I might get into some trouble and some may tell me this is a universal problem not restricted to black men, but this is my blog so i don't care. On the flip side I acknowledge that black woman have issues too, but that is not what this is about. In fact I truly understand the collective psychosis of black people and what we are going to have to do if we plan to survive as a community, but this is a vent about men and how these issues are affecting us (well adjusted black women).
Locally and across the country I have friends, female friends who I talk with and we have the exact same complaint. Therefore I believe this isymptomatic of a bigger problem not something restriced to my geographical area. This is not the first time I have thought about it, but I hate giving it my time, thoughts, and energy b/c its one of those things I don't feel I can control. Nonetheless, we are hurting and after yet another conversation spent trying to console a friend and remind her that she is fabulous and deserving of the kind of love she wants, I just have to get it out.
In a nutshell, my people are depressed and suffer from low self-esteem. No, not every single black person, but as a whole, we are in need of therapy. Therapy does not have to come from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or any other professional, but we do need something. However, the first step is to recognize that we have issues. Ask the average black person are they depressed and they will say no. WRONG. Of all the groups in this country we may need it the most with native americans close behind or maybe even surpassing us (but that's another story).
First a little background. I am a fan of personal development. Before I ever set foot in a therapist's office I had read many books in an effort to reprogram myself and get on the path to success. One of my first books was Think and Grow Rich. The one I initially read was geared towards black people, but more recently I read/listened to the original. Something that was missing from the black version was the section on personal relationships. Mr. Hill goes on about how important it is to have a "wife." Now the book was written in the 1920s when women were restriced to the background, if you look at the overall theory in essence he is talking about emotional support and intimacy, and how they are crucial to success.
As humans we will always need support and intimacy. When I look at my community I see a distinct lack of both. Instead I see us all trying to do it on our own. We say we don't want to get involved with anyone until we "have our shit together" when in reality you need that complimentary energy to get it together. So while we are avoiding emotional rich relationships, we are getting our groove on, addressing the physical side of intimacy. The thing is, it is not healthy so separate the two. It's like being hungry and only eating potato chips. You can get full, but in the long run you will unhealthy and sick because your body not only needs to be full physically, it also needs to eat foods with vitamins and nutrients so it can operate efficiently.
Yes, there is plenty of sex being had, but sex is not intimacy. Sex is stress relief, it is pleasure, it is a lot of things, but you can have sex all day long but never connect with the person. On the other hand, you can can have intimacy with someone and never have sex. It used to be that women were the caretakers of intimacy. We were taught to hold out on sex until you had formed a relationship, the byproduct of that was intimacy. When you are forced to talk, date, spend time together and develop a relationship, intimacy comes as a result. However as we move on in this quick-fix microwave society, we have all started to cut to the chase, thinking that the ultimate goal was simply sex, and that the rest of it was just filler. Then we wonder why everything is so screwed up.
I realize that I have yet to get to black men and women but its coming in I promise. I just needed to set the stage for what I see as the issue.
So let's add to this quick fix american society a group of people emotional and physiologically scarred by their past. From our origins in this country (abducted, forced into servitude, treated like property, dehumanized, physically and emotionally abused, and systematically conditioned to feel self-hatred, fearful, and inferior) to our current portrayal in media, black people have got it bad. For more insight please reference, the Willie Lynch Essay (while the historical merit is debatable it still has impact), and read Carter G. Woodson's The MIs-Education of the Negro). We have stopped connecting with one another.
Black people were unique because before, we were forced to more equals than most cultures. Among other ethnic groups, women stayed home and played housewife while the man went out and worked. Due to our history in this country, the relationships among Black men and women were different. Black women have always had to go out and help make ends meet b/c society wouldn't give a brotha a chance. Still we managed to create relationships and working families. No we never had the typical nuclear household, but we had community. My father did not have his biological father in the home, but he had a strong community men and women around him who gave him positive direction and helped make him into a man. So what happened to these non-traditional familes who looked out for the youth even if they were not "their own?"
Historically it can be traced it back to the break-down of the civil rights movement. That included the murder of key leaders, the exile and imprisonment of others, and the introduction off drugs into the heart of the community. Prior to then, while black people had always been portrayed as lazy, no good, dangerous, and aggressive, we continued to rise above it all. From emancipation through civil rights, we continued to strive. However, since the late 60's we have been falling apart. Its like they finally found a way to create the ethnic group they always wanted us to be. My parents would talk about how things changed and I see that a big piece of it started with Heroin. We were particularily suseptible to addiction because of our collective depression. Drugs and alcohol are quick escapes from the pain of everyday life and lighter drugs like alcohol, tobacco, and even marijuana tend not to incapacitate, but heroin, crack, and other stuff you find on the street and designed to just screw up your whole mindset.
Starting in the late 60's in unison with the systematic dismantaling of the Civil Rights and Black Power movement, these drugs becase easily available in our community. We began to be afraid of one another b/c of how the drugs made us act. People became violent. They would rob from their neighbors so they could get a quick hit. We began to lock the doors, and make statement like "They are not my responsibility." So we had a generation of kids born into it (70's babies) and now we are all grown up. This generation of no community, in a screwed up society now trying to be adults. It's scary.
I look at many my peers and I feel alien I now realize I am unique. I grew up in a loving household with parents who married and decided after three years that they were ready to start a family then my sister and I were born into love. I don't understand the thought that kids "just happen," to me they are planned. Children are a blessing that you chose in introduce into your union, not a reason for a union to happen. There should be no resentment or feeling of loss around being pregnant b/c you decide to do it when you are ready. But hey I am told that I am unrealistic, that it just doesn't happen that way. I understand why they say that b/c that is what they have all experienced, but I don't identify.
I also grew up in a community, a black community, in Detroit that was safe. We left our front doors open and we looked out for one another. Mrs. Smith from across the street was a teacher, so she had the summers off and looked out for us when our parents were at work. I knew that if I got into anything, she would let Moms know and that I would get "the business" so I kept my butt in check. I actually identified with the Cosby Show. Don't get it twisted, we weren't rich. There were real lean times, I'm talking powdered milk, government cheese, no electricity times, but we had a strong family and community of support. I come from a tradition of working together to build a life, so I don't understand the sentiment of putting of love and relationships until "you have yourself together." My parents met young, got together and built a life for us. My Mom supported my Dad while he found his life's work and we stayed focused as he went through his apprenticeship and evenutally became a skilled tradesman. Times were tough, but it didn't matter b/c we were a family. No it wasn't all wonderful, there were fights, a short separation, and all kinds of trials and tribulations, but I will say that as my mother was diagnosed with and slowly died from MS, my fathers was always there right by her side. Even 11 years later he can barely talk about her without tearing up b/c he loved her that much. I just want a man to love me like that. I would love to be that ride or die chick for someone as we build our life together, but they just don't get that you have to give a lot to get that kind of love and support from me.
So some people say, its easy for me to be like this b/c I grew up in a regular family, but its not so. We all have our trials and tribulations, but who you ultimately become is based on what you do with your life. I have friends (mostly women) who have come from the straight ghetto and are just like me. For them their personal develope may have been around father issues if he wasn't present in the home, or breaking the cycle of addiction and abuse, who knows. The thing is they recognized that they had issues and took the time to work them out. Some sought out professional help, while others did it on their own. The point is they did it. Why can't we find more Black men who will do it or have done it?
Even with all the benefits I came into this world with, I still had to deal with the fact that I was born black into a racist society. I had to deal with an oppressive religion designed to control me and keep me from expressing my true self. I had to deal with being a woman in a male-dominated society that does not value me and support me embracing my nature. I had to deal with losing my mother emotionally at age 14 and physically at age 19. Hell its taken me 30 years of life, two of which were spent in therapy, and countless hours of meditation, reading, and discussion to get to a point where I can see somewhat clearly. Let's not talk about being a sexual being in a country founded on Puritan principals which are synonymous with sexual repression. I know life is hard, so what, DEAL WITH IT. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So what of people who don't even realize that a problem exists? How on earth am i supposed to relate. How can I and other like me, black women on the path to enlightment find mates when most black men (yes, ideally we still want to be with black men) are still wandering around without a clue that they are sick?
Most black men do not recognize that they have real issues and that they need to address them if they ever plan to make their dreams come true and be happy. As a community we think it makes us weak and when you add the male ego on top of that, it is next to impossible to get a black man to seek professional help. Historically we have gone to church, prayed, orand/or leaned on one another, but with the breakdown in community and the corruption of the church things are getting really bad. Right now we are not equipped to handle the stress and pressures of being black in America and we are starting to breakdown as a result.
I am focused on black men in this blog b/c right now they are my personal problem. Some black women have started getting help and my smal circle of friends are made of women who get it. They are here and support me emotionally and I love them for it. What I cannot seem to find is a collection of black men who really get it. We would like to connect with them, but the constant compaint I and my friend have is that it seems like all the guys we meet are still wrapped up in their issues. I do not want my personal life to be a community service project. I would like to meet someone who is truly on the journey to enlightenment, not someone I have to help find the path. I have been down that road, and you cannot make anyone do anything.
My friend and I were talking about how we tend to see the potential in people, but we want someone living that potential. I think back to physics and the concept of potential vs kinetic energy. When you are atop a building and holding an object about to drop it, it has potential energy, but when you let go and it is in motion it has kinetic energy. As it descends to the ground the potential energy decreases as the kinetic increases. It is a trade off. I feel like my friends and I are in the midst of that transition. We are turning our potential into reality. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I am on my way.You have a set amount of time on earth. You can choose to be safe and always have lots of potential or take on the challenge of making something out of it. Either way,when your time is up its up and either you will have real experiences to show for it, or you'll always have to wonder what could have been. I am in the midst converting my potential into kinetic and I would like someone to join me.
As it relates to black men and women, many of my girls and people like them have decided to look elsewhere for companionship. Some black women have turned to men of other races or nationalities (we have found that men of African descent from other countries can sometimes make better partners than American-born Black men) while others have turned to other women (yeah I said it). Until recently, I didn't believe that someone would "turn gay" but now I get it. I had a woman break down to me the journey from heterosexual to homosexual and why. I do believe there are people born gay, but now I know there is a contingency of women seeking intimacy, connection, and love. The are not getting it from men so they are turning to women. Its sad really, but it only illustrates that human need for love and affection. I think I win b/c I have positive masculine energy in my life thanks to my dad and other people around me. Even though my mom passed away I have nurturing feminine energy in my life thanks to my friends and extended family, but what none of them can give me is the type intimacy that comes from connecting on a sexual and intellectual level. Like many of my friends I have opened the door to men of other races but I will never give up hope that my mahogany prince will show up. I do think he may not be from the USA originally, but honestly I want a man from the African Diaspora. Ultimately, I just want to connect with someone, but being the revolutionary that I am I don't know if a man from another ethnic group will be able to understand my passion for my people.
I love my people and have committed my life to the revolution, but like I said my personal life is not going to be a community service project. I will be with a man who loves me, can connect with me, and will appreciate and honor me, he just may or may not be black. We as a people have issues, I have just finally decided to separate my love life from my need to help my people come up. I wish all my sistahs the best in their search for companionship. I don't have the answers, but I haven't given up hope yet either.
