. I just moved here and I'm still looking for a job, so getting a plane ticket would be a feat. Plus this workshop is all about learning advanced communication skills to build a community of people around you so you can realize your dreams!

If I had to admit one thing I don't seem to be great at, it's building a team of people around me so that my dreams come true! I am great at coming up with projects. I can even get people excited and on board, but time and time again the team has fallen apart when things get going. I get that I have a little trouble with communication, thus, why I am committed to this course. I want to have a massive transformation in my life around my relationships. If I push back the workshop, I would have to wait until March sometime. Moreover, if I go to this weekend, I don't know if I will be able to afford another weekend with more social potential. The previous weekend there is a group of young black professionals going skiing. I feel that that event would be more inline with my current life goals of meeting people and being more social than going to Vail with my long-time. In the past when we have gone skiing on non-black ski weekends, once we get off the slopes there is nothing to do, but just hang out in the rooms, and I found it a little boring, I don't want to experience that again. This exact scenario is what prompted me to start my annual ski weekend King of the Mountain back in 2000.

Everyone is like, I can't believe you're going to miss a weekend with the babies, just to do some workshop. Much like my decision to sell my dance studio and move, I feel like I have to do whatever it takes to create a new life for myself that I am happy in. To me the answer is clear, I am not going to Vail in Jan, but I dread the pressure that will be put upon me to change this decision. All I know is that there are some areas of my life where I am dissatisfied and if anything is going to change, I have to be pro-active, so while I love all my peeps, I am going to have to stay and work on myself and I'll make a special trip down to the ATL to spend with them all!

Holiday Blah

I am happy to see my Dad, I am on the fence about my sister, but what I do know is that I miss home. Not Detroit, not the house I grew up in, but that good feeling of love and laughter and togetherness. I'm on the train as I write this heading back from the Chi back to see the family, but that good feeling isn't there.

I know what it is, but that doesn't fix anything, it just means I get it. My life changed fundamental when my mother first got really sick. She was the organizer of the family. She put together the reunions, arranged holiday get togethers and kept all the sisters, brothers, cousins, nieces, nephews, and grand kids in touch. For the past I guess 15 years since she wasn't able to walk or be independent things have been different.

Not one to get stuck in defeat, my sister and I made an effort to re-kindle the flame of family and love, but for the past two years since I quit my job and focused on my business, its been back to before :-(

I have a surrogate family consisting of my best friend from high school and her family, but this year they are in NC with other family so I am on my own. My relationship with my sister is strained and my other aunts and cousins are in Atlanta. All in all I'm feeling a little blue this Thanksgiving. This year has been one of tremendous changed. I moved to Chicago, my friends moved to Atlanta, I sold my studio/event space, and I am looking for job.

You can't dwell in the past, nor re-create it. I look forward to creating my own holiday traditions with friends and a family of my own, but then that gets me to wondering if that will ever happen. I love the whole domestic thing, cooking, decorating, playing hostess and would love to have a honey to share my life with, but things are looking kinda bleak on that front. Part of reason I am job hunting is that with my work I am surrounded by women all the time and its hard to meet men. I look forward to having more discretionary income to go out, travel, pursue my non-professional interests. I don't want to be restricted to my home and/or free/inexpensive events b/c my cash is low. Nor do I want to be forced to go out with gentlemen I am not interested in, just to get a free meal and get out the house.

I miss my days of financial Independence and the ability to do things I want to do, not just survive. When I look back into my heyday of dating fabulous menfolk I realized it was when I was just out there doing me! So as part of my new life in the Chi, I am excited about what will happen, as I get my money right! This diva is all about the renewed hustle for 2008 b/c this being fiscally challenged thing is for the birds. I'm a superstar dammit and that means money is not a thing!

I'll always remember this Thanksgiving b/c I vow to never ever repeat it. I would rather be going to a spa to relax and renew than feeling like a homeless vagrant.

Light-skinned Girl party, WTF??!!

I am so shamed that this mess went down in Detroit, but even so I still have to call 'em out! I NEVER EVER would have thought a black person would do some mess like this!

Amid furor, DJ cancels party for 'light-skinned' blacks

'I made a mistake,' local party promoter says after Internet backlash.

Oralandar Brand-Williams / The Detroit News

DETROIT -- A local DJ and party promoter retreated Thursday from a plan to sponsor a bash that would let "light-skinned" black women into a downtown club for free.

But the "Light Skin Libra Birthday Bash" at Club APT on Woodward Avenue turned out to be a bashing -- of promoter Ulysses "DJ Lish" Barnes after word of the unusual party spread on the Internet.

"I made a mistake," Barnes said. "I didn't think there would be a backlash."

--> --> -->startclickprintexclude--> --> --> -->endclickprintexclude-->

Barnes, who said he's been a party promoter for six years, canceled the event.

He said he has gotten angry calls and e-mails from around the country about the party.

"I didn't mean to offend anyone," he said. "I had planned a party for other shades (of black women). We were going to take a shade of color each week. Next week was going to be a party for 'Sexy Chocolate' and the week after that 'Sexy Caramel.' "..... read the entire article here>>

My thoughts

I find it hard to believe that this promoter didn't realize that this concept wouldn't fly. However if it is true, it only shows what a critical state much of our community is in. His willingness to green-light this concept shows a true lack of understanding about the legacy of the color complex in this country. I am reminded of Kanye West's comments about the racially mixed women in the music videos:
"If it wasn't for race mixing there'd be no video girls. Me and most of our friends like mutts a lot. Yeah, in the hood they call 'em mutts". If anyone thought this was no longer an issue, welcome to reality.

Moreover, to play the devil's advocate, if for some strange reason, he still wanted to do this, if he had any sense of consciousness, it would seem that common sense would dictate that you not start with the "light-skinned" girls first. This shows an even deeper disregard for the emotional scars that our melanin-rich sisters carry as they are constantly bombarded with images that say they are not beautiful!


I hope that this young man has learned from this situation and that as a community we can see that it is imperative to educate our youth about our history and culture so that we do not show ourselves to be this ignorant and thoughtless in our endeavors.

To be clear I am 100% in disagreement to this party as a concept considering the history of intra-racial prejudice in our community and suggested that he start with dark-skinned women to simply switch up the all to common deference to less-african looking members of our community, and to give an example of how it would have been taking the sensitive nature of this subject into account.

Where do you weigh in on this issue?

What's the Point in Dating? Part 1 & 2

Part 1
I spent this evening in conversation with a gentleman I've been seeing. It's nothing serious, because I've been trying to "Date." I was told the reason I have not had the best of luck with men and relationships is that I have always taken it too seriously. It was explained to me by retired pimpstress T-Mack that it's a numbers game and that the more men you date the higher the odds you'll find someone great!

So as I began my new adventures here in the Chi, I decided to be open. I would try saying "yes," even if there wasn't any "chemistry." I would follow the thought that maybe he's really a great person or has some really cool friends. For most of my life I always felt that when a guy asks you out there is the implicit understanding that he is interested romantically and that my accepting the date you are implying that there is a possibility b/c on some level you are interested too(yes i agree with you J). However, this new strategy says that just b/c you say yes doesn't require you to be interested, you're just becoming friends.

As I am still looking for a job, I'm not trying to spend a whole lot of money. Normally if I go out with friends I pay for myself, so I wasn't comfortable going out with these fellas when I couldn't pay. It just didn't seem right to let them spend their money when I wasn't interested in romance. But, when I explained this to them as the reason I hadn't called or didn't always want to go out, I was told not to worry b/c they just "enjoyed my company." So why do I continue to feel that they want more from me?

It's not surprising as I am quite fabulous, but I can't help that there is nothing there for me. I like what I like and if they are not it, what can I do? I guess this is just to say that I don't understand the point of dating if you're not trying to move towards something more? I don't do casual sex, so if we're not connecting on the spiritual or intellectual planes I can promise we won't be connecting physically! So if there is no chance you getting some tail and you're not interested in something long-term, what is the point in dating? Do some men just really really enjoy the company of women? Should I stop seeing these guys even though they say they are okay with just being friends? My gut says at some point things will get complicated and that I should just take a little break b/c I just don't understand this whole dating thing nowadays.

Part 2

Then on a different tip, what is with this last minute plans thing? Maybe I'm old school, but if you want to spend time with someone doesn't it make since to make plans to see them? I have been dating since moving into town, but have had a number of guys complain or make off-hand remarks about me being "too busy." I'm confused b/c it can't be that they are really surprised that I am not available to drop everything and go-out with them, can they? Please someone tell me, is them how it is nowadays? You call around 5 or 6 to see if she wants to go out around 7 or 8 and actually expect to get a yes? When did it become a bad thing to have a life?

Now to be honest I was making it mean something else. I figured he must not be seriously interested in me if he called at the last minute to make plans. I just put him into the "something to do if bored" category, and made a note not to get too invested b/c he just wasn't that into me (part of my "Its just dating" philosophy). I was informed by a friend that it wasn't necessarily the case, but that nowadays things are just more casual; people don't plan actual dates days in advance, but simply hook up when their schedules happen to allow. While this is new to me, I can accept that, even though I may not like it.

My question is why not? If you have met someone that you say you really want to get to know better, why not set some time apart in your schedule to spend with them? On the other hand why would these guys I literally just met expect me to rearrange my schedule and/or break my plans to spend time with them? Moreover, could they really really be upset and/or offended by the fact that I decline to do so? Are most women so eager to "go out" that they make it their top priority? Am I being strange? Am I being unreasonable? Someone please give me some insight b/c I am truly perplexed! It's not that I don't want to date. It's not that I don't like men. It just that I don't like being an after-though or being taken for granted. I don't think I'm being over-sensitive but maybe I am. I told my roommate I'm going off men for awhile b/c right now dealing with them is not bringing me any joy and right now I only want joy!

Teach me how to love

So many complaints and so many people wanting to find love, why can't we seem to connect? No one really wants to be alone, yet we can't seem to stay together either. An friend of mine recently expressed his desire to find "the one" I had to ask what he meant by that. With aaaaallllll the dynamic single women I know I just don't understand how a man who sincerely wants to be attached would have that much trouble finding his princess. But when I started asking him the same questions I ask my girlfriends who want to be partnered, I think he was truly stumped. Now perhaps he just didn't want to share his innermost desires with me, but my gut says he hadn't really given it a lot of thought.

To his credit, he gave it a good effort and in reality most of my girl's can't answer me either, so I was struck with this realization that while we feel at the deepest level of our being that we need companionship and to be "with" someone, I don't think we really know why or how.

The reasons are varied. We all have read the stats on the number single parent households so we should be able to agree that most people haven't seen long-term male/female relationships modeled. So if you've never seen it in real life, what do you base your expectations on?

I was then listening to that Musiq song "Teach Me" and I got a little further insight that maybe the reason so many men are disappointing me in their treatment of me is that that really truly don't know anything else. I used to be so offended when me would approach me with details of how much money that had or only touched me when they wanted to get a little action. I felt that they were purposely insinuating that my only value of them was their wallet and that the only thing about me that valued was my usefulness for sex.

I considered that maybe I wasn't a good conversationalist. Or maybe I wasn't well-rounded enough to make them want to talk to me about anything other sex or things relationship-related. I couldn't understand why me a person who is well-read, insightful, cultured, and open-minded could not a find a man to have an enjoyable evening with. I was confused about why I couldn't seem to go on a proper date. I wasn't dressing provocatively or speaking un-intelligently, so I couldn't fathom how men were relating to me and/or what they were bringing to the table as a proposed way of being in a relationship.

BUT... if you grew up in a household were men where evaluated on their ability to help you cover the bills/make end meet or were expected to pay for hair, nails, clothes wouldn't you think providing those things were important? If you didn't see Mommy and Daddy being silly and affectionate with each other for no other reason that they were in love why would you know that sometimes all a woman wants is to be kissed, hugged, pinched, winked at, caressed, or swatted with affection that acknowledges that she is beautiful and desirable with no expectation or attempt at sex?

If all you saw was Mama get money or things from men and then perform domestic and/or intimate acts wouldn't you think that's how people interact. If you didn't see them walking down the street holding hands or snuggled up in front of the fireplace drinking hot chocolate sharing the days happenings with each other and their kids, would you think to do it? If your Daddy never made it a practice to bring your mother and his daughters little treats, "just because" would it strike you to show up one day with a little trinket that says "I was thinking of you?" If you heard your mom clowning your dad or her boyfriend for getting her a "cheap" gift for Valentine's or Sweetest Day perhaps you wouldn't think its the thought that counts and be okay with giving her a card, a kiss, and a massage if that was all you could afford and know that she would appreciate the effort and understand that you're doing the best that you can and love you for it.

This goes for women too. I know many many many well-educated women who are stuck in this mode of expecting a man to buy and do for her even though she can do for herself. She never saw her mom work to support her dad while he pursued his dream to make life better for everyone and be okay with having his back for awhile b/c she knows that he will have hers. Maybe she can't be a poor man or an artists b/c she really does equivocate manhood with wealth.

I see it all, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand how to relate to many people with these alternate views of relationships. I don't know how to expect or accept a man giving me money for things that I can take care of myself when he won't event take the time to talk to me. It's not that I don't like gifts (who doesn't?), but what I really want is his time. I want to connect on a mental and spiritual level so that when we connect physically it is explosive! I want to explain that you could take me to McDonald's and we can sit an talk all night rather than go to the most expensive restaurant in town and have nothing to say.

I would take a poor man who will give me his heart over a rich man who will give me the world any day! But how do you get the poor man who thinks he is not worthy of love b/c he has no gifts to give to understand that his greatest gift is his love, respect, adoration, and consideration? How do you teach people to love with a love that is deep and abiding and long-lasting when all they know is of selfish, superficial love based on things that perish, break or can be stolen away?

Church Redefined

I was talking with my friend Rapture regaling him with my escapades here in the Chi. I mentioned that I went to church and he almost choked. Yes its been a loooooooong time since I went to church, and if you've been hanging out with me you know why. So why after almost 6 years have I not only been at church for the past three weeks, but actually looking forward to it?

Simple I found a place that makes sense to me. I heard about Unity a couple of years ago, but I wasn't quite ready to take on anything having to do with Christianity. I thought it was all corrupt and would take me back to that place of conflicted feelings, confusion, guilt, and dread. It took me a long time to get back on good terms with God and I didn't want to chance becoming separated again.

So when my Aunt gave me this book "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson, I had no idea it would lead to this. The book was great, very inspirational, but it didn't lead me to church. It did help me see that there could another way though.

So fast forward about 3 years. I was preparing for this move to Chicago, and full of fear and anxiety. I had negotiated the sale of my dance studio and was preparing to move out of my loft. The thing is ,I didn't have a job lined up in Chicago, or any guarantees that this whole thing would work out at all. I was in the middle of packing up my loft and this particular Sunday morning I woke up at 9am (early for me on a Sunday) with an overwhelming need to go to Renaissance Unity. I didn't know where it was, what time service started, but I was compelled.

I hopped online and found it. I really tried to resist, but I couldn't. I tried to go back to sleep, I couldn't. I finally gave in, got dressed and went on my way. I got there too late for the service, but the welcome I received was heart warming. I received a complimentary CD of the service as well as overview of what Unity is all about.

The core principles of Unity are as follows:

1. There is only one Presence and one Power active as the universe and as my life, God the Good.
2. Our essence is of God; therefore, we are inherently good. This God essence, called the Christ, was fully expressed in Jesus.
3. We are co-creators with God, creating reality through thoughts held in mind.
4. Through prayer and meditation, we align our heart-mind with God. Denials and affirmations are tools we use.
5. Through thoughts, words and actions, we live the Truth we know.

I am still in my evaluation phase, but I will say this. When I walked into the bookstore at Renaissance I was blown away. It looked just like my personal library of personal growth and spiritual enlightenment texts. There books on meditation, yoga, healthy eating, natural healing, and so much more. There was such diversity in the congregation I couldn't believe it. Then as I walked out of the sanctuary, I ran into my Aunt and cousins. To top it off, it was the day of the church picnic and I came in 3rd place in the Hula Hoop contest!

I had such a good feeling when I left there I couldn't believe. I just left a church and felt nothing but love, openness, and positivity. I did a little research into Unity and found it to be interesting and worth more investigation. I promised myself to look into it more when I got to Chicago.

So I did and I have been to Unity in Chicago each Sunday for the last 3-weeks. The people have been welcoming and I look forward to the next time I can go. There are workshops on prosperity, finding your life's purpose, achieving your heart's desire and more! If its been a while since you've been in a place of worship, or you have a desire to be part of a spiritual community that is not about judgment, I urge you to check out a Unity Church in your area. You don't have to leave your current belief system, b/c every path to God is embraced. If your soul is yearning to connect with other spiritual people, or you just want to hear a positive message that is empowering and uplifting I hope you'll take advantage of this opportunity. I am happy that I followed the direction of the Spirit that Sunday and look forward to what is next on my journey to peach and enlightenment!

Living Just Enough for the City

I've been kickin' it in the Chi for about three weeks and officially loving it! Outside of the fact that I have a tastee roommate, I also have an AMAZING view of Lake Michigan. I literally wake up and look out over this beautiful peaceful blue expanse. Add to that fact this fabulous Indian Summer we have this September and I am in heaven.

I made this move to get a change of scenery and start living the life I want and tonight I did just that. I love the theatre, and one of the reasons Chicago drew me is b/c it has a wonderful theatre district. It's often the first stop many shows make after leaving New York! Tonight I went to see The Color Purple and it was breath-taking. I was a bit worried that it may not live up to the hype, but it surpassed my greatest expectations.

This was the final night of its Chicago run and I bought the ticket on impulse. Yes I know I haven't quite found a job, or established my revenue streams here, but there was no way I was letting that show close without checking it out. So I took myself out on a date. Dinner at a wonderful restaurant, 312 Chicago, where I had this fish I never heard of before but found quite flavorful and popped around the corner to check out the show at the Cadillac Palace Theatre. For the final show of a great run!

I was captivated from the moment I sat down! It was wonderful to see so many people of color at the show and even better to see many other people there as well. Ms. Winfrey gets mad props for putting this production on!

I don't know how to describe it, but what I can say is that I could feel this show. The first big number "Mysterious Ways" was soul-stirring. Like being in church and feeling the spirit come over you. Not a get up and do the holy dance spirit, but like you can feel a presence and it feels good! I would say the number "Hell No" performed by Sophia (the character) was hilarious! All the women in the audience were in stitches. Then Shug Avery showed up on the scene (let me say that Michelle Williams (of Destiny's Child) did an excellent job!) and the show was never the same. I will say that this stage production definitely took the relationship between Celie and Shug a step further than the movie, but more inline with the book.

Everyone knows the story, and if you don't, read the book and rent the move before going to see this production, but seeing it performed live is still full of surprises. I was on my feet by the time the final number was performed and hooted and hollered my appreciation for a fabulous performance during the curtain call. Even though we had very lively audience member who felt the need to shout out and clap and odd moments, I found my this theatrical event to be thoroughly enjoyable and can't wait to see my next production!

When The Color Purple comes to your town, make sure you take the time to see it. This production is on its way to San Fransisco, so if you're looking for a great reason to visit out west, this could be it! We have to support shows like this so we can see more quality theatre that tells stories pertinant to African Americans!

It's not supposed to be this way :-(

That's what I keep telling myself at least. I swear I didn't sign up for this, but somehow here I am. On the one hand I am tickled pink about having made this move and feel excited and anticipatory about what lies ahead. But, on the other hand, I am just tired and wish things were already different. Starting over again is no picnic! This is not where I planned to be at this point in my life, but when you're hard-headed I guess you have to take what you get.

This move was put in my head two years ago, and there was no real reason for me to stay in Detroit and start my business. When I left that retarded job, I had money in the bank, good credit and the spirit to show the world what I could. Now I feel like to some extend I "lost" and had to leave Detroit defeated in hopes that the battle will be more easily won here. The thing is, I don't want to fight. I have never found the fun in having to push push push to make it happen. I love doing everything I have done, but could really do without all the struggle that has accompanied it. I don't mind hard work, long hours, thinking planning, and figuring it out. But all the fighting, trying to explain, justify, or attempt to enlighten has drained me.

I went to church this morning (yes I said church) and the message was "Changing Our Thinking About Positive Thinking." I have to explain that this was a unity church and part of this whole "New Thought" Movement; it's less about worshiping Jesus and more about learning how to live more like him and realize our full potential on earth. Anyway, this is my attempt to apply that message to my life. Yes it's important to be positive and speak in the affirmative in order to manifest the reality you want, but at the same time you have to acknowledge and accept your current state of being.

If you're scared, own it. If you're tired, claim it. If you're sad, mad, irritated, broken-hearted, whatever, take a moment to be there and then work on moving past it. Simply saying, no I'm happy does not make it so. Now this isn't license to wallow in self pity or sit around moping, but it is about figuring out why you're feeling down and then getting some insight into how to get up!

I thought moving would change it all, but I see that there are a host of other things I have to confront. Yes my encounter at the crazy house and with my various partners taught me a lot about the ills of our community and challenges to progress, but I also allowed them to shake my confidence. I have affirmed and believed and positive-thought my way all the way to Chicago, but now that I am here, I am like "Shit, I am terrified and very unsure." I didn't want to admit it b/c there are people in my life who will say "See I told you Chicago isn't a magical place that will make everything better. You should have just kept your ass in Detroit, and got a job." They don't mean any harm, but they truly can't see to understand that while, it may not all be better here, a lot of it is. Yeah it sucks to have to go back to "faking it," but its certainly better than not wanting to do anything at all.

Yes I miss my friends, (but most of them have already escaped Detroit) and it was quite bittersweet to hand over the keys to my studio that I worked hard to open and tried even harder to grow. I will admit that down-sizing from my own spacious loft to one room of a friends apt is a bit jarring. I will even go as far as to say I am mad as hell each time I look at my bank account and compare it to the amount of work I have put in. BUT even with all that, I do not want to return to Detroit. The whole environment reeks of decay, stagnation, and ignorance.

This is me accepting my current state. A little sad, a little lonely, a lot scared, and very tired. I sat in a discussion with a group of women, and one man and the topic strayed to the desire for security. Most of the ladies expressed agreement that it would be nice to have someone to pay all the bills. To not have to work, or worry about is there enough money. I joked about not being hip to the "have a baby by a wealthy or soon to be wealth man" game when I was younger and had the opportunity to snag a few. The truth is that while I do look forward to the day of true wealth, when I am making lots of money without having to work so hard for it, I don't want to get it by being a baby mama, or a kept woman. What I really want is fulfillment. I want job I love, I want my business to thrive, I want a loving relationship. I want to be in a relationship that makes me feel safe enough to want to have children and be confident that I won't end up raising them alone. It may seem like a tall order, but I deserve it.

So at church there was a posting for a job opening for an event coordinator at the church. It's funny b/c its almost exactly what I was doing at the crazy house. Its a full-time position, and what better environment for me to work in? So while at this exact moment I feel a little sad and upset over my financial situation, I already feel a little better having gotten it off my chest, if only via the written word! The next step is to tighten up the resume and cover letter and apply for the job! It's full-time and I would love to have something steady coming in as I get my bearing together here.

I feel like I am all over the place, but my mind is so charged up, I just need to get it empty and since my roommate is holed-up in his room doing who knows what, this forum will have to do. Besides I'm still working on this whole, being able to share my feelings of doubt, fear, sadness, and loneliness with people in the real world thing.

This started off as "it's not supposed to be this way," but maybe things are exactly as they should be, and I just need to accept it.

Cracked Up

I had the Ipod going as I drove home from the festival and Al Green's "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" came on. No big deal, but when I went to sleep my mind betrayed me :-(
I felt the lyrics to the song deeply. I mean I was in tears, just thinking "How am I going to do this? How can I start again? Will I be able to do it?" No, no one has actually broken my heart romantically (I would have to actually date someone in for that to happen), but over the past few years it has taken quite a beating in many other areas. I have given so much myself for the past 7 years and as I break up with Detroit I realize my heart is truly hurt. I feel like have been dating a selfish, ignorant, immoral, hateful man and been used and abused and am trying to love again.

I am both angry and grateful, if that makes any sense, because while it hasn't been fun, I have grown tremendously. At the same time my ego has taken a beating. I went through a period of severe depression and self-doubt. I though that my lack of "success" was due to my incompetency or lack of talent, skill, etc. I see how someone can be in an abusive relationship and stay there b/c you can't believe its happening. You think it must be you and that if you could only be different than everything would be better.

It also has to do with the fact that I am so determined to be in control of my life. I think that if work hard enough I can change any situation. I still think that's true, BUT you also have to follow the direction of the universe. I can't say I am done with Detroit forever, b/c I know there is work to be done here, but I was directed over 2 years ago to leave this city and build my empire elsewhere. I know that sometimes you have to leave home b/f you can change it. I was being stubborn and wanted to do it MY WAY! So here's what you MY WAY got me. Broken hearted and on the road to recovery.

As much as I hate to say it, my breaking point didn't come from within. It took an outsiders off-hand comment about this city to help me really see that this problem was bigger than me. I finally got that I didn't deserve to be tired, frustrated, angry, sad, and BROKE. My situtation has nothing to do with my level of dedication, skill, preparedness, or insight. It's just that the culture here is not ready for me and what I do.

So I'm on my way to a more progressive city. Chicago my new love. What I have to do is make sure I give this relationship my whole self and not let what happened in the D scar me. I have to be bold, brash, focused, and optimistic. I can't take no for an answer or belive that its too hard or too impossible. I have to be willing to try anything and stick with it until there is nothing left.

Oh if it were only that simple. But it is. As I finish my laundry and prepare to go pick up the moving truck tomorrow I vow to give it me all and not let any of the negative experiences I had here stop me from at least trying there. I only ask that anyone who calls themselves my friend feel free to give me soft kick in the pants if I ever get stuck in the past. I say soft b/c if you kick too hard, I'm liable to turn around and slap you!

POOF!

I met someone and while things seemed to be going well in an instant he was gone! Its strange b/c it felt good, but then again perhaps my spidey sense was a little off b/c its been awhile since I really connected with anyone. A few great evenings together, long talks about shared interests, and romantic strolls along the riverfront peppered with kisses, hugs, and talks of enjoying the moment, had me starting to feel little giddy and thinking that maybe all was not lost.

It must be noted that this gentleman has a lot on his plate emotionally which is why I tredded lightlly in this engagement and explains why while I am dissapointed, I am not devastated by this strange situation. I would characterize my feeling as that of puzzlement. I really would like to understand why men seem to run from a throughly pleasant experience and then come back months, years later lamenting their decision to leave me for "something else" and expect me to take them back with open arms?

Benefitting from a healthy dose of self-love and a couple years of therapy I get that its not me, at least not in a negative way, but that knowledge doesn't take away the frustration and sadness that there may be no alternative to the occasional FB, lots of platonic friends, and electronic stimulation. So what's A Diva to do?

I know a few things about men. Not a whole lot, but a few things I am 100% convinced of.
a) you cannot make anyone love/like you
b) if a man wants to be with you and is ready, all you have to do is let him know that you are open, and he will come running
c) while it is easy to get into a man's pants, it takes a lot to get into his heart and mind
d) a good looking woman never has to want for male company

So what does this knowledge do to help me in my quest against continual singledom? Not a lot b/c while I can always convice someone to take me out, I cannot make him open his heart if he has decided not to. Moreover, I can't make him stay when he gets scared b/c he's starting to fall for me, and thinks that being open and vulnerable is unacceptable b/c in the past he has only dealt with damaged women.

So when he returns like they all do at some point to tell me that there has never been another like me. Or that they now realize that I am "the one." I simply give them a sweet smile and say thank you, but cannot bring myself to open my heart again to one who threw it away to carelessly when I offered it to him. I don't think that make me bitter b/c I am open to new suitors, just not recycling old ones.

So the current Mr. POOF has officially moved on to the catergory of "another wounded soul" who can't handle me. If he happens to read this, yes I am talking about you luv. I'm not hurt so much as learning from the past that if you are running this soon, you need to work a little more on you before you try to hang with me b/c I don't play games and am not interested in playing hide and seek with you!

I don't want you luv!

Really, just b/c I say nice things to you and doll out the praise like you are the king of the world, I am okay with us being friends. Unlike a lot of people my compliments and well-wishes are not always attached to an ulterior motive. If you are fine you're fine, if you smart you're smart, and if I'm feeling you, well I'm feeling you, whatever.

Then, please keep in mind that even if I think you are the hottest thing on the block, if you're not sweatin' me, it's whatever. I am A Diva in the truest sense of the word. I like all eyes to be on me, and if you are not all up in my face lovin on me and telling me how fabulous I am, we can be friends.

Its not like I am lacking male attention. Whenever I leave the house I get plenty of it. I know I look good, but so what? Hell if it was all about looks I would be a fucking millionaire married with a couple of kids by now. I'm looking for the special something that clicks when its right and you be fine like Boris K or maybe a little funny looking like Chris T, either way when its right its right!

So don't be scared luv. Don't think I'm coming to get you. I will keep it on the friend tip until or unless you get with the Afro Diva program. When you come to your senses and realize you have the baddest chick around available to you, we can make it happen. Until then, no there are no benefits with this friend. Either we're together or we're not, I don't walk the in between line, it makes things waaaaaaay to complicated. Until then, just soak up all the love and appreciation I shower upon you, it makes me feel good to spread good feelings around.

Prince is Back

Prince is back with a new album and he's working with Wendy & Lisa Again. I must say I am excited and looking forward to it. Prince is one of the few musicians that inspire me and I really need some inspiration right about now!

marriage

I don't want to compete with you
I just want to build with you
I don't want to stand behind you
Can't I just walk next to you?

We're reflections of each other see
I look @ you I just see me
Together we can change the world
but you must make me your only girl

I'll treat you like the king you are
bring you the sun moon & the stars
I want your strength, respect, and love
As is below, the same above

When this are hard you lean on me
I got your back, just trust in me
Give me your heart you will find joy
I'll give you a girl and a boy

A love like this inspires life
I need you to make me your wife
We'll make a home that's safe and warm
and find comfort in each other's arms

when life is tough to you I come
with your love i'll overcome
what challenges may come to me
you make me feel divine and free

we'll laugh, love, play and live life
true meaning of husband and wife
i love you to the end of time
i and praise the day you became mine

Dating Amnesia

I think I have forgotten how to date. Really, its been so long I'm worried I might not remember what to do or how to act. I swear there is another side to me that's not all work, but its been so long since she came out to play I fear she may be lost. I want to remember how to let my hair down and just be...

I don't feel like its my fault, its not like I haven't wanted to go out over the past few months/years, but I just haven't met anyone I want to go out with. I get plenty of offers, from all sorts of characters. Characters is the operative word here.

If somehow I could convince myself that a sloppily dressed, fuzzy-haired, wanna be gangsta, or generally dirty looking man was somehow desirable I could go out all the time. They love to pull up next to me in my cute little jeep and ask me for my number. I was at the mall last weekend and a good number, hissed, hooted, and beckoned for me to come over. I am wondering what happened to the concept of a man coming over to ask you "Excuse me miss, what's your name?" When did it become the expectation for me to scamper over to you b/c you look at me and make a PSST sound?

I know I am not crazy, and I'm good with my attitude "weeding out the assholes" but can they all really be asses? So I have an opportunity to test my skills and I'm off to a different environment, hopefully to meet new people and be in a place where there are people with ambition, intelligence, respect for women, and a appreciation of a superstar like myself. I just have to be honest and say I am little scared.

I may have forgotten how to be a good date? I guess we'll see.

What's Next

It has to be more than talking about "it." I feel like people weren't hearing Russell Simmons who talked about the root of the problem. While I am not a fan of the gangsta rap and ghetto foolishness I understand that the music is just a symptom of a bigger problem. To some extent its economic, but it is also psychological, emotional and spiritual.

I have said that my people here suffer from chronic low self-esteem. We don't love ourselves so as a result we treat one another like dirt. We call each other niggers, bitches, hoes and all other sorts of things. No I'm not surprised Don Imus said it, but no it doesn't make it right.

In these discussions we jump from slavery to rap music and there is a whole lot in between. Slavery and segregation planted the seeds of negativity and self-hate, but this issue has grown into a full-grown weed. Forcing rappers and musicians to change their lyrics and firing people like don imus is like cutting of the top of the weed. We all know it will just come back again and again unless you get the root.

So how do we collectively address poor self-image, low self-esteem, lack of integrity, hopelessness, desperation, and depression? It's caused by environment. I grew up in Detroit, MI and I can tell you first hand what an impoverished depressed environment can do to a people.

I feel like some people point the finger at people like Oprah and say look she came from a poor environment and now she's a mogul, but we all know she is the exception and not the rule. There are some people who are born superstars. They are visionaries and are able to overcome any adversity put in their path, but most people are not. However, if given a positive environment and a fair chance these people would become productive members of society.

My mom was like Oprah. She didn't come from a privileged home, but she was a striver nonetheless. She wanted more for herself and raised me to be the same way. She exposed my sister and I to a variety of things and taught us that we could be ANYTHING we wanted if we simply worked hard. She taught us to believe in ourselves by showing us she had confidence in us and accepting nothing less than our best.

I am a product of my environment and while I am not an Oprah I am a superstar in my own right. I own my own business, finished college, and shining example of a strong beautiful positive black woman, so tell me why and I seen as the exception and not the rule? Why are people shocked to find out I have a college degree and no children at 31? Why was it the same at 21?

We have to love on our youth and help them transcend their environment. We have to help them believe in themselves and help them find the strength to dream of being more than a street hustle or baby mama. Every affluent black family should adopt at least one black orphan and every black person should be a mentor.

We, the sophisticated, educated, privileged, and affluent, are failing our community everyday by not living amongst ourselves or at a minimum spending time among the less fortunate. Its not about clothing drives or food baskets around the holiday season, its about driving your BMW into the "hood" and letting these boys know that they can have a tight whip without selling drugs, being a professional athlete, or being a rapper. It's letting little girls know that they can be executives, business owners, teachers, doctors, massage therapists and more than a welfare queen. It's letting them see examples of black families with husbands, wives, and children at every income level.

It struck me a couple of years ago that my childhood was unique in that I grew up in a two parent home, was a product of planned parent-hood and saw a loving relationship modeled for me. I am so unique that most men and women think my criteria for being in a relationship and having children is weird. The guys who want to date me think I am "high maintenance" because I require you to treat me like a queen. I don't know anything else b/c that is what I saw everyday in my home growing up. My father loved my mother and even though she passed away over ten years ago, he still tears up at the mention of her name.

No we can't fix the broken homes, but we can open our arms to these children and let them see that there is another way. It's a shame that many black children think black folks don't get married or have good credit. So many people say to me, "you don't plan to have kids, it just happens." We have to show them that you make life happen instead of it happening to you.

In summary, those of us who are able to participate in town hall meetings and have great esoteric discussions need to stop philosophizing and start doing. For all these single professional women sad about never having found a man, gotten married, and having a family should become mothers, aunties, and big sisters to all these youth out here without parents or fools for parents. These teenage moms need the guidance of older women to help them be good parents. We need retired teachers to come together and create after school programs to help these kids with homework and supplement the joke that is the public school system.

Let's stop talking and start doing. Oprah we need some schools here in Detroit b/c the Detroit Public School system is dropping the ball big time. Bill Cosby, but your money where your mouth is and let's start some parenting and life skills programs for the youth. To all my executives, senior managers, factory workers, and skilled-tradesmen let's start volunteering, mentoring, and participating. Spend less time shopping for shoes and going to the club and more time giving back to your community. Let's praise them and raise our youth and watch how our community begins to flourish.

So What About Oprah?

Ms. O did a town hall today on the fall out of the Imus issue today and although its been overshadowed by the foolishness at Virginia Tech I would love to get some feedback. I know a lot of people think she is out of touch and doubted whether or not she would use her show as a platform for this topic. So now that she has what else is there to say?

Oprah gets a lot of hate from some members of the black community b/c she super successful, single and childless. Sound ridiculous I know, but sadly its true. I have had men actually say that they hate her b/c they see her as a competitor b/c she hasn't had any children! I admire Ms. O b/c she embodies excellence, style, grace, and benevolence. Despite what some say, I have yet to hear anything about her to truly make me question my respect for her. Sure she is a tough lady, and I doubt she lets anyone get away with anything, but what else do you expect. If she did anything less she wouldn't be a billionaire!!

I continue to appreciate her for doing what she does and if anyone ever questioned her "blackness" can we please just leave it alone. EVERYONE in the black community she look to her as an inspiration and example of what you can achieve no matter where you come from!

Regarding the Duke Lacross Case

Yes I'm going to say it, even with the charges being dropped, I don't know if I believe they are innocent. Here's the thing. I went to Duke and I can attest to the lifestyle of the students there and it is one privilege and entitlement. Duke is a wonderful school and I would recommend anyone go there black, white, or other,but Duke is also very much like the real world.

We may never know what really happened that night, but what I do know is this as a Black woman from a working class family who was fortunate enough to experience this world of the elite, I know we(black women) are not valued. Its funny how this came down at the same time as the Imus situation, as it is a clear example of how no matter if you are a collegiate athlete or a stripper at a party you can still be considered a "ho."

Since we arrived in this country, and truth be told before my foremothers left the shores of Africa, white men have felt they have the right to do anything they want to black women (Yes I know that all women have been oppressed over time, but I'm focusing on my community right now). We have been bred, beaten, raped, and abused, and even in 2007 disrespected. So its not hard to think that a group of drunk frat boys who feel they are entitled to whatever they want would assault a stripper, especially a black one.

These young men may be completely innocent, it is also VERY possible that their resources have been used to make this situation "go away." Its an issue of race, gender, class, power, and politics. My gut tells me that something shady went on, but perhaps its my own prejudice influencing me. That nagging belief in my mind that white people just don't respect black people and therefore cannot be trusted to do right by us. I don't think its all intentional, but when you look at how things are how can I think anything else?

Truth is, I shy away from movies and books that tell the history of the atrocities my people have suffered b/c it makes it hard for me to function day to day in this world. When I reflect upon the state of my people, there is so much rage, frustration, and sadness, that my heart feels like it will break and be replaced with a burning desire for revenge. I've done my research and I am a strong warrior for my people, but sometimes I just get sooooo overwhelmed.

Yes I am an angry black women fighting daily to to find peace and channel that energy into good works. Instead of focusing on the wrong that was done, I think on how to move onward and upward. Things like Imus, and the Duke case, just remind me of just how vast this task is and honestly make me question whether or not I can truly make a difference. But, I have to remain hopeful or I think I would lose my will to go on and just sit, forever.

Don't worry I have vowed to make a difference and will not stop until I do or I am no more.

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???Nappy Headed Hos???

First off, this shows just how out of the loop I've been. I hadn't heard anything about this foolishness until I talked with my line-sister yesterday. After catching up on each other's lives she asked my opinion on the IMUS situation. I had no idea what she was referring to. I don't watch too much TV and don't listen to the radio much either (I can't stand most commercial music) so I admit, sometimes I miss out on important news items (I have subscribe to a mail service now that will come to my inbox). After turning to CNN and MSNBC and doing the requisite Google I got the gist of what was happening. First I thought this must be some kind of joke, but sadly I knew it wasn't.

My outrage is on soo many levels I don't know if I can organize my thoughts coherently, but I'll try.

First I am upset that anyone would try to defend this by bringing up rap music. I am not a fan of a lot of rap b/c I do not like all the references to ho's and bitches, but and this is the thing none of those songs are directed at anyone specfically.

One the other hand, if any MC's were confused or thought that their excessive use of these terms were not having an impact here is your proof. For some reason or another this crazy man thought it would be okay to refer to the black women on this team as ho's. Is anyone unaware that ho is short for WHORE!!! WTF!! On top of that some other crazy white folk are trying to say that b/c rappers and other artists constantly use ho in place of girl, woman, etc and have black women in their videos that ho is synonymous with black woman. GRRRRR, I just want to scream.

Then I have heard the argument that if a black man had said the same thing it would not be as big a deal. WRONG!! If Tavis Smiley or Barack Obama or Snoop Dogg has said this I would be livid as well. As a matter of fact, I had a discussion with a group of my students a couple of weeks ago and one woman related a story about and informal get together of professional black men and women. They were discussing relationships and one man when talking about his significant other (who was not present) said "blah blah blah and this ho blah blah blah!" Of course when he was checked by ALL the women in the room she said he seemed genuinely surprised at their reaction.

Has everyone lost their damn minds? Can it really be like this? I just cannot understand b/c for every street walker, hoochie mama, and gold digger represented we have plenty of teachers, lawyers, doctors, and other educated professional respectable black women.

Then the nappyheaded comment just took it to a whole other level. But hey let's not front, how many black people still aren't down with natural hair? How man men would really "prefer" that women like me just get a damn relaxer? I have heard it many times and I just shake my head in disgust. This post is random, but I just don't know what to say.

Yes he needs to be fired and yes I am keeping track of who defends him, continues to advertise on his show and who doesn't. When its all said and done yes we need to rally against this idiot, but what we really need to do is take a look at ourselves and get it together.

Sometimes I think its my imagination or that I am just over thinking things when I worry about how black women are perceived in this world. I felt like we are still put into these boxes of mammy, whore, or sapphire, but wondered if I was wrong. Sometimes it seems like a waste of time to be a virtuous woman b/c no matter what you do and how you present yourself you ultimately are characterized in a negative light. When will Black woman be seen as Goddesses too? When will be held up for admiration outside of how bodacious our booties are?

I'm not surprised by that ignorant old white man's comments. He came up in an era when black people couldn't vote, sit at the same counter and all that nonsense, what really concerns me is how man younger people still hold these same ignorant views.

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So Much To Do...

Its times like these I just can't figure myself out. I sit here with all this greatness in front of me, but I just am not feeling it. Perhaps its the sore throat that's been lingering for the last week or maybe its something more.

I never set up for it to be this way, but somehow I ended up here and I'm confused. Where did it all get off track? Realistically was if ever really on track? I'm just not sure. I had a very simple goal when I set out, but jeez it just isn't working out the way I thought.

If anyone had told me that I would be penalized for my intelligence, honestly, integrity, and ambition, I would have called them a liar. However as I reflect upon where I am vs. where I thought I would be I feel like that's what's up.

I have had several jobs, even started on a "career path" or two, but each time I put all my effort into doing the best job possible, it seems to back fire on me! I ask people to put in effort and rather than work hard they walk away. I go the extra mile, I get ostracized, down-sized, or straight clowned.

Right now I am missing my motivation and I just don't know where it can come from. It would be nice to have someone in my corner to look out for me, yet I feel like I'm expected to be self-sufficient. Even when I plainly state "I need help, I'm feeling overwhelmed" its like they don't hear me or it just doesn't register. I feel like the people around me really think that no matter what I am going to make it happen and that they can just hang around and watch. But I know that I'm feeling so crazy that there is a possibility things will all fall apart.

I wonder if my mother felt like this? She was also the "go to" person. The one everyone counted on to make things right, jeeze she didn't even make it to 50. I'm so not trying to go out like that, but what am I supposed to do? They keep calling and asking and expecting, but NEVER OFFERING TO HELP!! When they're feeling sick I'm on it, asking how can I help, what can I do to make you feel better, bringing over food, medicine, whatever. But me, hah I'm here and no one offers to do shit. They call to ask me to do things for them and when I say no I'm not feeling well, its just like "oh." You may ask, why don't you say anything? I do, and the ball consistently gets dropped. Its sooo frustrating. I don't know what's worse trying to it all and feeling overwhelmed or trying to delegate and build a team and not getting shit done?

At times like these I want to look around and be grateful. I want to give thanks for all my blessings. I am grateful, but I am also confused? I honestly feel like I am doing a good thing here, I am a good person, and deserve good stuff in return, but something is off. I am not attracting the right kind of people to me, so what to do? I feel compelled to move geographically, but is it to a new place in this area or to a new region of the country? Is it a little bit of both?

I have been feeling the itch for something new for a while, but what's up with the haze? Do I need to meditate more? Is it depression? If so how do I make it go away? Should I give up? Should I relax my standards? How do I change my approach so that people aren't so intimidated? BTW I hate that word. If I hear it one more time to describe me I'll scream! I am simply someone who goes after what she wants. I don't settle for bullshit from myself so I push and push. What's so intimidating about that? Why are most people willing to just get by? That's what I don't get. I find most people disgustingly lazy. They complain and complain yet do nothing about it. On the other hand, they are the ones that keep jobs, don't get fired, and are at least content if not happy.

I know that I have so many things to do before I leave this world, but right now I just don't know how I'm going to get off the couch and make it happen. :-(

The New Man

I wrote an entry titled The New Woman and I went on and on about how we are liberated and want to be valued and blah blah blah. The thing is, we've heard it all before. So I thought about it, and came to this conclusion, there is a lot on conversation about feminism and the changing roles of women, but what about the men?

After my Saturday Pole Position class, we got to chatting and as all the women expressed their frustration and confusion about dealing with men it hit me. It's obvious that men must not know how to act. Now some may really just choose to be idiots, but for others its true ignorance. The truth is women finding their voice and being more independent and pursuing their own happiness really effects men.

Sexism and male chauvinism was developed by men for men and now that we're challenging it, it means the gentlemen in our lives have to make some adjustments. Some think it makes life harder, but ultimately it could lead to everyone being happier.

My ultimate desire is for people to be able to decide who they are and what role the play in society and in their relationships for themselves. Just a women are choosing to redefine the definition of being a woman, men should be free to do the same. Unfortunately I just don't see that happening. I should say that my reference point is the black community. I cannot speak for men of other ethnic backgrounds, but I can say the majority of Black men I encounter continue to define themselves against these traditional gender roles.

Following is an article written about making changes in definitions of masculinity read it think on it and see if it relates to you.

Birth of a new man:
the politics of masculinity.
Chris Brazier argues that in giving up their power
over women men may just find themselves. -Original Article found in New Internationalists

My grandfather died as I was putting this issue together. He was 84 and illness had led us to expect the worst. And I knew when I visited him the weekend before his death that I was speaking to him for the last time. As I stood beside the bed he looked shrunken into himself, helpless and weak though still mentally alert. He seemed like a little boy, lost inside a withered frame. I couldn't say anything meaningful to him - about whether he was afraid at the prospect of death, perhaps - since neither his own wife nor his son, my father, were able to have such conversations with him.

But then it had always been so. Intimate talk about anything that went much deeper than the surface level of work and everyday happenings always made him profoundly uncomfortable. In this he was typical of many men, though there is no such thing as 'a typical man'. And as I meditated at his funeral on what he had meant to me I kept coming back unavoidably to this one image of him standing by the fireplace, his hand jangling the coins in his pocket as a way of absorbing his embarrassment at the experience of one-to-one communication. Once I remember he and my father stood together at the fireplace talking, both of them jangling the coins in their pockets. And I promised myself that I'd never be like that with my father or my sons, that I'd work to change the patterns of masculinity laid down for the male members of my family.

* * *

I hope women and gay men will understand if I address this article (and indeed most of this magazine) to heterosexual men like myself. We, after all, are the ones who need to get our act together.

I'm trying to imagine your first reactions on seeing that this issue of the NI is about Masculinity. A little fascinated, possibly. Perhaps even a little threatened? This would be hardly surprising, since 'masculinity' is itself something of a taboo area in our culture. True, it is a culture dominated by men, and we will sound off endlessly about most things under the sun. But, as Simone de Beauvoir once pointed out, men are always the subject rather than the object of discussion. We never talk about what it is actually like to be a man. Instead we simply react when forced to by the urging of our female partner or a feminist at work. We wait for women to raise the issue and then adjust accordingly. This is why almost all heterosexual men who have thought seriously about masculinity have been obliged to do so by entering a relationship with a feminist - at which point they are doing it for the sake of their own comfort.

This is understandable but it is time we stopped seeing 'women's concerns' as only being relevant to us when they smack us in the face. Women have enough trouble dealing with their own problems in a sexist world without having to take all the responsibility for changing men, too. It's time we stopped relying on their emotional strength, their knowledge of relationships and built up some of our own.

But we can't begin to do that until we recognize that masculinity as it is currently constructed is oppressive to women. The distressing statistics on Page 16 are evidence of this. We earn 90 per cent of the world's income and own 99 per cent of its property.1 We commit around 90 per cent of crimes of violence2 and 100 per cent of rapes.

When I say 'we' do these things you may think I strike a false note. After all, it is probable that you, like me, have only a modest income and little or no property; that you have never committed a violent crime, let alone a rape. Why should we be equated with men who run countries and corporations, men who rape and kill?

We can ask women not to lump us indiscriminately together with hostile men. But in return we need to recognize that we benefit from sexism every day of our lives, whether we like it or not. There is, for instance, the way that male-dominated workplaces tend to reproduce themselves by appointing more men. The way even sympathetic men leave more of the burden of childcare and housework on women. But there are also more everyday, less obvious benefits, such as the confidence and power we can feel in public situations because they are populated and defined mainly by men.

This is true even when we walk down a street, especially at night. On rare occasions we might find this frightening - when we have to pass a group of aggressive or drunken men, for example. But a woman is likely to experience this feeling as an almost everyday experience. Some don't go out at night at all. Others make elaborate transport arrangements to avoid walking alone. Those who do will often have a nagging fear in the back of their minds - trying not to think about the shadows, worrying about those male footsteps echoing behind her which just might be those of an attacker. This might seem exaggerated. But if so it probably only shows how safe we feel by comparison. The echoing footsteps are quite likely to be ours, after all. We know that nothing is farther from our minds than rape or attack. But the woman ahead of us does not. By simply crossing the street or waiting we could put her mind at rest.

Guilt, guilt, guilt. If we manage to get past our initial threatened reaction, this is often the next phase - despair sets in. If anything from walking along the street to taking a job in an already male-dominated setting can be seen as a contribution to the problem, then aren't we all hopeless cases?

I don't believe this for a moment. Guilt is a negative emotion which paralyses us, makes us feel worthless and incapable. And a lot of the early writing and thinking done by anti-sexist men in the 1970s was redolent of this guilt. But there is so much we can do and so much to be done if we are serious. True, there are also a lot of things we should do our honest best to avoid doing - and Page 25 offers both some ground rules and some tips which might help you take action here and now. In order to be usefully anti-sexist we have to listen to what women are saying and take political action to help their cause. But we must also be prepared to change ourselves, often in quite painful ways. This is a tough business. But it might also be a great adventure. To understand why, we need to go back to the beginning.

* * *
Like father like son. John Wayne Junior steps into some celebrated macho shoes.
Photo: Camera Press

Imagine you're encountering someone else's baby for the first time. You look at the strange, scrunched-up little face, you push your finger into its grasping hand and your heart melts at the vulnerability of this tiny human being, But something is nagging at you and you feel uneasy until you know one key thing - whether this is a girl or a boy. Why should this be? I think it can only be because we need to slot the baby into a box marked 'male' or 'female' in our minds - and to respond accordingly. This may result in the most imperceptible changes in attitude and behaviour - particularly among those of us who consciously try to be anti-sexist. But I can't see any other reason for that small movement of relief in us when we find out a baby's sex.

The world at large, of course, is much more crass and unashamed in its preconceptions. And the result is that boys and girls are set out along different routes. Some argue that biology has something to do with it. This may well be true but it almost doesn't matter, since it is clear that society and culture, which are human creations, fully capable of change, have an overwhelming influence upon us. If this were not so then you would have to say that Iranian women, for example, were more genetically predisposed than Canadian women to wear veils and be submissively invisible, which is clearly absurd.

Masculinity and femininity are not written down in tablets of stone or of DNA. And that is a message of hope. Because although no parents can exclude all the sexist influences upon their children, they can certainly alter the mix. Indeed every one of us, parents or not, can do our bit to change that mix of influences by our own example. Minute and undiscernible it may be, but this is one area in which we all have an effect.

Boys learn how to behave by hint and example from parent and peer group, television and teacher. They learn to be more interested in activity and competition than in communicating and listening, than in being sensitive to the moods and rhythms of people and places. This is often quite a painful process for them. Very few boys are as rough, tough and unfeeling, for example, as the often violent culture of the playground expects them to be.

Take eight-year-old Michael, the son of a friend, who is torn between the macho boy his school friends expect him to be and the more sensitive creature required at home. We settled down to talk one night as an alternative to a bedtime story and the novelty of having his words recorded helped him respond very well to the challenge of an adult conversation.

I mean there's a bad side of me and a good side of me and sometimes the bad Michael comes out and sometimes the good Michael comes out. Because they're fighting... to come out.

What happens when the bad side comes out?

I just start to fight.

What makes you start to fight?

What my body says to me. It says you've got to do the things that you want to do. When someone does something bad to you you've got to do what you want to do to them. Like if they hurt your feelings you have to do something, not just walk off. You have to do something, tell somebody or just punch them.

Where do you feel more like the real you?

At home.

Do you think one day there'll only be one Michael?

Mmm. Maybe when I'm grown up.

Not all of us would express this so starkly - in the classic terms of the split personality. Nor did most of us, coming as we did from homes and parents with conventional assumptions about boys and girls, have to face up to this conflict quite so early as Michael. But it is a drama we have nevertheless all undergone. Learning to be a man is partly learning how to hide and cover the more sensitive side of ourselves. This, we are taught, we have to do in order to survive in a violent world. We have, as the Sergeant says every week in Hill Street Blues, to 'do it to them before they do it to us'. This helps is to 'get on', to fix our eyes on the far horizon in the interests of 'getting the job done'.

People around us can be damaged by this 'far horizon' approach. But we are damaged by it, too. A man, as Elvis Costello once sang, is 'shot with his own gun'. The same weapons in his personality which protect him in the big wide world also leave him lost in his own personality. Our preoccupation with doing and achieving things is a real hindrance when it comes to understanding our own inner selves or forming and maintaining close relationships. This is why we rely on women to unlock this area for us, and where the common saying arises that a man 'has his rough edges knocked off by a woman'.

Back in the 1970s some men concluded from this that they were just as much victims of their 'sex role' as were women. They conceived the idea of 'men's liberation', when there can't really be any such thing, What they forgot is that men have power over women and not the reverse. It is men who have constructed a world for their own benefit - and men who must be prepared to relinquish their power by supporting women's rights in the home, the workplace and society at large.

But at least these men were putting some serious thought into what had made them men. Most men are still light years away from understanding the issues, let alone from embodying the newly popular marketing image of 'the new man' which is referred to on the tongue-in-cheek cover of this magazine. We could all come up with depressing evidence that we have a long way to go. My own mind goes back to the bar at Johannesburg's Jan Smuts airport last April. I was joined by a white man keen to engage me in conversation. As most of us will, he chose what he thought would be uncontentious shared ground for his opening comment. He said: 'There are some tasty pieces of meat on this flight, aren't there?' What he meant, since you may well be in need of an interpreter, was that he found some of the women sexually attractive.

I should perhaps have answered that I was a vegetarian. I should certainly have done more than splutter apoplectically into my orange juice and then pointedly ignore him. But, like most men, I am often weak when it comes to telling other men that their sexism is unacceptable to this one, at least, of their brothers. I've had some successes along the way too. But somehow it's always easier to opt for a quiet life and keep your head down than to confront that sexist joke at work, that casual aside about a woman's appearance.

I'm sure you know the pressures I mean. Ever since adolescence, socializing with other men has meant being drawn into this kind of banter. Yet another part of learning to be 'a regular guy' in this society is learning the codes of conduct that are acceptable between men, knowing the right prejudiced levers to pull. We joke about straight sex to prove we're healthy redblooded males who lust after women. We joke about gay sex to prove we're not homosexual - and so scared are we of being thought so that when we're in a public toilet we stand in lines, eyes straight ahead in case that man in the next urinal might think we have an abiding interest in his lower anatomy.

I'd be surprised if there was a single man reading this who is genuinely free of complicity in this kind of sexism. We have to be brave and leap in there to pull up other men on their sexist witticisms and remarks, no matter how much social discomfort this causes us. Taking responsibility for our own sexism and that of other men is a bottom line - but it has positive spin-offs too. By accepting responsibility for other men we are holding out the hope of another kind of communication and relation with them, beyond the backslapping banter. At the moment our male friendships too often subsist on a ritualized level - we rarely expose in them our deeper feelings and anxieties, saving those instead for one or two selected women. But our male friends should be worth more to us than this.

There may be a long way to go but I think there are still grounds for hope. Men are already experiencing some of the beneficial effects of feminism, whether they realize it or not. They are finding themselves in more equal relationships with strong, independent women. Such relationships may require painful compromise at first but they ultimately provide a mutual understanding undreamed of in the past And men are also beginning to participate more actively in fatherhood, from their presence at birth through to a more intimate involvement with their children later on.

This renovated fatherhood could be very important. The special feeling of intimacy it offers with small, vulnerable people whose needs and emotions are very much on the surface is a unique experience which might well change men almost of itself. It might make them that bit readier to be gentle, that bit more responsive and sensitive to the other people around them. Certainly there are new frustrations involved. But the joys of a more active kind of parenthood which are beginning to ripple through men's lives are joys which few of their fathers and grandfathers ever knew. And that leads me back to where I began, seeing the changes I manage to effect in my masculinity as something I hold in trust from my father and grandfather for my own sons and daughters.

That is the hopeful message about masculinity. This issue presents a pretty grim picture of man's inhumanity to woman from Kenya to Cairo, from New South Wales to Nova Scotia. But it also shows men who are beginning to change. Believe me, there is no more important task before us than to respond to the challenge feminist women have set before us. And no more exciting one either.

1 UN estimate. Development Issue Paper 12, United Nations Development Programme.
2 Estimate based on US and Australian figures. See under 'violence' in the facts spread

From one set of muscles to another, men are slowly changing. Some still force themselves through the pain barrier towards 'manliness'. Others still rejoice in ancient male uniforms and rituals. And the models for small boys are no less violent. But commerce has sensed something in the wind - and the male body beautiful is being sold to people who don't realize these images were originally gay. The marketing of 'the new man' maybe superficial. And it may leave men, like women, chasing after an impossible ideal of themselves - now we're supposed to cradle babies to muscly frames, to be both tough and tender. But it can't be a bad thing for men to be pictured as sensitive creatures. And straining for an ideal of sensitivity is a sight more constructive than imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Single Saved & Having Sex

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Great Item for discussion, here are my thoughts

Hmm, I might get put on blast for this one, but I don't buy it. I spent most of my life "saved," and it just wasn't worth it. I was unsatisfied, miserable, and confused. Don't get me wrong, I see how someone who spent most of her life running the streets acting a fool can try and back it up, but there is no sense in going to the other extreme b/c you feel guilty about your past.

I was born and raised in a christian household and am one of the few people who really tried to follow all the church doctrines to the hilt. When most people were being "adolescents" and living crazy I was praying and being 'christ-like." While my college roommate had more than her share of gentlemen callers, I remained true to my convictions.

However as I matured in my walk with God I learned, that there is a happy medium and I have found it. I have moved past the evangelical, fanatical phase and found a peaceful place where I have a positive relationship with myself, god, and the rest of the world.

As a single woman who respects her temple, I know that God wants us to be sexual, but safe too. Who we chose to connect with should be done with great discernment and reflection. In the meantime, self-gratification is a safe way to release sexual tension without bonding with those not meant for us. In addition, we need to work on positive ways to get our intimate needs met, such as loving touch (non-sexual) and real frienships b/c you can't wait around for a "relationship." People "back-slide" b/c the outdated rituals and rule books of most churches and religions do not address the very human need to be loved, feel desired, and feel connected with other humans.

Sorry, eventhough Ty Adams is in my home town, I can't get with what I read here.

The Aftermath

My Party was wonderful! Yes I know its been over a week since the big day, but I just got a moment to catch my breath. Last week was the beginning of the Spring class session and I've been busy teaching and promoting.

The day was great, very relaxing. Of all the things I could do, I did laundry. I actually like laundry, it smells good and its soft and wonderful(I do not like having to use the washers in the building and look forward to having my own washer/dryer in my new condo!). I find find folding it calming to my spirit, but please don't send your stuff over for folding, I have enough on my plate.

Next I got a fabulous massage. It was supposed to be and hour, but my body was so tight the therapist kept me on the table for an extra half hour! With all this dancing exercising and working hard, I guess my body was all in knots and really needed to be worked out. When I finally pulled myself off the table, (and it was hard b/c I was near sleep) I ran to the mall for a quick mani/pedi and it was off to the party!

I go to the skating rink a little late (I know, I have this thing about being on time), but got right into it. Yes that's me on the right having a blast. This was all ages skating so there were lots of young people around. They were just zipping past me, and probably laughing at the glamazon in the afro cautiously making her way around the rink, but who cares I was having fun?! Its been a while since I was on skates and can someone please tell me why the roller rink looks exactly like it did over 16 years ago when I went the last time? LOL, I mean the carpet, decor, everything is stuck in the 1980's! Nonetheless, we had fun. My friends and family came ate pizza and cake, skated, and had a great time!

Part two of the party was at the club! I love to dance, and since some people are sooo afraid of looking silly on skates, it was time to get our grown folks groove on. There was food, drinks and lots of dancing. Many of my students showed up and we showed out on the dance floor! My buddy and dance partner Rapture, was the mack for the evening. He and I love to ballroom (Detroit Style), but after he took me out on the floor for my first dance of the evening, he literally had a line of women just waiting to get a turn! I figured I didn't want to get in the way of his groove, so I busied myself playing hostess, hustling with my girls and interrogating the other men in the club about why they refused to dance. All the while Rapture was approached by groups of women. It was hilarious b/c by the time the night was over he was literally soaking wet. I finally snagged him again at the end of the night and ended the evening with a super dip! The birthday drinks flowed non-stop and so did the cash! I spent last week making some great birthday purchases (THX everyone!)

I strongly recommend having a birthday party for yourself, its lots of fun! This past weekend my sister celebrated hers and we had a ball. She rented a limo and we cruising around town. First we stopped at my aunties house for a champagne toast and cake. Next we went to the movies. Let's not forget the champagne in the limo hee hee hee! This theatre has a bar, so we watched the movie while sipping martinis! Then on to dinner! By the time we made it home we had laughed, gotten drunk, and had a great time just being together.

For the record I love my friends and am truly grateful to have all of them in my life. 31 is off the hook so far and the rest of this year is going to be magical. I think have recovered from my last two weekends of revelry and look forward to the next! Ms. Jewel, you're next!

The New Woman

I don't buy the bullshit that the mother has to "stay at home," or not work, in order to raise good children b/c for most of our history, black women weren't even given that as an option and plenty of "good children" were raised back in the day. For those who were "at home" they had a cottage industry business like doing other people's laundry. Most black women have always had to work.

With that said, I resent criticism of educated women who are financially independent and single by "choice" as emasculating or man-hating. Let me tell you what has changed about the "new woman." She is "choosing" to be single rather than settle for a "piece" of a man. The Temptations' song "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" speaks to the mindset of many men that they should have their pick of where to lay their hat, and that many women just accepted it. You should not be mad at me for no longer allowing you to disrespect me by being openly unfaithful and trying to curl up in my bed when and if you feel like it. You have emasculated yourselves by walking out on your families, failing to keep your commitment to your wives, and being generally irresponsible. We have finally decided to stop taking up with these little boys in men's bodies.

So when we say "I don't need a man?" The full statement is this, "I don't need man who is disrespectful, irresponsible, immature, selfish, inconsiderate, whorish, lazy, jealous, or abusive." or "I don't need a man who refuses to treat me like a human being with emotional needs, will not make-love to me, only wants to fuck me" or even"I don't need a man gives me money when what I really want is love and intimacy." "I don't need a man to validate me or make me feel like a woman!"

I have yet to meet an educated black woman who, if given the opportunity would not jump, leap, or sprint at the chance to be in a relationship where she feels loved, honored, cherished, stimulated, respected, and valued. Everyone I know would love to cater to her man, and inspire him to be the best he can be. She wants to support him and make him happy, but not at her own expense. The "new" woman understands that her value as a person is not tied to whether or not she has a "man" or has "children." She allows herself to be happy with herself even if here vagina is not being filled by a dick on a consistent basis or if she hasn't popped out a child. She knows her significant contributions to the world can be more than cooking meals, cleaning houses, sewing clothes, birthing babies, and being a penis receptacle (I however, am not saying there is anything wrong with being a homemaker and/or stay at home mom or wanting pleasing your man sexually). She does not think that to be a "good woman" she has to sacrifice her happiness for her husband and children.

If you want be with this woman, she demands she get more than her basic needs met. No you can't keep her happy her by keeping a roof over her head, clothes on her back, food on the table, or by fucking her every so often. Beyond that, nowadays, most guys aren't even willing to provide the basics so you can be a stay at home mom or homemaker. I've heard it a million times, " I ain't taking care of nobody." In addition, they don't even know how to please a woman in bed. They honestly thing that just b/c they have a big dick they can satisfy you. Lol, please you can get a woman happy sexually with no dick if you're talented enough with your hands, mouth, and purchase a few "accessories."

I'm confused what exactly are these guys think they bring to the relationship and why they think anyone would want to be with them? These same guys seem to expect her to not only go out and work and contribute to the household financially, she should also cook, clean, have babies, stay in shape, fuck on demand, and be happy about it too. Why exactly should we be jumping at the chance to be in a relationship? Does that sound fun to you?

So its not that we don't need men. Everyone wants companionship. Human beings need love, intimacy, and yes sex! But that's not what we are being offered. We are being offered a little cash and a penis. Well I have a job which provides me with plenty of cash, and I can buy a penis. I in fact I can get a penis that vibrates, rotates, pulsates, and will never ever cheat on me! What I cannot buy is a cuddle-buddy, a travel partner, a debate partner, a comforting hug, a loving caress, an encouraging word, a listening ear, or a friend.

Don't complain that there are no good women when what you really mean is you can't find a woman willing to let you walk all over her. Don't call all black women attitudinal, gold-diggers, or unfaithful when all you are offering is money or dick. What you expect? If all you did catch a woman is spend money on her, are you really surprised when all she does is ask you for money or leaves you when someone with even more money throws it her way? If some woman stays with you just b/c you can fuck well, why are you surprised if she has multiple partners or leaves for a man with a bigger dick that can please her more? Does it really surprise you that you get a lot of attitude when you continually act a damn fool? Step up, contribute to the relationship, and be a real partner or be satisfied with gold-digging, promiscuous, nagging women!

That is all
xxx